Category Archives: Sunday’s Rant

Corona Killed My Job

I just got the call from H.R. today. Because of the new epidemic edict in Ohio, the company that I work for is officially closed until further notice.

Lovely.

Now that I’m stuck at home for however long “they” decide, I might as well take the opportunity to catch up on some much needed sleep. Afterwards, I might try to fix the storm door my dog destroyed. Of course at no time will I be working to make improvements to this website since I will never have enough time for that.

The good news is, we’re allowed out of the house to go to the store, walk the dog, and scare the shit out of old people with a couple of coughs. I know one woman who is spraying the inside of her house with ― now get this ― rubbing alcohol… and she’s the only person in her house! She’s terrified the virus going to jump on her if she goes outside. The paranoia is surreal. The whole thing is surreal. Salvador Dali is surreal, but the shit going on right now makes his work seem less unnerving and illogical than the world around me at this time.

The governor of Ohio has given us the order to stay in our homes until April 6^th. I’m an introvert, so that part should be fairly easy for me. The hard part is getting my unemployment pay since the website isn’t working properly. Managing my finances during this time is going to really suck.

Update 3/23/2020

It looks like my time off has been cut short. Somehow my job has been declared essential, and I go back to work tomorrow. This is a great relief for me since it is impossible to actually file for unemployment at this time (the website is broken), and there are no physical offices open for this purpose anymore. My employer’s payroll system is a far faster and more reliable way to make a buck!

H.R. actually emailed me some papers they said I should keep on me when traveling to and from work. Are you shitting me? They’re pulling a “Papers, Please” in the good ol’ US of A? That’s beyond fucked up! Of course I opened the pdf file and it was just a copy of Ohio’s “Stay at home order” with certain lines highlighted. I might as well carry a piece of paper that says, “I can do what I want.” But then that already sums up my philosophy on life anyway.

Stay strong, wash your hands, and social distance not because they told you to, but because everybody sucks. Be safe out there.

Kudos

Neither Glenn nor George are currently affected by CoVid 19. On the other hand, the jokes they’ve been sending me should probably be quarantined. Nevertheless, I’m presenting them here. If you would like to donate a joke, head over to our submission page or send it by email to flush2x@gmail.com. All jokes are tax deductible, and make great substitutes for toilet paper.

“There is only one difference between a madman and me. The madman thinks he is sane. I know I am mad.” ― Salvador Dali

Pax,

-f2x

So When Do We Panic?

Of course no one really knows how fucked up things are going to get, but I’m not planning on getting too flustered over it. I’m already an introvert, so it’s not like you have to tell me to avoid other people.

Of course COVID-19 is on tour, and it’s coming to a town near you. Apparently the symptoms range from nothing at all to death. That’s quite a spread, and that’s why some people believe it’s a hoax conjured by the “dems”, and others are freaking out and buying all the hand sanitizer and Charmin in the tri-state area.

Honestly, I could really do without all the drama. I still have to go to work in the morning, and the vast majority of people around me are not about to shelter in place when their job is on the line.

I foresee three possible futures: The first is where a whole bunch of people get sick and die. In the end, the survivors will be mostly immune, and we will pick up the pieces and carry on.

The second is that this will all blow over, and while a few people may get really sick and die, it’s probably nobody you know. The “Told-you-so” pundits will crow about it until you wish the virus had taken you.

The third outcome is a bit more complicated. They’re going to milk this. It’s going to be like “Nine-Eleven” in slow motion, only this time the terrorists will be people who refuse to comply with the draconian edicts imposed by the government. Imagine the TV show “COPS”, but busting people for being outdoors without a hazmat suit and shooting suspects for coughing in public.

The “shit show” is about to begin.

Kudos

Well thankfully George and Glenn are still alive and sending me jokes via email. Our submission page remains open in spite of the social distancing, and as always you can email me at flush2x@gmail.com.

If a Black Death could be spread throughout the world once in every generation survivors could procreate freely without making the world too full. ― Bertrand Russell

Pax,

-f2x

Waiting for Something

Things have been more stressful around here lately. I keep waiting for something to happen to know that everything is going to be alright, but the stress keeps piling on.

Real life has been mimicking this website for a while now. It’s just one bad joke after another.

Kudos

Keep in mind, our submission page is open for all your corny jokes. You can also do what George and Glenn do, and send your jokes to flush2x@gmail.com

“Why is it, I wondered, that old people are always so self-centered and excitable? But I just smiled benignly and stood back, comforted by the thought that soon they would be dead.” ― Bill Bryson

Pax,

-f2x

Mixed Bag

So Gail is really starting to come into her own. She’s beginning to understand the “rules” of being a dog, and being around her has become more enjoyable as a result. She seems a lot happier too.

On the other hand, there are other aspects of my life that have gotten notably worse. I don’t want to get into it, but I am seriously considering finding another job and leaving the employer I’ve had for over 20 years.

The thought of job hunting at my age is kind of scary. The good news is, I don’t look anywhere near my age. People still easily mistake me for being in my early thirties. The bad news is, I’ve gotten a tad bit obese, and fat people are easier to discriminated against than old people. Even if I start a highly aggressive weight loss plan last week, it would be several months before I got down to an attractive weight, and I may not have that much time.

In any event, the warning signs are brightly lit, and I need to get my ducks lined up so that I have a viable exit strategy from an increasingly unstable situation.

Kudos

Special thanks to Glenn and George for their contributions this week. To contribute jokes to Flush Twice, please use our submission page or click on this e-mail link: flush2x@gmail.com to open your system’s e-mail so you can send me a joke.

“Having a bad boss isn’t your fault. Staying with one is.” ― Nora Denzel

Pax,

-f2x

Extremely Busy

Even when I have some time off, that time has already got something penciled in. I have been running around non-stop for the past two weeks. Minus the calisthenics, it has nearly the same feel as the amount of work I had to put in for the military.

I got that “Work hard; play hard” sort of thing going on. I just want some time off so I can catch my breath… And I mean some real time off where I don’t have to worry about anything.

Alas, it’s not to be. My schedule is booked tight for the foreseeable future, and I’ve got to shoehorn in a few more things before it is all over.

Kudos

Our award for best contributors goes to George and Glenn. Those two guys keep emailing me jokes… most of which I’ve already used, but at least they still send me emails on a regular basis. Of course you could be using our submission page to send me jokes or even email flush2x@gmail.com like George and Glenn do.

“There is always an adventure waiting in the woods.” ― Katelyn S. Bolds

Pax,

-f2x

February 16

Do you mind if I do a filler rant this week? I really don’t feel like doing any of this right now, so let’s just skip to the kudos.

Kudos

Thanks George and Glenn for all the jokes you’ve sent me. If anyone else would like to add more jokes to the collection please use our submission page or send and email to flush2x@gmail.com.

“If you think your boss is stupid, remember: you wouldn’t have a job if he was any smarter.” ― John Gottman

Pax,

-f2x

A Brave Decision

I recently switched browsers. I originally was an IE user, but after I switched to Linux, I started using Firefox. Later on I discovered that Chrome worked better with many websites, so I’ve been using that for the past several years.

Recently all has not been well with the Chrome browser. My sync account hasn’t been syncing up lately, and a couple of websites wouldn’t load properly… I had to use Firefox to renew one of my domains!

Well this past week I finally did it. I switch to the “Brave” browser. It’s basically a Chrome knockoff, but those pages that didn’t work, now work just fine again. They also have some extra privacy voodoo going on, but it’s basically Chrome. You can even use the same webstore to install all your usual extensions.

So if you get a chance, check out Brave, or if you’re a Firefox lover, try Pale Moon.

Kudos

Thanks for the jokes this week, George and Glenn. If anyone has a joke to share please use our submission page or email it to flush2x@gmail.com.

“Shop the peripheries of the supermarket; stay out of the middle.” – Michael Pollan

Pax,

-f2x

Goodbye DMR5.com

So back when I signed up with SiteGround web hosting, they had this quirky way of doing things. You could set up multiple websites, but they had to be under a tertiary domain. So if you had both example.com and something.com, one of them would be the “master” account, let’s say example.com, and the other was a sub account like this: something.example.com, and then you could alias www.something.com to that… Simple, no?

Anyhoo, I didn’t want to use a website I already had as the master, so I registered a new domain, DMR5.com. So at that time you could go to flushtwice.dmr5.com and this site would show up just fine. Of course you could also go to www.flushtwice.com or just flushtwice.com, and they would forward to the flushtwice.dmr5.com in such a way that you would not see it in the address bar. Personally I thought it was stupid, but they did have very fast and responsive servers… Unlike the DSL connection to a Vic 20 you get when you sign up with Dreamhost. (We still have two years left with these clowns.)

So I kept DMR5.com around after switching to Dreamhost, even though I didn’t need it anymore. I kept thinking I would do something with it… and I never did. So yesterday, dmr5.com quietly expired… which is sad… because it’s a four character dot com! Those things aren’t easy to come by. But still, it’s better this way. I mean, what was I suppose to do with it?

My registrar will keep it on hold for a few months under the false assumption that I “forgot” to renew it. After that, it goes up for grabs on the open market. GoDaddy is probably already eyeing it for a spamvertisement-landing page. Whatever happens now is no longer my concern.

Kudos

Speaking of things that no longer concern me, this week’s jokes were sent in by George and Glenn. It great when the only thing I have to do is copy and paste. Of course if you submit a joke through our submission page, I won’t even have to do that. On the other hand, sending jokes to flush2x@gmail.com does require the ol’ ctrl-c/ctrl-v.

“Distracted from distraction by distraction” ― T.S. Eliot

Pax,

-f2x

Too Damn Good in the Kitchen

It’s winter here, and the weather is not exactly inviting me to experience the great outdoors. As a result I tend to sit around and contemplate what I want to eat… and then I spend my time making that dish a reality.

I have a very particular set of skills that I have acquired over a very long time of living on my own that allows me to take basic ingredients and manipulate them in such a way as to create those Instagramable moments that taste as good as they look.

This is not helping my waistline.

I wish my comics were as good as my dinners.

Kudos

This is the part where we thank this week’s contributors, and oh look! It’s Glenn and George again! Seriously I if you guys didn’t send me the jokes that you do, I would have quit by now. Of course anyone can use our submission page or email flush2x@gmail.com. It’s tax deductible!

“All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.” ― Charles M. Schulz

Pax,

-f2x

Falling Behind

Lately I have not been keeping up with production around here. In the past I would have the panel ready to go by Friday night, and Sunday’s rant would be finalized by Saturday. Even the jokes would be in place a week in advance.

I guess can’t blame it all on the dog, but she’s been a major contributor to my recent delayed postings. She’s still very rambunctious, and that makes things like graphic editing and typing nearly impossible.

So if you tune in only to find the updates to be lacking in quality and punctuality, know that it’s just a phase.

UPDATE 1/22/20: Gail had her surgery to be spayed yesterday and everything went just fine. She cried a little, but I gave her the Tramadol that the vet sent home, and she’s been resting comfortably ever since. I took a vacation day just to keep an eye on her for today.

Now I just have to hold my breath until the 31^st when her sutures are supposed to come out, and try to keep her from taking them out sooner. I also have to somehow keep Gail significantly calmer than usual… Right this moment she’s very calm and relaxed, which is kinda nice for a change, but I’m sure that’s not going to last as long as it needs to.

Gail’s next “pic of the week” will feature “The Cone of Shame”.

Kudos

Of course what little I’m putting out wouldn’t be possible at all if it weren’t for Glenn and George. They still send me e-mails on a fairly regular basis with the jokes that I use for Flush Twice. Of course anyone can contribute jokes via our submission page or by sending me and email at flush2x@gmail.com.

“That’s the funny thing about old people: they never seem in a hurry. I think old people have figured out that being five minutes late really doesn’t matter much.” ― Shannon Wiersbitzky,

Pax,

-f2x