Category Archives: Jokes

A man went on vacation to Jerusalem with his wife and mother-in-law. While they were there, the mother-in-law died.

The undertaker explained that they could ship the body back home, but that it will cost many thousands of dollars. On the other hand, they could inter her in Jerusalem for much, much less.

The man bluntly replied, “We’ll ship her home.”

The undertaker pressed, “Are you sure? That’s an awfully big expense, and we can do a very nice burial here.”

The man said, “Look, 2000 years ago they buried a guy here and three days later he rose from the dead. That’s a chance I’m just not willing to take.”

One night, a drunk came stumbling into a bar and said to the bartender, “Drinks for all on me, including you, bartender.”

So the bartender poured everyone and himself a round, but then the drunk admitted that he had no money. Incensed by the revelation, the bartender roughed up the drunk and threw him out.

The next night the same drunk came in again and ordered drinks for everyone in the bar including the bartender. Again the bartender poured the drinks, and again the drunk said he didn’t have the money. So the bartender roughed him up worse than before and threw him out.

On the third night the drunk came back and order drinks for everyone except the bartender.

“What, no drink for me?” replied the bartender.

“Absolutely not!” said the drunk. “You get violent when you drink.”

Sophie and Max used to live in New York, but retired to Miami Beach. One afternoon they were getting ready to go out to dinner. Sophie said, “Max, darling, do you want me to wear this Chanel suit or the Gucci?”

Max said, “I don’t care.”

A few minutes later Sophie said, “Max, should I wear my Cartier watch or my Rolex?”

Max said, “Your choice.”

A few more minutes passed and Sophie said, “Max, love, shall I wear my five-carat pearl diamond ring or my six-carat round diamond ring with the baguettes?”

Finally Max said, “Sophie, I really don’t care what you wear, but if you don’t get moving, we’re going to miss the Early Bird Special.”

A flying saucer landed by a gas station on a lonely New Mexican road.

The gas station attendant was stunned, but remained calm. On the side of the space craft were the letters “UFO.” As the little green men emerged from the ship, he cautiously approached them.

“Does that stand for Unidentified Flying Object?” he asked with wonder.

“No,” one of the aliens responded, “It stands for Unleaded Fuel Only.”

It was a quiet day on the Ark and Noah was getting bored. His wife suggested that he relieve the tedium by fishing off the side of the Ark.

“That’s a good idea,” said Noah. “It’s been well over a month and I could use a break.”

Noah collected his fishing gear went off, but thirty minutes later he was back and still complaining that he was bored.

His wife ask, “Then why did you stop fishing after only half an hour?”

Noah replied, “Because I only had two worms.”

As the husband stepped out of the shower he remarked, “It’s too hot to wear clothes today.”

His wife gave a faint smirk and said, “Well you need to put something on if you’re going to get that grass cut today.”

“What do you reckon the neighbors will think if I mow the lawn like this?” he said with open arms.

Without even a glance his wife said, “They will probably think that I married you for your money.”

The man stood in line for what seemed like forever at the bureau of motor vehicles. By the time it was his turn, he had grown rather tired and weary.

He inspected his photo for a moment and commented to the clerk, “I was standing in line so long, I ended up looking pretty grouchy in this picture.”

“That’s okay,” he reassured the man. “It’s how you’re going to look when the cops pull you over anyway.”

The only way to pull off an afternoon “quickie” with their 8-year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities

He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:

“There’s a car being towed from the parking lot,” he shouted.

“An ambulance just drove by!”

“Looks like the Andersons’ have company,” he called out.

“Matt’s riding a new bike!”

“Looks like the Sanders are moving!”

“Jason is on his skate board!”

After a few moments he announced, “The Coopers are having sex!”

Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed! Dad cautiously called out, “How do you know they’re having sex?”

“Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle.”

A man sat crying on the couch in his therapists office.

The psychiatrist consoled his patient and reminded him that that he had been making excellent progress.

“You call this progress?” the man sobbed. “Six months ago, I was Napoleon Bonaparte. Here we are today, and I’m a nobody!”

A well dressed woman walked into a gun shop and asked for help in choosing a rifle. “It’s for my husband,” she said.

“Certainly Ma’am,” said the sales clerk. “Do you know what caliber he prefers?”

“I haven’t the foggiest,” said the woman. “and I doubt he’ll care what caliber it is after I shoot him with it.”