Bull Service

A rancher needs a bull to service his cows but needs to borrow the money from the bank.

The banker who lent the money comes by a week later to see how his investment is doing.

The farmer complains that the bull just eats grass and won’t even look at the cows.

The banker suggests that a veterinarian have a look at the bull. The next week the banker returns to see if the vet helped.

The farmer looks very pleased “The bull has serviced all my cows, broke through the fence, and has serviced all my neighbor’s cows.”

“Wow,” says the banker, “what did the vet do to that bull?” “Just gave him some pills,” replied the farmer.

“What kind of pills?”

“I don’t know,” says the farmer, “but they sort of taste like peppermint.”

A Little Bit Chowder Now

The owner of a restaurant sends his employee undercover to the vastly more successful restaurant across the road.

Before sending him, the owner says “That restaurant is ruining business here, all because of their famous chowder. I need their recipe ASAP!”

The employee manages to infiltrate the kitchen of the successful restaurant the next day and returns to his boss gleefully: “Boss, I think I have the recipe!”

The boss and the employee follow the recipe, however the result is rather runny.

“This can’t be right. It’s too watery for chowder.” says the boss. “Go back and try again!”

The employee infiltrates the kitchen a second time, and returns with a baffled look on his face.

“Boss, we had everything correct, except one. The secret ingredient!”

“Well? What is it?” responds the boss.

“It’s pages from a book.”

“What?” replies the boss. ” A book?”

“That’s right, the chef tears small bits off of the pages and mixes it into the chowder.”

A light bulb goes off in the bosses head, “I see! The plot thickens.”

Meanwhile, on a Russian Deathbed

An old Soviet communist lies on his death bed, on the verge of death. His friends are gathered around him all somber. The old man turns to one of them and says,

“Dimitri, remember in 1921 you were almost executed? Well, you should know that I ratted you out to the Cheka. I hope you forgive me.”

“Oh comrade, it is In the past and all is forgiven” says Dimitri.

The Communist then turns to another friend.

“Petya, remember being sentenced in 1937 to 25 years in the gulag? Well, it was me who went to the NKVD. Please forgive me.”

“No more hard feelings, my friend. You are forgiven,” says Petya.

“Misha, I must confess to you that I had you sent to the penal battalion in 1942. I am terribly sorry about that day.”

“Please my friend, we all forgive you. You may go in peace,” says Misha.

“Thank you, comrades, for being with me throughout all these years,” says the old communist with a tear streaming down his face. “I don’t know where I’d be if it wasn’t for you. I’m sorry for betraying you all, and I hope you will forgive me.”

His friends are visibly touched by his words. Finally, he gathers his last strength and says.

“And in honor of our deep friendship I want you to fulfill my last wish. See that cactus plant on the windowsill? As soon as I die, I want you to take it and shove it up my ass.”

Just as his friends were about to say something the old communist took his last breath.

So Petya goes to the window, takes the cactus plant off and with the other two holding up the old communist’s legs, shoves it up their dead friend’s butt. Suddenly, they hear a loud banging on the door followed by a gruff voice shouting:

“Open up, it’s the police. We’ve received information that an old Bolshevik has been tortured to death.”

The Deathbed Promise

A dying billionaire called in his doctor, lawyer, and priest for a talk, “For all your years of friendship and faithful service I’ve left each of you a generous gift in my will, but I want each of you to do one last thing for me. Here is one million dollars cash for each of you. I want you to slip it into my coffin before I’m buried. I want to see if everyone is wrong and I can take it with me.”

He dies soon after, and as the three are walking away from the grave site the priest mutters, “okay, my conscience is bothering me. I have to confess: I thought of all the good that money could do in our community; it seemed a shame to waste it. I donated half of it to a charity that provides for the poor. I only put half in the coffin.”

The doctor sighed, “I should confess too. I thought of how badly my hospital needs money for cancer research. I donated two thirds of it anonymously to our charity fund. I only put a third in the coffin.”

The lawyer, disgusted, let into the two, “Gentlemen, you made a solemn promise on our friend’s deathbed, and this is how you honor his final wishes? I’m ashamed, appalled, at your behavior! I for one put in a check for the full amount!”

The Monkey Witness

A police officer came upon a terrible wreck…

A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and a passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey and said, “I wish you could talk.”

The monkey looked up at the officer and nodded his head up and down.”
You can understand what I’m saying?” asked the officer.
Again, the monkey nodded his head up and down.
“Well, did you see this?”
“Yes,” motioned the monkey.
“What happened?”

The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth.
“They were drinking?” asked the officer.
The monkey nods his head, “Yes.”
“What else?”

The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth.
“They were smoking marijuana?”
The monkey nods his head, “Yes.”
“What else?”

The monkey motioned “kissing.”
“They were kissing, too?” asked the astounded officer.
The monkey nods his head, “Yes.”

“Now wait, you’re saying your owners were drinking, smoking and kissing before they wrecked?”
The monkey nods his head, “Yes.”
“What were you doing during all this?”

“…Driving…” motioned the monkey.

Cocktail Sticks

A homeless guy walked into a bar. The bartender asks what he wants while encouraging him to leave.

The homeless man promises he’ll leave if he can get a cocktail stick.Reluctantly, without question, the bartender agrees and gives the homeless man a cocktail stick, and he’s back on his way.

A few minutes later, another homeless man walks into the bar and asks the same thing.

The bartender is confused. Not wanting to put his paying customers off, he shrugs, and offers the same deal, “I’ll give you one, if you leave immediately”.The homeless man agrees, grabs the cocktail stick and rushes back outside.

A while goes by, a 3rd homeless man walks in, before he could speak, the bartender stops him and says: “Let me guess, you want a cocktail stick?”

The homeless man says, “No, no! can I have a straw please?”

The bartender asks “Why? 2 of your buddies have come in asking for cocktail sticks, why do you want a straw?”

The homeless man replies: “Someone threw up outside, and all the best bits are gone”

Talking Horse

A guy is walking through the country when he spots a sign that reads, “Talking Horse for Sale.” Intrigued, he walks up to the stable to check it out.

“So what have you done with your life?” he asks the horse.

“I’ve led a full life,” the horse answers miraculously. “I was born in The Andes where I helped farm for an entire village. Years later, I joined the mounted police force in New York and helped keep the city clean and safe. And now, I spend my days volunterring for charities and giving free rides to underprivileged kids here in the country.”

The guy is flabbergasted. He asks the horse’s owner, “Why on earth would you want to get rid of such an incredible animal?”

The owner says, “Because he’s a fucking liar! He never did any of that shit!”

To Fix the Outhouse

Marie was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out…. “Boudreaux, you need to go out and fix da outhouse!”
Boudreaux replies, “Dere ain’t nuthin wrong wid da outhouse.”
Marie yells back, “Yes dere is; now git out dere and fix it.”
So…….Boudreaux mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back, “Marie dere ain’t nuthin wrong wid dis outhouse cher! ”
Marie replies, “Stick yur head in da hole!”
Boudreaux yells back, “I ain’t stickin my head in dat hole!”
Marie says, “Ya have to stick yur head in da hole to see what to fix.”
So with that, Boudreaux sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back,”Marie – Dere ain’t nuthin wrong with dis outhouse!”
Marie hollers back, “Now take your head out of da hole!”
Boudreaux proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, and then starts yelling, “Marie – Help! My beard is stuck in da cracks in da toilet seat!”
To which Marie replies, “Hurts, don’t it?”

Barber

A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber who responded, “Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It’s crowded and dirty. You’re crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?”
“We’re taking American Airlines,” was the reply. “We got a great rate!”
“American Airlines?” exclaimed the barber. “That’s a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they’re always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?”
“We’ll be at the downtown International Marriott.”
“That dump! That’s the worst hotel in the city. The rooms are small, the service is surly and they’re overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?”
“We’re going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope.”
“That’s rich,” laughed the barber. “You and a million other people trying to see him. You’ll be at the back of St Peter’s Square and from that distance he’ll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You’re going to need it.”
A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome.
“It was wonderful,” explained the man. “Not only were we on time in one of American Airlines’s brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28 year old stewardess who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel was great! They’d just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it’s the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!”
“Well,” muttered the barber, “I know you didn’t get to see the Pope.”
“Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I’d be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later the pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me.”
“Really?” asked the Barber. “What’d he say?”
He said, “Where’d you get the shitty haircut?”

Playing Cards

Little Johnny walks in on his parents having sex and asks, “What are you doing?”

His father says, “We’re playing cards, and your mother is my wild card.”

A week later, Little Johnny walks in on his father masturbating. He asks, “What are you doing?”

His father says, “I’m playing cards.”

“Where’s your wild card?” Johnny asks.

His father replies, “Son, you don’t need one when you’ve got a good hand.”

🤣🤣🤣🤣😭👍