Two cowboys were a couple miles outside of town on a trail they used for herding cattle.

One of the cowboys stopped to take a pee. As he was relieving himself, a rattlesnake sprung from the bush and bit him right on the penis. He called his buddy for help.

Not knowing what to do, his buddy jumped on his horse and raced into town seeking a cure.

Once he reached the doctors office, he ran inside and explained the situation.

The doctor told the cowboy that the only way to save his friend would be to suck the poison out.

With that knowledge, the cowboy jumped back on his horse and raced back to his friend.

“What did the doctor say?” said the ailing cowboy.

“He said you’re gonna die.”

One Sunday morning, Satan appeared before a small town congregation. Everyone started screaming and running out the front church door.

Everyone had gone except for an elderly man who sat calmly in the pew. Satan walked up to the man and said, “Do you not know who I am?”

The man replied, “Yep, sure do.”

Satan asked, “Are you not going to run?”

“Nope, sure ain’t,” said the man.

Perturbed, Satan asked, “Why are you not afraid of me?”

The man calmly replied, “Been married to your sister for over 48 years.”

An American businessman went to Japan on a business trip. Unfortunately he wasn’t the least bit fond of Japanese food, so he called the hotel front desk and asked if there was any way he could get a pizza.

The concierge happily informed the man that it was not a problem. He took the man’s order and said room service would deliver his pizza shortly.

Thirty minutes later, there was a boy at the door with the pizza. As the man took the pizza, he started to sneeze uncontrollably. “What the heck did you put on this pizza?” he demanded to know.

The room service boy bowed his head and said, “Just what you ordered: Pepper only.”

Two buddies were sitting at the bar in a singles club and talking about another guy who was sitting at the other end of the bar.

“I don’t get it,” complained the first guy, “He`s not good looking, he has absolutely no taste in clothes, and he drives a beat up wreck of a car… yet he always manages to go home with the most beautiful women here!”

“Yeah,” replies his buddy, “he`s not even a very good conversationalist, all he does is sit there and lick his eyebrows!”

Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter, Alice, was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world.

Finally, Anna said she’d go out, but didn’t know anyone.

Her daughter immediately replied, “Mom I have someone for you to meet.”

Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Vermont.

Their first night there, she undressed as he did, there she stood nude, except for a pair of
black lacy panties while he was in his birthday suit.

Looking her over, he asked, “Why the black panties?”

She replied, “My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still mourning.”

He knew he was not getting lucky that night.

The following night was the same. She stood there wearing the black panties, and he was in his birthday suit — but now he was wearing a black condom.

She looked at him and asked, “What’s with the black condom?”

He replied, “I want to offer my deepest condolences.”

The telephone lineman had been out drinking the night before, and the next day he went to work not feeling too good. He climbed to the top of the first pole and as he took his pliers out to repair the wire he dropped them.

He had to climb all the way down to retrieve them.

As he got to the bottom of the pole and was picking up his pliers, a small boy who was standing there said, “My daddy is a lineman, too, and he would have had two pair of pliers, so he wouldn’t have to climb down the pole if he dropped one of them.”

The lineman tied to ignore the boy and climbed back up the pole very slowly..

About this time he needed a hammer to drive in a large nail. As he was taking it out, it slipped and fell to the ground. Again he had to climb down the pole to retrieve it.

So he slowly climbed down the pole and sure enough the little boy was still standing there. He said, “My daddy is a lineman, too, and he would have carried two hammers so if he had lost one he wouldn’t have to climb down.”

This irritated the lineman, but he ignored the boy and climbed back up the pole to finish his work. He was no sooner up the pole when he had to go to the bathroom, so down he climbs from the pole and goes over to the bushes to take a leak.

As he was relieving himself he saw the little boy watching him through the bushes.

He’d had it with this kid so he says to him, “I’ll bet your dad doesn’t have two of these, does he?”

The boy replied, “No, but his would make two of yours.”

Jim and Bubba decide to go to Bubba’s house and get drunk.

Lo and behold they run out of beer so Bubba says that he will go for more.

As he is leaving he tells his wife Linda-Lou to show Jim her best southern hospitality, which she agrees to do.

Bubba comes back with the beer and finds Jim and Linda-Lou screwing right on the kitchen floor.

Bubba yells, “What are you doing Linda-Lou?”

She replies, “You told me to show Jim my best southern hospitality.”

Bubba then says, “Gee whiz, girl, arch your back! Poor Jim’s balls are on the cold floor.”

Joe had been hired to paint the old convent. He was up on his ladder painting the soffit when he accidentally dropped his brush. As it fell to the ground he loudly uttered, “Son of a bitch!”

Mother Superior happened to be walking by at the time and heard the offensive language. When Joe came down the ladder to retrieve his brush, Mother Superior gave him a verbal lashing about the use of such profanity. Joe politely apologized and went back to work.

It wasn’t long before Joe dropped his brush again. “Son of a bitch!” he cried out, not realizing that Mother Superior was watching him this time. Again, Joe climbed down the ladder to receive another lecture.

This time Mother Superior suggested, “If you should feel the urge to release another expletive, I recommend you try saying ‘Jesus, Joseph, and Mary’ instead!”

After Joe apologized again, he thanked the Reverend Mother for her advice and resumed his work. Alas, being the clumsy sort, Joe’s brush fell to the ground. “Son of–” but Joe stopped short as he noticed the angry stare coming from below. “Jesus, Joseph, and Mary,” he said with a submissive sigh.

Just then a miraculous whirl of wind picked up the brush from the ground and brought it back to the hand of Joe.

“Son of a bitch!” said the Reverend Mother.