A grizzled old sea captain was quizzing a young naval student. “What steps would you take if a sudden storm came up on the starboard?”
“I’d throw out an anchor, sir.”
“What would you do if another storm sprang up aft?”
“I’d throw out another anchor, sir.”
“But what if a third storm sprang up forward?”
“I’d throw out another anchor, captain.”
“Just a minute, son. Where in the world are you getting all these anchors?”
“From the same place you’re getting all your storms, sir.”
A midget was waiting to get on a bus when a busty blonde stepped on him.
The first time this happened, he decided not to say anything. However, once again the blonde stepped on him. He looked upwards and shouted, “Hey you big dumb brunette, watch where you’re stepping.”
She looked down and said, “I am not a brunette, I’m a blonde!”
The midget replied, “Not from where I’m standing, you’re not!”
A young Catholic girl went to confession and said to the priest, “I think I’m pregnant.”
He asked, “How did this happen, my child?”
Nervously she said, “I think it has something to do with the second coming.”
Shocked by this reply, the priest asked, “What makes you think this has anything to do with the Second Coming?”
She replied, “Because I swallowed the first one.”
Two older ladies, Margret and Gertrude, were walking through the museum and got separated for a spell.
When they ran into each other later Margret said, “Did you see that statue of the naked man back there?”
“Yes I did!” said Gertrude. “I was absolutely shocked! How can they display such a thing! Why, the penis on that statue was far too large!”
With a smile Margret blurted out, “…and cold, too!”
A blonde heard that baths in milk would make her skin beautiful, so she left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.
When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons.
So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.
The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, “I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?”
The blonde says, “No, I want 25 gallons. I’m going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again.”
The milkman remarked, “Well, that’s an awful lot of milk. Do you need it Pasteurized?”
The blonde says, “No, just up to my tits. I can splash it on my eyes if I need to!”
While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand-new tennis ball. Seeing nobody around that it might belong to, he slipped it into the pocket of his shorts.
After jogging for some time, he stopped at a pedestrian crossing and waited for the lights to change.
A blonde standing next to him eyed the large bulge in his shorts. “What’s that?” she asked out of curiosity.
“Tennis ball,” came the breathless reply.
“Oh,” said the girl sympathetically, “that must be painful. I had tennis elbow once.”
A small tourist hotel was all a buzz about an afternoon wedding, where the groom was 95 and the bride was 23.
The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him, because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman.
But, lo and behold, the next morning, the bride came down the main staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the banister for dear life.
She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the hotel.
The clerk looked really concerned, “What happened to you, honey? You look like you’ve been wrestling an alligator!”
The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak, “Ohhh God! He told me he’d been saving up for 75 years. I thought he meant his money!”
Two men were sitting at a bar recounting their dreams.
“I dreamed I was on vacation,” one man said fondly. “It was just me and my fishing rod, and this big beautiful lake. What a dream.”
“I had a great dream too,” said the other. “I dreamed I was in bed with two beautiful women and having the time of my life.”
His companion looked over and exhorted, “You dreamed you had two women, and you didn’t call me?”
“Oh, I did,” said the other, “but when I called, you’d gone fishing.”
A senior citizen went to the doctor and said, “Doctor, I only have sex once a week.”
The doctor asked, “How old are you?”
The patient replied “Seventy-five.”
“Wait now. You’re 75, and have sex once a week. I think that’s wonderful. What are you complaining about?”
“My neighbor is almost eighty years old, and he says he has sex three times a week, every week.”
The doctor smiled and said, “I can easily solve your problem. From now on, you tell him the same thing.”
A father was explaining the facts of life to his teenage son. After covering the basic biology, he moved on to the finer points of love-making.
“One thing to keep in mind, son, is that different women say different things during the sex act, even if you are doing the same thing.”
“What do you mean, Dad?” asked the son quizzically.
“Well, for example, their words will vary according to their occupation. For example, a prostitute will tend to say, ‘Are you done yet?’ On the other hand, a nymphomaniac will ask, ‘Are you done already?’ a school teacher will say, ‘We are going to do this over and over again until you get it right!’ and a nurse will say, ‘This won’t hurt one bit’.
“I thought they said, ‘Pull down your pants and bend over’,” quipped the young lad.
“That’s male nurses,” corrected the father, “but let’s move on. A bank teller will say, ‘Substantial penalty for early withdrawal.’ A stewardess will say, ‘Place this over your face and breathe normally.’…
“And what does mom say?” asked the boy.
The father looked down and paused for a moment before saying, “‘Beige.’ She says, ‘I think we should paint the ceiling beige.'”
