Category Archives: Jokes

Three hookers are comparing notes about their customers from the night before.

“I entertained a cowboy last night,” says the first.

“How did you know he was a cowboy?” asks the second.

“Well, he wore a cowboy hat, cowboy boots, and kept both the hat and the boots on all the time we were together.”

“Sounds like a cowboy, all right,” the others say.

“I entertained a lawyer,” announces the second. “I could tell because he wore a three-piece suit and packed a briefcase. He wore the vest of the suit and hung on to the briefcase all the time.”

They agree he sounded like a lawyer.

“I had a farmer for a client,” comments the third.

“How could you possibly know he was a farmer?” she is asked.

“Well first he complained it was too dry, then he whined it was too wet, then he asked if he could pay me in the fall.”

A woman was having an affair while her husband was at work.

One rainy day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband’s car pull into the driveway.

“Oh my God! Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband’s home early!”

“But it”s raining out there!”

“If my husband catches us in here, he’ll kill us both!” she replied. “He’s got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!”

So the boyfriend got out of bed, grabbed his clothes, and jumped out the window.

As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he suddenly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town”s annual marathon. He started running along beside the others with his clothes tucked under his arm. He tried his best to blend in.

A small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer. “Do you always run in the nude?” one asked.

“Oh yes!” he replied, gasping in air. “It feels so wonderfully free!”

Another runner moved a long side. “Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?”

“Oh, yes” the man answered breathlessly. “That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!”

Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and asked, “Do you always wear a condom when you run?”

“Only when it’s raining.”

There once was a man who owned a sausage factory, and he was showing his arrogant preppy son around his factory.

Try as he might to impress his snobbish son, his son would just sneer.

They approached the heart of the factory, where the father thought, “this should impress him!” He showed his son a machine and said,, “Son, this is the heart of the factory. With this machine we can put in a pig, and out comes the sausages.”

The prudish son, unimpressed, said, “Yes, but do you have a machine where you can put in a sausage and out comes a pig?”

The furious father thought and said: “Yes son, we call it your mother.”

A recently married young woman was crying and pouring out her heart to the church’s appointed marriage counsellor.

“Isn’t there some way, without turning into a nag, that I can keep my husband in line?” She sobbed.

The counsellor scowled. “Well young lady,” he said, “maybe that’s the problem, your husband shouldn’t have to wait in line!”

For you men who still don’t appreciate the perfection of female logic:

Women believe if a pet cat strays, it’s because of a lack of affection at home.

Women believe if a pet dog strays, it’s because of a lack of affection at home.

Women believe if a woman strays, it’s because of a lack of affection at home.

Women believe if a man strays, it’s because men are scum.

With the help of a fertility specialist, a 65-year old woman had a baby.

All her relatives came to visit and meet the newest member of their family.

When they asked to see the baby, the 65-year old mother said, “not yet.”

A little later they asked to see the baby again.

Again the new mother said, “not yet.”

Finally they said, “When can we see the baby?”

And the mother said, “When the baby cries.”

The relatives asked, “Why do we have to wait until the baby cries?”

The senior mother explained, “Because I forgot where I put it.”

Little Johnny was telling his father, “My Chemistry teacher is really giving me a rough time.”

“Handle it this way Johnny,” his father advised. “Take special care with your personal appearance and attire. Pay attention in class. And do your assignments and homework promptly.”

Johnny sighed, “I really don’t think that’ll help, Dad.”

“Why not?” asked his father.

“During study break, she hissed at me that she’s 3 weeks overdue.”

Moss and Roy were chatting in the IT department at work.

“Yesterday, I met this gorgeous blonde girl in a bar,” said Roy

Moss asked, “So what happened? What did you do?”

“Well,” said Roy, “I invited her over to my place, we had a couple of drinks, we got into the mood and then she suddenly asked me to take all her clothes off.”

“You’re kidding me!” exclaimed Moss

“No seriously! I took her miniskirt off, then her bra, her panties, and then I lifted her up and put her on the desk next to my new laptop.”

“Really?” Moss said with excitement. “You got a new laptop?”

A groom passed down the aisle of the church to take his place by the altar. The best man noticed that the groom had the biggest, brightest smile on his face.

The best man asked, “Hey man, I know you are happy to be getting married, but what’s up with that smile?”

The groom replied, “I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me.”

The bride came walking down the aisle, and she too had the biggest, brightest smile on her face.

The maid of honor noticed this and asked, “Hey, I know you are happy to be getting married, but what’s up with that smile?”

The bride replied, “I’ll never have to give another blow job for the rest of my life!”

A housewife called a plumber to fix a leaky pipe.

During the course of the afternoon the two became extremely friendly. One thing led to another, and before long the two were frolicking in the sheets.

Suddenly the phone rang, and the housewife took the call. After she hung up the phone she told the plumber, “That was my husband. He’s on his way home now, but he’ll be going back to the office around 8pm. Come back then, and we can take up where we left off.”

The plumber looked at the woman in disbelief, “What? On my own time?”