After 25 years of marriage, Paul looked at his wife and said, “Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blonde. Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I’m sleeping with a 50 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things.”

Being a very reasonable woman, his wife told him to go out and find a hot 25-year-old blonde, and she would make sure that he would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, and sleeping on a sofa bed.

“You know it’s funny,” said Samantha. “Peter’s balls are always cold as ice when I’m sucking his dick.”

“You know what?” replied Jenny. “It’s exactly the same with my Richard.”

The two turned to Margie and asked, “When you blow Chris, are his balls cold, too?”

“Ugh! That’s disgusting! I would never put Chris’s thing in my mouth!”

“You’re crazy,” one of the women piped up. “A good blowjob is the best way to keep a guy. You should try it.”

Margie said she’d think about it. The next morning, they met at the cafe and the blowjob novice is sporting a wicked shiner.

“Whoa!” exclaimed Samantha. “How did you get that black eye?”

“Chris hit me when I was blowing him,” said Margie.

“What on earth for?” asked Jenny.

“I don’t know,” said Margie. “All I did was tell him how strange it was that his balls were so warm, seeing as how Pete’s and Richard’s are so cold.”

Apple computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play stereo music in women’s breast implants.

The i-Tit, will cost between $499 and $699, depending on speaker size.

This is considered to be a major breakthrough, because women have always complained about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

Michael returned home one night to find his wife lying naked in bed.

His eyes went wide and he began to strip, only to stop suddenly when he saw a lit cigar in the ashtray beside the bed.

“All right,” Michael shouted, “I demand to know where this cigar came from!”

A muffled voice came from under the bed, “Havana.”

Alfred called his wife, Gladis into the bedroom, “I want to show you the new clock I got today.”

She went into the bedroom and find him with his pants down. “That’s not a clock!” said Gladis.

“It will be once you put two hands and a face on it.”

A middle aged couple went to a livestock show one fine Sunday afternoon and were watching the auctioning of the bulls.

The auctioneer announced the first bull, “A fine specimen, this bull reproduced 57 times last year.”

The wife nudged her husband in the ribs and commented, “See! That was more than once a week!”

The second bull was up next. “Another fine specimen,” said the auctioneer, “This wonder reproduced 120 times last year.”

Again the wife nudged her husband, “Hey, that’s more than twice a week. What do you say to that?”

Her husband was getting really annoyed with this comparison.

It wasn’t long and the third bull went up for sale. “And this extraordinary specimen reproduced 365 times last year!” announced the auctioneer.

The wife slaps her husband on the arm and scolded, “That’s once a day, every day of the year! How about you?”

The husband was pretty irritated by now and shot back, “Sure, once a day! Great! But go ask that auctioneer if they were all with the same cow!”

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. “You all have obsessions,” he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, “You are obsessed with eating. You’ve even named your daughter Candy.”

He turned to the second Mom, Ann: “Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child’s name, Penny.”

He turned to the third Mom, Joyce: “Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child’s name, Brandy.”

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand, and whispered,

“Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he’s talking about. Let’s pick up Peter and Willy from school and get some dinner.”

Out of town on business, Jerry went to an infamous brothel, known for a gal named Sally. He was shown to her room, and found her laying naked on the bed. “Go ahead, but let me know how it is,” she said.

After a few minutes Jerry said, “It’s not bad but a bit loose.”

“Get off for a moment,” said Sally

Jerry got up, and Sally reached down and fiddled about with her privates.

“Try it now.” she said.

He did and found it was a little better but still a too loose. He told her so, and she repeated her actions. When Jerry tried it again it was perfect!

After Jerry had finished, he asked, “How do you manage to adjust its size to fit anyone?”

“Well,” she said, “I’ve been in this business for some time and have developed warts on one side and wormholes on the other. I just button them up.”

Two nuns sat at a traffic light in their car when a bunch of rowdy drunks pulled up alongside.

“Oi, get your tits out, you penguins!” shouts one of the drunks.

The Mother Superior turns to Sister Immaculata, “I don’t think they know who we are; show them your cross.”

So, Sister Immaculata winds down her window and shouts, “Fuck off, you little wankers, before I come over there and rip your balls off!”

Sister Immaculata looks back at the Mother Superior and asks “Was that cross enough?”