Little Johnny walks in on his parents having sex and asks, “What are you doing?”
His father says, “We’re playing cards, and your mother is my wild card.”
A week later, Little Johnny walks in on his father masturbating. He asks, “What are you doing?”
His father says, “I’m playing cards.”
“Where’s your wild card?” Johnny asks.
His father replies, “Son, you don’t need one when you’ve got a good hand.”
🤣🤣🤣🤣😭👍
Paddy’s wife bought a pair of crotchless knickers in an attempt to spice up her and her hubby’s sex life.
She put them on with a short skirt and sat on the sofa opposite her husband.
Every so often she would uncross her legs untill her husband noticed.
Husband: “Are you wearing crotchless panties?”
Her: “Yes,” she answered seductively.
Husband: “Thank fuck for that. I thought the stuffing was coming out of the sofa.”
A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.
The woman’s husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, “Dark in here.”
The man says, “Yes, it is.”
Boy – “I have a baseball.”
Man – “That’s nice.”
Boy – “Want to buy it?”
Man – “No, thanks.”
Boy – “My dad’s outside.”
Man – “OK, how much?”
Boy – “$150”
Man – “Sold.”
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy – “Dark in here.”
Man – “Yes, it is.”
Boy – “I have a Wilson infielder’s glove.”
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy,”How much?”
Boy – “$350”
Man – “Highway robbery. Sold.”
A few days later, the father says to the boy, “Grab your gloves, let’s go outside and have a game of catch.”
The boy says, “I can’t, I sold my ball and my glove.”
The father asks, “How much did you sell them for?”
The boy says, “$500”
The father says, “That’s terrible to overcharge your friends like that… that is way more than those two things cost.
I’m going to take you to church and make you confess your greed.”
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth with the Priest to confess his sins and he closes the door.
The boy says, “Dark in here.”
The priest says, “Don’t start that crap again, you’re in my closet now.”
A woman goes to the doctor, worried about her husbands temper.
The doctor asks, ” What’s the problem? ” The woman says, doctor, I don’t know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason, it scares me.
The doctor says, ” I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don’t swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down.”
Two weeks later, the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn. The woman says, doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?
The doctor says, ” The water itself does nothing. It’s keeping your mouth shut that does the trick..”
A man found a tennis ball while out jogging and put it in his pocket to give his dog back home…
As he stopped to wait at the traffic lights, a woman next to him couldn’t help but notice the large bulge in his trouser pocket.
“Tennis ball” the man said.
“Oh, that must be painful,” she replied. “I had tennis elbow once!” 🤣🤣🤣👍
The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, “You’re charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer.” A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, “You bastard.” The judge says, “You’re also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer.” The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, “You God-damned bastard.” The judge stops, and says to the guy in the back of the courtroom, “Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime. But no more outbursts from you, or I’ll charge you with contempt. Is that a problem?” The guy in the back of the court stands up and says, “For fifteen years, I’ve lived next door to that bastard, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn’t have one.”
I pass by this ancient mailbox every day on my walks. The old rusty box is nailed to an oak that has to be 150 years old. After 6 years of passing it by I decided to open the box to see if anything was inside. After all, there isn’t even a house nearby to which it could possibly serve anyway. Any home it serviced was long ago torn down I’m sure. I noticed an ancient letter inside as you can see in picture. I looked at the post mark date and it said July 7, 1903. Due to age and moisture the addressee on the envelope was not readable, so I opened up the envelope hoping to find some local history and a good story I could share with you. Here is what the letter inside said. “We at Carriage Shield hate to be the bearer of bad news Mr Mallard but the warranty on your buggy has expired. Please take a few minutes to sign up for our 2-horse plan and never worry about those expensive wheel and horseshoe repairs again.” 😂😂
A poor family lives on a farm and they rely on their chickens for income.
One morning, the father walks outside to find the chicken coop empty and the corpses of chickens on the ground.
“There’s nothing that could help get us out of poverty now,” says the dad as he shoots himself.
The mom walks outside and sees the dad and the chickens on the ground.
“I can’t live without my husband,” she says as she shoots herself with her husband’s gun.
The daughter walks outside and sees her mother, father, and the dead chickens.
“I can’t live any longer without my family,” she says as she jumps into the river and kills herself.
The oldest son, 23 years old, walks outside looking for the family and sees them all dead.
“Is there anyway to bring them back,” he yells at the sky.
Poof! A magical fairy appears out of thin air.
“I will bring your whole family back to life, even the chickens,” she says, “if you can fuck me 5 times in a row. If not, I get to kill you.”
The boy fucks her 2 times in a row and he dies.
The middle son, 19 years old, comes out and sees the fairy. She gives him the same offer as his brother.
“I will bring your whole family back to life, even the chickens,” she says, “if you can fuck me 5 times in a row. If not, I get to kill you.”
The son agrees to do it but can only do it 4 times. He dies.
The youngest son, 15 years old, comes out and is given the same offer.
“I will bring your whole family back to life, even the chickens,” she says, “if you can fuck me 5 times in a row. If not I get to kill you.”
The son says, “What if I fuck you 10 times in a row?”
The fairy thinks. She says, “I will bring back your family and grant you fortune.
The son says, “What if I fuck you 20 times in a row?”
She thinks again and says, “I will bring back your family, grant you fortune, and give you a mansion.”
The son thinks and says, “What if I fuck you 30 times in a row?”
She thinks and says, “I will bring back your family and ensure that your family bloodline remains rich for the next generations to come.”
The son says, “Wait, how do I know you’ll survive it?”
“What do you mean?” says the fairy.
“The chickens didn’t.”
A guy in a wheelchair entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked
the waitress for a cup of coffee. The guy looked across the
restaurant and asked, “Is that Jesus sitting over there?” The waitress
nodded “yes,” so the guy requested that she give Jesus a cup of
coffee on him.
The next patron to come in was a man with a hunched back. He
shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for a
cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, “Is that
Jesus over there?” The waitress nodded, so the man asked her to give
Jesus a cup of hot tea, “My treat.”
The third patron to come into the restaurant was a guy on crutches. He
hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, “Hey there, honey! How’s
about gettin’ me a cold glass of Miller Light!” He, too, looked across the
restaurant and asked, “Is that God’s boy over there?” The waitress once more
nodded, so the man directed her to give Jesus a cold glass of beer. “On
my bill,” he said.
As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the man in a wheelchair, and touched him and said,
“For your kindness, you are healed.” The man felt the strength come
back into his legs, got up, and danced a jig out the door.
Jesus also passed by the man and, touched him and said, “For your
kindness, you are healed.” The man felt his back straightening up,
and he raised his hands, praised the Lord and did a series of back flips out
the door.
Then Jesus walked towards the 3rd man on crutches, The man quickly jumped up, and yelled,
“Don’t touch me! I’m collecting disability!
There were three guys- a sex addict a weed addict and a alcoholic. They went to hell for their sin and were standing in front of the devil.
The devil made a deal with them saying I will lock you in a room for a 1000 years with your temptations and if you get over your sins I will send you back to the land of the living, Earth.
So the sex addict got locked in a room full of attractive women, the alcohol addict got locked in a room stocked with all kinds of alcohol, the weed addict locked in a room full of weed.
A 1000 years later the Devil goes to the sex addict he comes out saying “My dick hurts, and I’m never having sex again”; poof – back to earth.
The alcoholic’s room is opened and he say “My head feels awful and I’m never having any alcohol again”; poof -back to Earth.
Then the Devil opens the weed addict’s room and the Weed addict punches the Devil in the face and says “you forgot my lighter bitch!”
