Category Archives: Jokes

A foursome was waiting at the men’s tee while another foursome of ladies were hitting from the ladies tee.

The ladies were taking their time, and when finally the last one was ready to hit the ball she hacked it about 10 feet, went over to it and hacked it another 10 feet.

She looked up at the men who were watching, and said apologetically, “I guess all those fucking lessons I took this winter didn’t help.”

One of the men immediately replied, “Now, you see, that’s your problem. You should have taken golf lessons instead.”

The local priest had to attend an out of town meeting for a few days, but didn’t have anyone to cover for him in the confessional.

He asked his rabbi friend across the street at the synagogue. The rabbi said he’d be delighted to help, but didn’t have the foggiest idea of how confession worked.

Understanding the rabbi’s ignorance on the subject, the priest suggested that the rabbi “sit-in” on a few confessions just so he could get the hang of it.

So the priest and rabbi waited together in the booth for someone to come give their confession.

Finally a man showed up and said, “Father, forgive me for I have sinned. I committed adultery three times in the past week.”

The priest then advised the man, “Say two Hail Mary’s, put $5 in the box, and go and sin no more.”

After the first man left, another man entered and said, “Father, forgive me for I have sinned. I committed adultery three times in the past week.”

Again, the priest advised, “Say two Hail Mary’s, put $5 in the box, and go and sin no more.”

After the man left, the rabbi said, “I think I got the idea. Let me take the next one.”

A moment later another man entered the booth, “Father, forgive me for I have sinned. I committed adultery once this past week.”

Knowing he’s got a handle on this, the rabbi advised, “Go and do it two more times, We have a special this week, three for $5.”

Vicki was still feeling a bit weak and not up to par after her recent bout with the flu, so she went to see her doctor again.

After a quick examination, he said, “You look weak and exhausted! What have you been doing? Are you getting out in the fresh air, getting enough exercise, and having your meals 3 times a day, as I advised on your last visit?”

Vicki looked up, a bit surprised and exclaimed, “Oh doc, I’ve sure been getting the first two, but on that last one, I could have sworn you said three males a day!”

Veronica was talking to her friend Stacy over coffee at the cafe. “The biggest problem I have with my husband is that he can ruin even the best sex with only three words.”

“What three words could do that?” asked Stacy.

“Right as I was in the middle of my orgasm,” explained Veronica, “I heard him say, ‘Honey, I’m home!'”

While reading the newspaper, Thomas came across an article about a beautiful and talented actress who married a male celebrity noted for his ability to be rather unpleasant at times.

“I’ll never understand,” he said to his wife, “why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives.”

His wife smiled and said, “Why thank you, dear!”

An older man and woman were flirting with one another at their local senior single’s bar.

After a few drinks, the old man asked the old woman, “If I took you out for a full night of dancing, what do you think you would wear?”

The old woman shyly replied, “Depends.”

“Depends? Depends on what?” he asked quizzically.

“On my derriere, where else?!” she replied curtly.

Michelle was a very bad driver. After an unfortunate mishap in a parking garage, she took her vehicle to an auto mechanic.

Seeing that the young woman was quite blonde, the mechanic decided to have a little fun at Michelle’s expense. “We don’t do bodywork at this shop, but I can tell you an easy way to fix the dents. Just blow really, really hard into the tail pipe, and it will pop ’em all out!”

She thanked him for his wonderful advice and went home to give it a try. After the tailpipe had cooled off, she opened her mouth really wide and placed her lips around the tube. She then started to blow as hard as she could. She kept huffing and blowing until she turned purple!

It was then that her husband came home and asked her, “What on earth do you think you’re doing?!”

After explaining to her husband how she was trying to remove the dents from her car, he shook his head and said, “That will never work, dear. You forgot to roll up the windows.”

A high-priced call girl brought a customer to her upscale apartment. He admired the fancy furnishings and the fine art on the walls. After a short while he asked how she was able to amass such splendor.

She replied that the furnishings and artwork were actually her father’s, and that he had been a politician for over forty years.

With and understanding smile the man asked, “So why you didn’t follow in his footsteps instead of choosing this way of life?”

The strumpet sighed and said, “Oh, just lucky I guess. Besides, I had my moral standards to uphold.”

Marty stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity. He waggled, looked up, looked down, waggled again, but didn’t start his backswing.

Finally his exasperated partner asked, “What the hell is taking so long?”

“My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse,” Marty explained, “and I want to hit the perfect shot.”

“You can forget about that!” his companion exclaimed. “There’s no way in hell of hitting her from here.”

Valerie and Linda were chatting over coffee, when Linda remarked, “All I want out of life is the four animals that my Mom always said I would need.”

Puzzled, Valerie asked, “Really and what four animals would that be?”

Linda took a sip from her coffee and said, “A mink on my back, a jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bed, and a jackass to pay for all of it.”