Category Archives: Jokes

Murray had just met the woman of his dreams, but he was horribly shy and could never muster the courage to ask her out on a date.

Fortunately his friend Saul had an ingenious solution. “Send her some flowers,” Saul said. “On the card, invite her to your house for a delicious home cooked meal.”

Murray thought that was a wonderful idea, and immediately dialed the florist.

A few days later, Saul asked Murray how it went.

“It was a disaster! A terrible idea!” moaned Murray.

“Why? What happened? Didn’t she accept?” asked Saul.

“Oh she accepted alright,” said Murray, “but when she came over, she refused to cook!”

Donna and Sam were reading the evening paper, when Donna let out a chuckle.

“Get this, Sam,” she said to her husband. “Some guy put an ad in here offering to swap his wife for a season ticket at the stadium! Could you imagine doing anything like that?”

“That’s just crazy,” said Sam. “I would never do something like that!”

“Aww honey,” Donna cooed, “You’re so sweet!”

“Only an idiot would make such an offer,” Sam added. “The season is already half over!”

Excited about her new purchase, the 16 year old girl raced home and tried on her new bikini. She was so thrilled with how it looked that she showed it to her mother.

“Well, what do you think, Mom?” asked the daughter.

Her mother cooly replied, “If I had worn that when I was your age, you would be 5 years older now.”

A nun and a priest were traveling across the desert when the camel they were using for transportation collapsed and died. They set up a make-shift camp, hoping someone would come to their rescue, but to no avail.

After several days of not being rescued, the priest said to the nun, “You know, Sister, I am about to die, and I’ve always wanted to see a naked woman. Would you mind taking off your clothes so I can look at you?”

The nun agreed to take off her clothes, and as she was doing so remarked, “Well, Father, now that I think about it, I’ve never seen a naked man. Would you mind taking off your clothes too?”

With little hesitation, the priest also stripped. Suddenly the nun exclaimed, “Father! What is that little thing hanging between your legs?”

The priest patiently answered, “That, my child, is a gift from God. If I put it in you, it creates a new life.”

“Well forget about me,” responded the nun. “Stick it in that damn camel!”

An old Jewish man was walking along the beach with his only grandson. Suddenly a giant wave crashed into the shore and swept the boy out to sea.

The old man looked up to the heavens and said, “Oh Lord, this is my only grandson, how can you take him away from me like this? My son will not understand. My daughter-in-law will die from grief!”

Another wave crashed into the shore and left the boy at the old man’s feet.

The grandfather looked up to the heavens again and said, “He had a hat!”

Two fellows were sitting in a coffee shop when suddenly the town’s fire alarm went off.

One of the men jumped up and ran for the door. His friend shouted, “I didn’t know you were a fireman!”

His buddy replied, “I’m not, but my girlfriend’s husband is!”

The circus was in town, and the owner walked into a local bar to promote the show and mingle with the townsfolk. He was surprised to find everyone crowded about a table watching a little show of their own.

On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some haggling, they settled on $5000 for the duck and the pot.

The next day the circus owner came back to the bar in anger, “Your duck is a ripoff! I put him on the pot before the whole audience and he didn’t dance a single step!”

“Look, a deal’s a deal, so it’s not my problem anymore,” came the retort of the duck’s former owner, “but did you even bother to light the candle under the pot?”

For their 25th wedding anniversary, the Thompsons took a vacation on a Alaskan cruise ship. Back home, the housekeeper was doing her usual chores when the telephone rang.

“May I speak with Mr. Thompson, please?” requested the caller.

“I’m sorry, but Mr. Thompson is out of town to celebrate his anniversary,” explained the housekeeper.

“Oh, I see,” said the caller. “Then may I speak with Mrs. Thompson?”

A domestic disturbance was in progress. There was yelling, banging and crashing, and blood curdling screams so loud that it woke the neighbors across the street.

One of the neighbors was standing out on her front lawn with her cell phone. The man next door to her approached and said, “I just got ahold of the cops. They’re on their way now.”

Looking down the street she could see the lights on the police cruisers coming towards them. The woman looked at her phone and tapped the button to end her call.

“I’ve been on hold with 9-1-1 for the past 10 minutes,” remarked the woman “How the hell did you get ahold of the police so fast?”

“Easy,” said the man. “I called Dunkin’ Donuts.”

It was a high profile criminal trial in a small town. Jeb Junior was brutally killed in his own barn. The man accused of killing him was on trial for the murder, and the prosecutor finally got him up on the witness stand.

“Did you kill Jeb Junior on the night of April 23rd?” asked the prosecutor point blank.

“No, I did not,” replied the defendant with his eyes looking down.

Suspecting that the witness was lying, the prosecutor asked, “Do you know what the penalties are for perjury?”

“Yes, I do,” said the defendant. “And they’re a hell of a lot better than the penalties for murder.”