An older man and woman were flirting with one another at their local senior single’s bar.
After a few drinks, the old man asked the old woman, “If I took you out for a full night of dancing, what do you think you would wear?”
The old woman shyly replied, “Depends.”
“Depends? Depends on what?” he asked quizzically.
“On my derriere, where else?!” she replied curtly.
Michelle was a very bad driver. After an unfortunate mishap in a parking garage, she took her vehicle to an auto mechanic.
Seeing that the young woman was quite blonde, the mechanic decided to have a little fun at Michelle’s expense. “We don’t do bodywork at this shop, but I can tell you an easy way to fix the dents. Just blow really, really hard into the tail pipe, and it will pop ’em all out!”
She thanked him for his wonderful advice and went home to give it a try. After the tailpipe had cooled off, she opened her mouth really wide and placed her lips around the tube. She then started to blow as hard as she could. She kept huffing and blowing until she turned purple!
It was then that her husband came home and asked her, “What on earth do you think you’re doing?!”
After explaining to her husband how she was trying to remove the dents from her car, he shook his head and said, “That will never work, dear. You forgot to roll up the windows.”
A high-priced call girl brought a customer to her upscale apartment. He admired the fancy furnishings and the fine art on the walls. After a short while he asked how she was able to amass such splendor.
She replied that the furnishings and artwork were actually her father’s, and that he had been a politician for over forty years.
With and understanding smile the man asked, “So why you didn’t follow in his footsteps instead of choosing this way of life?”
The strumpet sighed and said, “Oh, just lucky I guess. Besides, I had my moral standards to uphold.”
Marty stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity. He waggled, looked up, looked down, waggled again, but didn’t start his backswing.
Finally his exasperated partner asked, “What the hell is taking so long?”
“My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse,” Marty explained, “and I want to hit the perfect shot.”
“You can forget about that!” his companion exclaimed. “There’s no way in hell of hitting her from here.”
Valerie and Linda were chatting over coffee, when Linda remarked, “All I want out of life is the four animals that my Mom always said I would need.”
Puzzled, Valerie asked, “Really and what four animals would that be?”
Linda took a sip from her coffee and said, “A mink on my back, a jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bed, and a jackass to pay for all of it.”
Three cowboys were sitting in a bar discussing Southern women.
“I think Southern women are the prettiest,” one of them said.
“I think Southern women are the toughest,” said another.
The third said, “I think they’re the most polite of all women. That’s why they don’t like group sex.”
His friends looked at him, confused. “They don’t like group sex?”
“Nope, too many thank-you notes to write.”
The local vicar is having a bath, and he’s a little bored, so he decides to, ‘pleasure’ himself. He’s quite happily tugging away, reaches the old moment of bliss, and opens his eyes only to see, at the window, the window cleaner, jaw agape at what he’s just seen.
A couple of minutes later, the doorbell rings – it’s the window cleaner..
The vicar is understandably embarrassed, and asks the man how much he owes him.
“50 quid” comes the reply.
“50 quid?!?” says the vicar, startled.
“Yep, fifty quid or I tell the whole parish about what I saw, you perv.”
So the vicar hands over the cash, and the cleaner gets on his way. The following week, the bishop’s round for his supper and is having a wander round the vicar’s house, admiring his lovely home.
He says to the vicar, “Lovely clean windows you’ve got there vicar, who does them for you?”
“Oh, a guy from the village does them for me, he does a great job,” replies the vicar.
“Oh, yeah. How much does he charge you, then?”
“Well,” replies the vicar, “fifty quid, actually”
“Fifty quid? Blimey!” says the bishop. “He must have seen you coming.”
Stan was a little nervous and embarrassed about his up-coming colonoscopy, so on a recommendation, he decided to have it done while visiting a few of his friends on the west coast, where the beautiful nurses at one clinic were allegedly more gentle and accommodating.
As he laid naked on the table, the gorgeous nurse began to prep Stanly for the procedure.
“Don’t worry, at this stage of the procedure it’s quite normal to get an erection,” the nurse assured Stan.
“I don’t have an erection,” he replied.
“Maybe not,” the nurse gently cooed, “but I sure do.”
