Coming home from his Little League game, Billy swung open the front door very excited. Unable to attend the game, his father immediately wanted to know what happened. “So, how did you do son?” he asked.
“You’ll never believe it!” Billy said. “I was responsible for the winning run!”
“Really? How’d you do that?”
“I dropped the ball.”
After holding out for many years, Charlie’s mother finally got a smart phone. It didn’t take her long to figure out how to text, and within a few days he received a text from his mother that read: “What do IDK, LY & TTYL mean?”
He quickly tapped out the reply, “I don’t know, love you, & talk to you later.”
After a brief pause his mom sent, “Okay, I will ask your sister.”
“I can’t get a good nights sleep!” cried the patient. “Every time I get into bed, I think there’s somebody, or some thing, under it. I feel like I’m going crazy!”
“It would seem you are suffering from a form of clinophobia,” remarked the psychiatrist. “It will take some time, but after three sessions a week for ten weeks, I can cure you of this fear.”
“How much is this going to cost me?”
“Two hundred dollars per visit.”
After doing a mental calculation in his head, the patient said, “I’ll have to think this one over.”
Six months later the psychiatrist bumped into the man on the street and said, “You never came to see me again. Has your condition improved on its own?”
“After I realized your services would cost me $6000, I felt like I needed a drink,” explained the man. “After a couple of stiff rounds, my bartender cured me for less than twenty bucks!”
“Really? How is that so?” asked the doctor.
“He told me to cut the legs off my bed!”
Two young boys were talking to each other on the playground.
The first one said, “My dad works twelve hours a day to give me a nice home and good food. My mom spends the whole day cleaning and cooking for me. I’m worried sick!”
The other kid replied, “What have you got to worry about? Sounds to me like you’ve got it made!”
The first responded, “Yeah, but what if they try to escape?”
It was Martin’s first day bartending, and while he knew how to make the most common cocktails, he had yet to master the local lingo.
“I’ll have a B and C,” requested a brunette taking a seat at the bar.
“Sorry, it’s my first day. What is a B and C?”
“It’s a Bourbon and Coke,” explained the Brunette.
A redhead walked up and said, “I’ll have a G and T.”
Martin looked puzzled and asked, “And what is a G and T?”
“It’s a gin and tonic,” explained the redhead.
A blonde sitting at the end of the bar shouted, “Hey bartender! Gimme a 15!”
Martin had no idea and asked, “What is a 15?”
“Do the math!” said the blonde. “It’s a 7 and 7.”
Two old men were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress.
One turned to the other and said, “This town is getting to be so boring. For $5.00, I’d take off my clothes and streak through the flower show!”
Holding up five dollars, the other old fellow said, “You’re on!”
As fast as he could, the first old man fumbled his way out of his clothes and ran completely naked through the front door of the town hall.
A huge commotion could be heard coming from inside the hall, followed by a loud applause. The streaker burst out through the door surrounded by a cheering crowd.
“Wow, what happened?” asked his friend.
With a big grin, the old man said, “I won first prize for dried arrangement!”
The vehicle was clearly going well above the speed limit when the state trooper decided to pull over the driver.
Hoping to get off with a warning, the woman tried to appear shocked when the police officer walked up to her car.
“In all my life, I have never been stopped like this before,” she said to the officer with an indignant tone.
“What do they usually do, ma’am,” he asked, “shoot the tires out?”
On a whim, Jennifer decided to purchase the flight insurance at the ticket counter. She had some time before her flight’s departure, so she stopped at a Chinese restaurant in the concourse.
Everything seemed well until she read her fortune cookie: “Today’s investment will pay big dividends!”
An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. “You don’t want to try these techniques at home.”
“Why not?” asked an attendee.
“I watched my wife’s routine at making breakfast for years,” the expert explained. “She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, ‘Hon, why don’t you try carrying multiple things at once?'”
“Did it save time?” the attendee asked.
“Actually, yes,” replied the expert. “It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven.”
A recently retired couple in their late 60’s were visited by a magic fairy who granted them each one wish.
“I want to travel around the world with my husband”, said the wife.
Just then two tickets for a luxury cruise magically appeared in her hand.
With a daring grin, the husband said, “I wish my wife was 30 years younger than me.”
And with that, the magic fairy waved her wand and transformed the husband into a 97 year old man.
