Category Archives: Jokes

An Irishman, a Mexican and a redneck were at work on the scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

As they ate their lunches, the Irishman said, “Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef one more time for lunch, I’m going to jump off this building.”

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, “Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time for lunch, I am going to jump off too.”

The redneck opened his lunch and said, “Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time I’m jumping off too!”

The next day the Irishman opened his lunchbox, saw the corned beef and cabbage, and jumped off the building.

The Mexican opened his lunch box, saw the burritos, and jumped off too.

The redneck opened his lunchbox and saw bologna, so he jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman’s wife wept and said, “If I had known he was tired of corned beef and cabbage I would have never given it to him again!”.

The Mexican’s wife also cried and said, “I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn’t realize he hated burritos so much.”

Just then, everyone turned and stared at the redneck’s wife.

“Hey, don’t look at me” she said, “He made his own lunch!”

A man walked into an ice cream parlor and asked the attendant for a half-gallon of vanilla, a half-gallon of strawberry and a half-gallon of chocolate ice cream.

“Sorry” said the attendant, “we’re all out of chocolate ice cream.”

“In that case” said the man, “I’ll have a pint of vanilla, a pint of strawberry and a pint of chocolate.”

“I told you we don’t have any chocolate ice cream, buddy” said the attendant, becoming slightly annoyed.

“OK, in that case” said the man, “I’ll have a scoop of vanilla, a scoop of strawberry and a scoop of chocolate.”

“Look, mister, what does the V-A-N in vanilla spell?”

“Van” he replied, “But what does that have to do with ice cream?”

“Never mind, what does the S-T-R-A-W in strawberry spell?”

“Straw” he answered, “But I still don’t understand what this has got to do with my getting the ice cream I want?”

“What does the F-U-C-K in chocolate spell?” asked the attendant.

“Wait a minute” said the man, “there’s no fuck in chocolate!”

“That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you, dick brain. Now get out of my store!”

The man walked up to the counter and said, “Let me have some grits and an RC.”

“You must be from Georgia,” said the guy behind the counter.

“What the hell kinda stereotypical remark is that?” remarked the man. “If I walked in here and asked for a sausage, would you think I was Polish?”

“No,” replied the guy.

“If I walked in here and asked for some Chow Mein, would you think I was Chinese?”

“No.”

“If I walked in here and asked for some pizza, would you think I was Italian?”

“No,” said the guy with a heavy sigh.

“Then why in the hell do you think I’m from Georgia?” said man in an irritated tone.

The guy behind the counter just shook his head and said, “Because this is a hardware store.”

A Jewish man named Moshe opened a Kosher restaurant and put a notice in the window: “ARABS NOT WELCOME”

The next day, an Arab walked in and requested a sandwich. Moshe decided that he really didn’t want to risk causing a scene, so he made the Arab the sandwich but charged him double the price.

The next day the same Arab was back, and this time he ordered a full lunch.

Moshe charged him triple and thought, “Maybe he’ll take the hint this time!”

The Arab ate his lunch, paid without a quibble, praised the food and requested a reservation for 10 of his friends for that same evening.

Moshe decided to book the reservation, but to charge them all tenfold!

That evening, the Arabs came and had a very large dinner. They paid without complaining and even tipped generously.

The next day Moshe put a new sign in the window: “JEWS NOT WELCOME.”

Sitting by the window in her convent, Sister Eulalia opened a letter from home and found a ten dollar bill inside.

As she read the letter she caught sight of a shabbily dressed stranger leaning against a lamppost below. Quickly she wrote, “Don’t despair, Sister Eulalia” on a piece of paper, wrapped the ten dollar bill in it, and dropped it out the window.

The man picked it up, read it, looked at her with a puzzled expression, tipped his hat and went off down the street.

The next day Sister Eulalia was told that a man at the door was insisting on seeing her. To her surprise it was the stranger from the night before. Without a word he handed her a roll of bills.

“What’s this?” she asked.

“That’s the 60 bucks you have coming. Don’t Despair paid five to one.”.

Little Bruce and Jenny were only 10 years old, but they knew they were in love.

One day they decided that they wanted to get married, so Bruce went to Jenny’s father to ask him for her hand.

Bruce bravely walked up to him and said, “Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage.”

Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replied, “Well Bruce, you are only ten. Where will you two live?”

Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replied, “In Jenny’s room. It’s bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely.”

Mr. Smith said with a huge grin, “Okay, then how will you live? You’re not old enough to get a job. You’ll need to support Jenny.”

Again, Bruce instantly replied, “Our allowance, Jenny makes five bucks a week. And I make 10 bucks a week. That’s about 60 bucks a month, so that should do us just fine.”

Mr. Smith was impressed by how much thought Bruce had put into this. “Well Bruce, it seems like you have everything figured out. I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have little children of your own?”

Bruce just shrugged his shoulders and said, “Well, we’ve been lucky so far.”

And now Mr. Smith no longer thinks little Bruce is so cute.

Three little rabbits escaped from a testing lab and found an entire field full of carrots. They ate themselves into a stupor and slept through the night.

The next morning, they found an entire field full of female rabbits with no males in sight.

They had sex throughout the entire day and slept throughout the night.

The next morning, the rabbits got to talking.

“I’m gonna go back to that field of carrots,” said the first one.

“I’m gonna go back to those cute little rabbits,” said the second.

“I’m going back to the lab,” said the third. “I’m dying for a cigarette.”

At the supermarket, Dorothy nervously looked over the oranges with a worried concern.

Noticing her distress, the store manager approached her and asked if everything was alright.

“Well, I was looking for some fruit for my husband,” said Dorothy. “Have these oranges been treated with any poisonous fertilizers or weedkiller?”

“No madam,” remarked the manager, “You’ll have to get that from our ‘Home and Garden’ department.”

At the State Fair a young fellow was watching an old Indian. Above the old Indian was a sign that read: “$5.00 – If I can’t tell you where you’re from, I’ll pay you $50.00!”

Just then, a cowboy approached the Indian and asked, “Is the sign right?”

The Indian said, “yes.”

The cowboy handed him a fiver and said, “you’re on!”

The Indian looked the cowboy up and down, he noticed some cow dung on the cowboy’s boots and flatly stated, “you’re from Wyoming.”

The cowboy shook his head and said, “I’ll be darned! You’re right!” and strolled away.

A second cowboy approached the Indian and went through the same routine. Handing him the fiver, he stood and watched as the Indian looked him up and down before noticing a bit of straw and cow dung on his boots. The Indian said, “you’re from Montana!”

The cowboy, dejected as all get out, walked away.

The young man decided he’s going to give the Indian a run for his money. He went into the men’s room, took off his boots, scrubbed them up, dried them off, and put on a coat of polish. The he went ouside and approached the Indian. He handed the Indian a five-dollar bill and said, “do your stuff!”

The Indian looked and looked, and appeared to be befuddled. The young man was now certain he had gotten one up on the Indian.

The Indian finally said, “You’re from New Zealand!”

The young man was astonished and asked, “How in the world did you know that I’m from New Zealand?”

The Indian replied, “By the wool on your zipper.”

An 80-year old rancher named Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was marrying a “mail order” bride.

Being a good friend, the town sheriff asked Tom if the rumor was true.

Tom assured him that it was.

The sheriff then asked Tom the age of his new bride to be.

Tom proudly said, “She’ll be twenty-one in November.”

Now the sheriff, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year-old man. Wanting his old friend’s remaining years to be happy the sheriff tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course.

Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.

About four months later, the sheriff ran into Tom in town again. “How’s the new wife?” asked the sheriff.

Tom proudly said, “Oh, she’s pregnant.”

The sheriff, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, “And how’s the hired hand?”

Without hesitating, Tom said, “She’s pregnant too.”