Jill was talking to Mary about her growing list of ex-husbands. “So who was the most inexperienced man you’ve ever married?” asked Mary.
Without hesitating, Jill replied, “Oh that would be my first husband, Walter. You wouldn’t believe how inexperienced Walter was.”
“How bad was he?” asked Mary.
“It wasn’t that he was that bad,” said Jill, “but on our wedding night, he tried to inflate me.”
Three women were sitting around talking about their husbands’ sexual prowess.
The first said, “I think my husband’s like a championship golfer. He’s spent the last ten years perfecting his stroke.”
The second woman said, “My husband’s like the winner of the Indy 500. Every time we get into bed he gives me a couple hundred exciting laps.”
The third woman was silent until she was asked, “Tell us about your husband.”
She thought for a moment and said, “My husband’s like an Olympic gold medal winner in the 400 metres.”
“How so?” one of the others asked quizzically.
“He’s got his time down to around 43 seconds.”
Barb and Harry always dreamed of going to Hawaii, but Harry had trouble coming up with the money to do so. One day they came up with an idea. Each time they had sex, Harry would put a twenty into the piggy bank.
A few years later they decided to count the money for their dream vacation and broke open the piggy bank.
Harry looked at their savings and said: “That’s strange. I only remember putting a twenty in the piggy bank every time we had sex, but I see several fifties and quite a few hundreds.”
Barb replied, “Well, not everyone was as cheap as you.”
A man was talking to his wife one evening and said, “You know, I was thinking of going down to the bar tonight and entering that big dick contest.”
“Oh honey,” she exclaimed, “I don’t want you taking that out in public!”
“But sweet thing,” he said, “the prize is $200!”
“I don’t care,” she replied, “I don’t want you showing that thing to everybody.”
So he let the subject drop until the following night when his wife walked in on him in the bedroom, counting out two hundred dollars. “Did you go down and enter that big dick contest last night after I told you not to?”
“Please forgive me, sweetheart,” he said.
“You mean you took that thing out for everybody to see?” she said, as the tears welled up in her eyes.
The man looked at her fondly and said, “Only enough to win.”
A pretty girl was driving through the west when her car unexpectedly ran out or gas. As fate would have it, an Indian came along on horseback and gave her a ride to the nearest gas station.
Every few minutes the Indian would let out a wild whoop that could curdle milk. Finally, as he dropped her off at the gas station, he cried, “Yiiieee-yiiieee-yiiiee!” and galloped off.
“My god!” said the gas station attendant. “What were you doing to that Indian to make him holler like that?”
“Why, nothing,” said the girl. “I just sat behind him with my arms around him, holding onto his saddle horn.”
“Lady,” said the attendant, “Indians don’t use saddles.”
A barfly sat salaciously at the end of the bar. Mario checked himself in the mirror and made his way over to try his luck with the local lush.
Despite his handsome looks and charm, the liquor sponge scoffed at his vain attempts to woo her.
Mario had nearly used every line he had on the introverted carouser. As his importuning began to wind down, he tried one last desperate plea, “I’m perfect for you, cause I’m a cross between a macho and a sensitive man.”
Without even looking up from her drink, the debauchee dryly remarked, “So after all that, you’re telling me you’re a gay trucker?”
Q: There were 500 bricks on an airplane. One of them fell out. How many were left?
A: 499
Q: What are the three steps to putting an elephant into a refrigerator?
A: 1. Open the refrigerator door. 2. Put the elephant in. 3. Close the refrigerator door.
Q: What are the four steps to putting a giraffe into a refrigerator?
A: 1. Open the refrigerator door. 2. Take out the elephant. 3. Put the giraffe in. 4. Close the refrigerator door.
Q: The lion was having a birthday party in the jungle and all the animals attended but one. Which one was it, and why?
A: The giraffe, because it was stuck in the refrigerator.
Q: Sally wanted to cross an alligator infested river. There was no bridge, and the only way she could get across was by swimming. Sally swam across the river and safely made it to the other side. How was she able to do this?
A: Because all of the alligators were at the birthday party.
Q: Sadly, Sally died anyway. Why?
A: She was killed by the falling brick.
Janet scowled as she handed her husband Bob and pair of silk panties, “This wouldn’t happen to belong to your secretary would they?”
“Where did you find those?” Bob sputtered with nervous embarrassment.
“I didn’t,” she curtly remarked. “The mailman found them in your night stand.”
So how many of these have you told (or been told)?
1. I’ll call you.
2. I love you.
3. You’re the only one.
4. I’ve never felt this way about anyone else.
5. I’ve got to work late at the office tonight.
6. That’s the best sex I’ve ever had.
7. You’ve got the most beautiful eyes.
8. No, I’m not married.
9. Sorry. I must have left my wallet and credit cards at home.
10. You just have to believe me when I tell you nothing’s wrong.
11. I’m ready to make a commitment.
12. Except for a beer or two, I never drink.
13. My wife and I haven’t had sex in years.
14. We’ll get married as soon as I …
15. I’ll be home in twenty minutes.
16. It’s not that I don’t care – I just have to spend more time with my kids.
17. I’ve only slept with maybe ten women in my entire life.
18. I’ve been celibate since we broke up.
19. I could never lie to you.
20. I can still last all night.
21. I always use a con-dom.
22. I can help you get a great job in my company (field)
23. I haven’t seen her since she and I broke up.
24. I tested HIV negative.
25. I haven’t seen her since she and I broke up.
26. The only sexual fantasies I have are about you.
27. No, I don’t think your thighs (stomach, breasts, hips, etc.) are too big.
28. I’m too tired.
29. How could you think I’d be interested in her? She’s your best friend.
30. When it comes to oral sex, I’m the best.
31. I’ve never had any trouble keeping an erection before.
32. It’s you and me, babe – we’ll make love all over Europe.
33. I’d never do anything to hurt you.
34. I want to grow old with you.
35. Believe me, my wife and I live very separate lives.
36. Our having sex won’t change a thing between us.
37. Don’t worry, I’ve had a vasectomy.
38. I’m going to leave my wife.
39. You’re nothing at all like my mother.
40. Your being a different religion doesn’t matter to me.
41. It doesn’t bother me that you make more money than I do.
42. Even without sex, we’d still be friends.
43. I think older women are the most exciting.
44. I’m considered one of the top people (in my field, in the company).
45. What attracts me to you is your mind.
46. We’ll split all the child care and household chores fifty-fifty.
47. Of course I don’t mind that you didn’t come.
48. I’ve never had an affair before.
49. You’re the only one who understands me.
50. I’ve never been in therapy.
51. You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me.
52. No, I’m not seeing anyone else.
53. I haven’t thought about her (old girlfriend) in years.
54. How many times do I have to tell you I’m not having an affair?
55. Your career is as important as mine.
56. I promise you that I’ll change.
57. I want us to remain close friends always.
58. My wife and I have an understanding.
59. You’re wonderful; you deserve someone better than me.
60. I don’t masturbate.
61. Let’s be friends first.
62. When you walked through that door, I knew it was the real thing.
63. I’d like you even if you were a man.
64. It’s okay to be good looking, but looks just don’t mean that much to me.
65. The difference between us will bring us even closer.
66. I spend everything I earn on you and the kids.
67. No, I never said that.
68. You make me feel like a kid again.
69. I’m going out with the boys (to the gym, to the office).
70. I’ll move wherever you want.
71. Of course I’m not bored with you.
72. As soon as I finish this project (get a promotion, a raise, make partner), we’ll…
73. You’ve got more sex appeal in your little toe than my wife’s got in her whole body.
74. It wouldn’t be you and me anymore if I used one of those.
75. Let’s pool our assets – whatever is mine is yours.
76. I still find you just as attractive as the day I met you.
77. Divorce is the farthest thing from my mind.
78. Sure, I’ll watch the kids.
79. It’s not just the sex I want, it’s being close to you.
80. We’ll be spending a lot of time together when I retire.
81. You’re the only reason I’ve worked so hard.
82. If I didn’t have all this work, you know I’d go with you and the kids to your mom’s.
83. No one’s ever turned me on like you do.
84. My boss says there’s nothing to worry about.
85. I’ll never tell.
86. Relax, she’s just a friend.
87. This is just a temporary separation until we get things worked out.
88. Your hair (dress, outfit) looks fantastic.
89. It was just sex – it didn’t mean a thing.
90. Of course I’m listening to what you’re saying.
91. Come on in and we’ll just cuddle for a few minutes.
92. No, I don’t think you’re fat.
93. You’re the woman I should have married.
94. I’m going to be focusing on my work for a while now.
95. I guarantee you, I’m not the father.
96. Your having kids has nothing to do with
my not wanting to get married.
97. I’m not ashamed of the way you talk (look, act, etc.)
98. It’s nothing personal; I just don’t like sharing my living space with someone.
99. This time I’m really serious.
100. Honestly, honey, it’s just for the guys — none of the wives go to the conference.
101. I’ll always take care of you.
During the wedding reception in the family’s southern mansion, the bride’s Granddaddy slipped her five $100 bills and told her that it was for her and to keep it for “mad money”. The bride took the money and discretely stuffed the bills into her gloves.
By family tradition, the couple spent their first night together in their historic plantation house.
Later that night, after all the guests had left, the bride’s Grandmother saw the bride sneaking down the stairs, and asked where she was going.. “I left my gloves in the library, Grandma, and it’s important that I have them.”
“Oh you youngsters!” the Grandmother sighed. “You march yourself right back upstairs and grab hold of that damm thing with your bare hands just like I did your Grandfather’s.”
