A thief pleaded no contest to stealing a car. Giving the man a chance to tell his side of the story, the Judge asked, “So why did you steal the car?”
“I needed it to drive to work,” replied the defendant.
“You could have just taken the bus,” suggested the judge.
“I couldn’t do that,” said the man. “I don’t have a license to drive the bus.”
Being the good father, Little Johnny’s dad would read stories to his son at bedtime.
Nearly an hour had gone by and Johnny’s mother popped her head in the room and asked, “Is he asleep yet?”
“Yes, Finally!” said Little Johnny.
Adolf Hitler was very keen on the occult, so he went to a fortune teller hoping that the woman could tell him how long he would live.
After careful charting, she said, “I can’t predict the exact date of your death, but I do know that you will die on a Jewish holiday.”
“And which holiday will this be?” he asked.
“It does not matter.” she replied. “Any day that you die will be a Jewish Holiday.”
A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counseling came up.
“Oh, we’ll never need that,” said the wife. “We have a great relationship. I was a communications major in college, and he majored in theatre arts.”
The husband added, “That’s right. She communicates well, and I act like I’m listening.”
While taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate.
After an hour-long wait, the plane finally took off.
A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, “What was the problem?”
“The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine,” explained the flight attendant, “and it took us a while to find a new pilot.”
Lisa had a problem. She couldn’t make up her mind about two of her suitors. She decided to try her luck by going to a fortune teller for advice.
“I love both Virgil and Jerry, and they both love me,” explained Lisa. “But I don’t know which one I should marry. Who will be the lucky one?”
The soothsayer gazed into her crystal ball and said, “I can see that you will marry Virgil, and Jerry will be the lucky one.”
A man was walking down the street when suddenly he heard a voice from out of nowhere: “Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you.”
The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him.
Astonished, the man continued walking, and after awhile he was going to cross the road when once again the voice shouted: “Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a car will run over you and you will die.”
The man did as he was instructed, and sure enough, a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.
Looking around him, the man shouted out, “Where are you? Who are you?”
“I am your guardian angel,” the voice answered.
“Oh yeah?” said the man. “And just where were you when I got married?”
As their mother prepared breakfast, the two young brothers were arguing over who should get the first pancake.
Their mother saw it as an opportunity to teach them a moral lesson. “Now boys, if Jesus were sitting here, He would say, ‘I can wait. Let my brother have the first pancake.'”
The 9 year old turned to his younger brother and said, “Did you hear that, Louis? You get to be Jesus today!”
A young man was availed and opportunity to ask a local millionaire how he made his fortune.
The old man leaned back in his chair and said, “Well, son, it was 35 years ago, and I was down to my last nickel. I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents. The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month.”
“So you made your fortune selling apples?”
“No, by then my wife’s father had died and left us two million dollars.”
Mark was very nervous about his doctor’s appointment, and was being very private about it.
When the doctor entered the room, Mark revealed his condition. Apparently his bum had leaves sprouting out of it, and not just any leaves; they were lettuce leaves!
The doctor carefully examined his patient, and after a few moments of poking and prodding he stood up and shook his head.
“Doctor, can you get rid of the lettuce leaves? Will I be alright?” Mark asked pleadingly.
“It’s hard to say,” replied the doctor, “but from what I can tell, it’s just the tip of the iceberg.”
