Category Archives: Jokes

Two yogurts walk into a bar.

The bartender said to them, “We don’t serve your kind in here!”

“Why not?” one of the yogurts replied. “We’re cultured individuals.”

After answering the phone, Father Murphy was surprised to learn he was speaking with an IRS tax auditor.

“This is a church, and we are exempt from paying taxes,” the priest remarked.

“We are not interested your church,” explained the auditor. “One of your parishioners, Harold Bixby, indicated that he gave a $15,000 donation to the church last year. Can you verify if this is the truth?”

The priest smiled and said, “The check hasn’t arrived yet, but I’m sure I’ll have it when I remind dear Harold.”

An old truck driver was eating at a truck stop when three large bikers walked in.

The first biker pushed his cigarette into the old man’s pie and then took a seat at the counter.

The second spit in the old man’s coffee and took a seat at the counter.

The third turned over the old man’s plate and took a seat at the counter.

Without a muttering word, the old man got up from his seat and quietly left the diner.

One of the bikers remarked to the waitress, “Not much of a man, was he!”

The waitress replied, “Not much of a truck driver either. He just drove his semi over your motorcycles!”

Fred noticed his neighbor, Justin, had not been going in to work and decided to mention it to him.

“I got fired,” Justin stated matter-of-factly.

“Fired?” remarked Fred, “Why did they fire you?”

Justin explained, “You know how the boss always stands around watching people but never doing anything?”

Fred chuckled, “Yeah, I know. Did you say something about it, and it pissed him off?”

“Well no,” sighed Justin. “People around the shop started thinking I was the boss.”

While waiting in the reception area of her new dentist, Mary noticed the doctor’s full name. She suddenly realized it was the same name as a boy she went to high school with over 20 years ago.

Of course all those years had taken their toll, because the young boy was now a middle aged man who no longer resembled his younger self.

After the exam, Mary asked him which high school he attended and the year he graduated. He told her and she exclaimed, “I knew it! You were in my class!”

He looked closely at Mary before asking, “What did you teach?”

A man came home from an exhausting day of work, plopped down on the couch in front of the television, and told his wife, “Get me a beer before it starts.”

The wife sighed and got him a beer.

Ten minutes later, he said, “Can you get me another beer before it starts?”

She started getting cross, fetched another beer, and slammed it down next to him.

After another 10 minutes, he finished his beer and said, “Quick, get me another beer; it’s going to start any minute now.”

The wife was furious. She yelled at him “Is that all you’re going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You’re nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore…”

The man sighed, “And so it starts.”

A young man was pushing a screaming, bellowing baby in the cart at the supermarket.

The man kept repeating softly, “Don’t get excited, Albert. Albert, don’t scream. It’s no good yelling, Albert. We’ll be home soon, Albert. Albert, keep calm.”

An observant woman approached the young man and said, “You certainly are to be commended for showing such patience with little Albert.”

The man rolled his eyes at the woman and said, “Lady, the kid’s name is Charlie. I’m Albert.”

A mathematician, an accountant, and an economist were all vying for the same job.

The interviewer called in the mathematician and asked “What does two plus two equal?”

The mathematician replied “That’s easy. Two plus two equals exactly four.”

Next the interviewer called in the accountant and asked the same question.

The accountant explained “Typically four, give or take ten percent, but on average, two plus two is about four.”

Finally the interviewer called in the economist and posed the same question, “What does two plus two equal?”

The economist got up, locked the door, closed the shades, and sat down next to the interviewer before asking, “What do you want it to equal?”

A contractor was speaking with a client about painting some offices she had on the third floor.

“In this area of the office,” the client instructed, “I would like a pale blue.”

The contractor wrote it down, then went to the window, opened it, and yelled, “Green side up!”

In the second room, she told the contractor, “I’d like this office area painted in a soft yellow.”

He wrote this on his pad, walked to the window, opened it, and again yelled “Green side up!”

The client was curious, but said nothing.

In the third area, the client said, “I would like this area painted a warm rose color.”

As had been done the previous two times, the contractor wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it, and yelled, “Green side up!”

Unable to contain her curiosity, the client then asked, “Why do you keep yelling ‘Green side up’?”

“Oh, I’m sorry about that, Ma’am,” replied the contractor. “I currently have a crew of blondes laying sod out front.”

While touring the university grounds, a visitor paused to admire the new Hemingway Hall that had been built on campus.

“I absolutely love Ernest Hemingway,” said the prospective student. “Can you tell me the connection between him and the University?”

“Actually,” noted the guide, “it’s named for Joshua Hemingway. No relation.”

A little let down, the young student asked, “Was Joshua Hemingway also a writer?”

“Yes, indeed,” explained the guide. “He wrote a check.”