This is the curator’s corner; a place where I express my own thoughts about whatever crosses my mind. The jokes are much more fun to read. This section of the site can safely be ignored.
Things have been more stressful around here lately. I keep waiting for something to happen to know that everything is going to be alright, but the stress keeps piling on.
Real life has been mimicking this website for a while now. It’s just one bad joke after another.
Kudos
Keep in mind, our submission page is open for all your corny jokes. You can also do what George and Glenn do, and send your jokes to flush2x@gmail.com
“Why is it, I wondered, that old people are always so self-centered and excitable? But I just smiled benignly and stood back, comforted by the thought that soon they would be dead.” ― Bill Bryson
So Gail is really starting to come into her own. She’s beginning to understand the “rules” of being a dog, and being around her has become more enjoyable as a result. She seems a lot happier too.
On the other hand, there are other aspects of my life that have gotten notably worse. I don’t want to get into it, but I am seriously considering finding another job and leaving the employer I’ve had for over 20 years.
The thought of job hunting at my age is kind of scary. The good news is, I don’t look anywhere near my age. People still easily mistake me for being in my early thirties. The bad news is, I’ve gotten a tad bit obese, and fat people are easier to discriminated against than old people. Even if I start a highly aggressive weight loss plan last week, it would be several months before I got down to an attractive weight, and I may not have that much time.
In any event, the warning signs are brightly lit, and I need to get my ducks lined up so that I have a viable exit strategy from an increasingly unstable situation.
Kudos
Special thanks to Glenn and George for their contributions this week. To contribute jokes to Flush Twice, please use our submission page or click on this e-mail link: flush2x@gmail.com to open your system’s e-mail so you can send me a joke.
“Having a bad boss isn’t your fault. Staying with one is.” ― Nora Denzel
Even when I have some time off, that time has already got something penciled in. I have been running around non-stop for the past two weeks. Minus the calisthenics, it has nearly the same feel as the amount of work I had to put in for the military.
I got that “Work hard; play hard” sort of thing going on. I just want some time off so I can catch my breath… And I mean some real time off where I don’t have to worry about anything.
Alas, it’s not to be. My schedule is booked tight for the foreseeable future, and I’ve got to shoehorn in a few more things before it is all over.
Kudos
Our award for best contributors goes to George and Glenn. Those two guys keep emailing me jokes… most of which I’ve already used, but at least they still send me emails on a regular basis. Of course you could be using our submission page to send me jokes or even email flush2x@gmail.com like George and Glenn do.
“There is always an adventure waiting in the woods.” ― Katelyn S. Bolds
Do you mind if I do a filler rant this week? I really don’t feel like doing any of this right now, so let’s just skip to the kudos.
Kudos
Thanks George and Glenn for all the jokes you’ve sent me. If anyone else would like to add more jokes to the collection please use our submission page or send and email to flush2x@gmail.com.
“If you think your boss is stupid, remember: you wouldn’t have a job if he was any smarter.” ― John Gottman
I recently switched browsers. I originally was an IE user, but after I switched to Linux, I started using Firefox. Later on I discovered that Chrome worked better with many websites, so I’ve been using that for the past several years.
Recently all has not been well with the Chrome browser. My sync account hasn’t been syncing up lately, and a couple of websites wouldn’t load properly… I had to use Firefox to renew one of my domains!
Well this past week I finally did it. I switch to the “Brave” browser. It’s basically a Chrome knockoff, but those pages that didn’t work, now work just fine again. They also have some extra privacy voodoo going on, but it’s basically Chrome. You can even use the same webstore to install all your usual extensions.
So if you get a chance, check out Brave, or if you’re a Firefox lover, try Pale Moon.
Kudos
Thanks for the jokes this week, George and Glenn. If anyone has a joke to share please use our submission page or email it to flush2x@gmail.com.
“Shop the peripheries of the supermarket; stay out of the middle.” – Michael Pollan
So back when I signed up with SiteGround web hosting, they had this quirky way of doing things. You could set up multiple websites, but they had to be under a tertiary domain. So if you had both example.com and something.com, one of them would be the “master” account, let’s say example.com, and the other was a sub account like this: something.example.com, and then you could alias www.something.com to that… Simple, no?
Anyhoo, I didn’t want to use a website I already had as the master, so I registered a new domain, DMR5.com. So at that time you could go to flushtwice.dmr5.com and this site would show up just fine. Of course you could also go to www.flushtwice.com or just flushtwice.com, and they would forward to the flushtwice.dmr5.com in such a way that you would not see it in the address bar. Personally I thought it was stupid, but they did have very fast and responsive servers… Unlike the DSL connection to a Vic 20 you get when you sign up with Dreamhost. (We still have two years left with these clowns.)
So I kept DMR5.com around after switching to Dreamhost, even though I didn’t need it anymore. I kept thinking I would do something with it… and I never did. So yesterday, dmr5.com quietly expired… which is sad… because it’s a four character dot com! Those things aren’t easy to come by. But still, it’s better this way. I mean, what was I suppose to do with it?
My registrar will keep it on hold for a few months under the false assumption that I “forgot” to renew it. After that, it goes up for grabs on the open market. GoDaddy is probably already eyeing it for a spamvertisement-landing page. Whatever happens now is no longer my concern.
Kudos
Speaking of things that no longer concern me, this week’s jokes were sent in by George and Glenn. It great when the only thing I have to do is copy and paste. Of course if you submit a joke through our submission page, I won’t even have to do that. On the other hand, sending jokes to flush2x@gmail.com does require the ol’ ctrl-c/ctrl-v.
“Distracted from distraction by distraction” ― T.S. Eliot
It’s winter here, and the weather is not exactly inviting me to experience the great outdoors. As a result I tend to sit around and contemplate what I want to eat… and then I spend my time making that dish a reality.
I have a very particular set of skills that I have acquired over a very long time of living on my own that allows me to take basic ingredients and manipulate them in such a way as to create those Instagramable moments that taste as good as they look.
This is not helping my waistline.
I wish my comics were as good as my dinners.
Kudos
This is the part where we thank this week’s contributors, and oh look! It’s Glenn and George again! Seriously I if you guys didn’t send me the jokes that you do, I would have quit by now. Of course anyone can use our submission page or email flush2x@gmail.com. It’s tax deductible!
“All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.” ― Charles M. Schulz
Lately I have not been keeping up with production around here. In the past I would have the panel ready to go by Friday night, and Sunday’s rant would be finalized by Saturday. Even the jokes would be in place a week in advance.
I guess can’t blame it all on the dog, but she’s been a major contributor to my recent delayed postings. She’s still very rambunctious, and that makes things like graphic editing and typing nearly impossible.
So if you tune in only to find the updates to be lacking in quality and punctuality, know that it’s just a phase.
UPDATE 1/22/20: Gail had her surgery to be spayed yesterday and everything went just fine. She cried a little, but I gave her the Tramadol that the vet sent home, and she’s been resting comfortably ever since. I took a vacation day just to keep an eye on her for today.
Now I just have to hold my breath until the 31st when her sutures are supposed to come out, and try to keep her from taking them out sooner. I also have to somehow keep Gail significantly calmer than usual… Right this moment she’s very calm and relaxed, which is kinda nice for a change, but I’m sure that’s not going to last as long as it needs to.
Gail’s next “pic of the week” will feature “The Cone of Shame”.
Kudos
Of course what little I’m putting out wouldn’t be possible at all if it weren’t for Glenn and George. They still send me e-mails on a fairly regular basis with the jokes that I use for Flush Twice. Of course anyone can contribute jokes via our submission page or by sending me and email at flush2x@gmail.com.
“That’s the funny thing about old people: they never seem in a hurry. I think old people have figured out that being five minutes late really doesn’t matter much.” ― Shannon Wiersbitzky,
I would really like to get an electric car. Presently I own two vehicles, a gas guzzling SUV from 2002 and a rusty sedan from 1997, neither of which is getting any prettier. Since their fuel and maintenance cost less than a car payment, I keep them.
Recently my dad disputed my assertion that when you do not factor in the price of the vehicle, EV’s (electric vehicles) were cheaper to operate than ICE (internal combustion engine) vehicles. He didn’t think that was true and that the only way to change his mind would be if he owned an EV to see for himself… a condition that could never be satisfied because he would never buy or lease an EV on principle.
It doesn’t take a lot of Googling to learn that the Kilowatt per mile costs only a tiny fraction of what even the most efficient ICE cars can achieve in miles per gallon, but that’s not good enough for my dad. He has finally walled his mind up on the matter. The subject is too political for him. All the information on the internet is “fake news” and “hoaxes”. EV’s are part of a “liberal agenda”, and that’s that!
Of course it is true that if you compare the cost of a new EV to a comparably equipped ICE vehicle, the cost difference will likely be more than the ICE vehicle’s fuel cost over the next ten years. So I’ll concede that EV’s do not actually save you money under the current pricing conditions.
Another problem I have with EV’s is that the auto manufacturers do everything possible to make their EV’s unfamiliar and unacceptable to people who like their ICE cars. The typical driver doesn’t want to operate a “concept car” for their daily commute. They want something familiar, comfortable, safe, and dependable.
There’s no technical reason that EV’s could not be made to look and operate like their ICE brethren, so why is it that automakers willfully keep a viable alternative as the least-appealing option to the average consumer?
Nobody panic. I’m OK… But… I need to see a cardiologist.
After exhibiting all the classic symptoms, my employer called an ambulance and made me go to the E.R. this past week.
It turns out that people my age, who are overweight and have a family history of heart problems, will likely have heart problems themselves. I do not get to be the exception.
The good news is that it was not a heart attack. I’m still being strongly urged to make an appointment for a stress test, and I’ll probably want to get one of those angiograms as well. More than likely I’ll end up with one of those “stints” used to make sure the blood keeps flowing like it should.
Fortunately, middle age male cardiac problems aren’t the death sentence they once were. You get your stint, watch your diet, get some exercise, and go back to work.
With any luck, I probably will not even mention this again.
Flush Twice has been around since May of 2003. It started out as a JOTD (Joke of the Day) website. New jokes were published every weekday. Over the years, good jokes were increasingly hard to come by, and eventually they got so rare that I just stopped trying to publish them.
Since 2004 there has also been an eponymous comic. I still occasionally publish a new one on Saturdays. It’s also rare anymore, but sometimes it happens.
Here lately I’ve been posting a “Link of the Day”. For the time being, I will be featuring a new website from my enormous collection of bookmarked websites every weekday. None of it is solicited promotions, and no one is paying me to feature their site. These are just websites that at one time I thought were interesting enough to add to my bookmarks folder.
I highly encourage using some kind of ad blocking extension before clicking on any of these links. You’ll also hear me say this phrase a lot about these posts: “They can’t all be winners.” But it’s better than just leaving the site abandoned.
The jokes were generously provided by friends and visitors such as yourself. I want to express my eternal thanks to everyone over the years who helped contribute to the collection.
So what is it that makes a joke funny?
It all boils down to a sudden shift in perception. The story starts you thinking one way, then the punchline turns that thinking on its ear. The art of the joke is to craft a short story that isn’t overly contrived, then deliver a punchline that suddenly shifts your perception about the story you were being told.
Many of the jokes on this site are offensive, and I make no apologies for it. Offensive jokes work by making the reader uncomfortable through the use of a taboo subject thus enhancing the underlying humor. Without the offensive element, the joke would simply not be as funny.
