A zookeeper wanted to open a new exhibit and wrote a letter to another zookeeper to ask for a breeding pair of mongoose.
He wrote, “Please send me two mongooses” and then realized that it just didn’t sound right. He tore up the letter and started again.
This time he wrote, “Please send me two mongeese.” Again, this didn’t sound right.
He tore up the letter and started again. “Please send me a mongoose,” he wrote this time, and then he added, “While you’re at it, please send me another one.”
A couple of guys died in a freak accident. When they got to the pearly gates, St.Peter said, “I’m sorry but our computer glitched. We weren’t actually expecting you until next week. Because of this I am going to give you both one week back on earth, but you have to go back as something other than human.”
“I want to be an eagle soaring over the mountains!” said the first fellow.
“No problem,” responded St. Peter.
“I want to be a stud roaming along the Great Plains,” requested the second guy.
“A stud?” asked St. Peter. “Well, OK. Now that we have that in order, I’ll see the two of you in one week.”
After the week was up, St. Peter asked a passing angel, “Did you get those two guys from last week back up here?”
“Well,” said the angel, “We got the first one back. We found him soaring over the Rocky Mountains. Unfortunately we’re having a bit of trouble locating the second guy, but we think he’s somewhere in North Dakota on a snow tire.”
As the plate of food was set before the customer, he noticed the waiter’s thumb was clearly on the steak he had just ordered.
“That’s disgusting” yelled the customer. “What’s with your thumb on my steak?”
“I beg your pardon,” snorted the waiter, “Did you want me to let it fall on the floor again?”
Roy saw his old friend Paul drinking by himself at a bar. They hadn’t seen each other in over a year, and Paul was looking noticeably down.
“Long time no see, Paul,” began Roy. “How are things going?”
Roy looked up at his old friend with sadness in his eyes, and said, “Four months ago, my mother died and left me $10,000.”
“Gee, that’s tough,” Roy replied.
“Then two months ago,” Paul continued, “My father died, leaving me $20,000.”
“Wow. Two parents gone in two months,” Roy commented. “No wonder you look so depressed.”
Pressing on, Paul said, “And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000.”
“Three close family members lost in three months? Paul, I’m so sorry for your loss!”
“Then this month,” sighed Paul, “absolutely nothing!”
Bill and Hillary Clinton were visiting Hillary’s home town of Chicago. Before leaving town, their driver stopped at a service station to fill up the car with gas.
As it turned out, the owner of the station was a former boyfriend of the former first lady. They exchanged their hellos, and went on their way.
As the they pulled out of the station, Bill put his arm around Hillary and said, “Well, honey, if you would had stayed with him, you would be the wife of a service station owner today.”
She smirked and replied, “No, if I had stayed with him, he would have been the President of the United States.”
A visitor from Holland was chatting with his American friend and was jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in the Netherlands flag.
“Our flag symbolizes our taxes,” he said.
“We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bill, and blue after we pay them.”
“That’s the same with us,” the American said, “only we see stars, too.”
Anne was telling Nicole about the new “mirror diet” she was on. “You can eat as much of whatever you want, but you have to do it while standing naked in front of a full length mirror,” she explained.
“Oh, I tried that one,” said Nicole, “but I just couldn’t stand it after the first week!”
“Well, it can be difficult confronting your self image,” remarked Anne.
“No, it wasn’t that,” explained Nicole. “Before I could take a single bite, the restaurant would kick me out!”
While walking through the mall, Tom was stopped by a man with a clipboard.
“I’m taking a survey,” said the man. “Do you think there is too much sex in movies?”
“I’m not sure,” replied Tom. “I get too wrapped up in the film to notice what the rest of the audience is doing.”
A surgeon, an architect, and a politician were arguing about whose profession was the oldest.
The surgeon began, “Eve was made from Adam’s rib, and that surely was a surgical procedure.”
“Maybe,” said the architect, “but prior to that, order was created out of chaos, and that was an architectural job!”
The politician interrupted, “Well who do you think created the chaos in the first place?”
A blonde walked into a lumber yard and and told the clerk she needed some two by fours.
With a nod, the clerk asked, “How long?”
The blonde’s brow furrowed with a worried look of confusion. After thinking about it for a moment, the blonde replied, “A really long time; I’m building a shed.”
