Category Archives: Jokes

It was a May-December marriage, and as the old man climbed in to bed for the first time with his new bride, he asked, “Did your mother tell you what to do on your wedding night?”
“Yes,” she cooed, kissing him lightly, “She told me everything.”
“Good,” said the elderly gentleman as he turned out the light, “because I’ve forgotten.”

To wrap up “PUN WEEK”, I’m going out with another one of MoonShadow’s contributions. Thanks for watching, and we’ll be back on Monday with your regularly scheduled jokes.
Once upon a time a man owned several small dolphins that he kept in a large pool in his back yard. Now these were no ordinary dolphins you see, because as long as the man fed them fresh seagulls every day, the little dolphins would never age and die. So the man made his daily trek down a long narrow path to the beach where he captured the birds.
That same day a lion escaped from the local zoo when one of the keepers forgot to close the gate. Now this was a very old lion, and he really wasn’t very ferocious at all. As he wandered about, he found himself going down a long narrow path and decided he needed to rest, so the aged king of the jungle laid down to take a nap.
Meanwhile the man was returning down the same path with the birds he needed to feed his dolphins when he happened upon the sleeping lion sprawled out across the path. At first the man was frightened but then he realized this was a very old and worn out beast. There was no way to go around, so the man decided to just step over the cat. As he did, Federal agents jumped out from behind the bushes and arrested the man.
The charge?
Transporting Gulls Across a Staid Lion For Immortal Porpoises.

Ms. Patricia Whack was working in her office at the bank when her next client was seen in. Much to her surprise it was an outlandishly dressed frog in striped spandex.
She began the meeting by asking, “Well, how can we help you today Mr… um…”
“Kermit,” said the frog. “My name is Kermit Jagger.”
“Ah yes… What can we do for you Mr. Jagger?”
“I need to borrow $50,000.”
“Well that is a lot of money… Do you have an account with us, Kermit?”
“No, but I have this,” said the frog as he reached into his pocket and presented a small porcelain elephant to Ms. Whack.
Taken aback by this, Patricia excused herself and explained that she needed to check with the bank’s manager.
She went to her manager’s office and explained the whole thing and showed him the porcelain figurine. “I’m not really sure to make of this,” she said.
The manager replied, “It’s a nick-knack Patty Whack, give the frog a loan. His old man’s a Rolling Stone!”

A mad scientist was feeling kind of lonely in his laboratory, so he decided to create a clone of himself to keep him company. His creation was mostly a success, but the clone had a very foul mouth, and it greatly disturbed the mad creator.
One day they went into town to get groceries at the store. Upon entering the store the clone let out a slew of epithets and profanities that would make a sailor wince. The embarrassed scientist spun around and forcefully shoved the clone out the door where he tumbled into the street.
A passing police officer saw this and immediately arrested the mad scientist.
The charge?
Making an obscene clone fall.

Driving to work, a gentleman had to swerve to avoid a box that fell out of a truck in front of him.
A nearby cop pulled him over, suspecting the man of drinking and driving. The man pointed out the carton in the road and explained that it was the reason for his swerving.
The policemen stopped traffic and recovered the box. Inside the container were thousands of large upholstery tacks.
“I’m sorry sir,” the first trooper told the driver, “but it looks like I have to place you under arrest.”
Dumbfounded, the driver asked, “For what?”
The trooper replied, “Tacks evasion.”

If you’re a regular viewer, we have a treat in store for you this week… Or maybe not… It’s “PUN WEEK” here at Flush Twice! To kick it off, I’m going to tell you my favorite one, and I’ll let you decide if you want to stick around for the rest of the week, because they aren’t going to get any better as the days press on. 😉

So back in the good ol’ days of Bulletin Board Systems (BBS) and 300 baud modems, somebody calling herself “MoonShadow” posted this in a forum. I’ve finally decided to post it here in its entirety. Yes… It has three parts, and kinda goes against my no shaggy dogs policy because it is very long, but anyway… Here it is:
A while back, there were two kingdoms situated close by each other. One kingdom had a powerful king, and the other had a relatively weak king. The difference (or so everybody said) was that the powerful king had a magic throne, which had the property of making people powerful.
Well, the weak king wanted this throne, so he had a trusted count get up an army (you know, knights, pages, reporters, that kind of thing) to fetch it. The army trudged along for a day or two (only the reporters would know for sure) and came upon the powerful king’s castle.
The castle entrance was guarded by a huge yellow monster with huge yellow hands. The army (being an army and all) attacked!
The huge Yellow Monster ate them all, except for two pages who did not engage in the fight. The pages, being very frightened, hid until nightfall.
When night came along, the pages peeked from their hiding place and saw that the monster was asleep. The only thing guarding the entrance now was the monsters huge hands draped in front of the opening. The pages, being only 8 years old and all, were able to squeeze through the yellow fingers and gain entrance into the castle.

Moral: Let your pages do the walking through the yellow fingers.

Once inside the castle, the pages had no trouble finding the throne. Combined, they were just strong enough to lift it, and were able to carry it out of the castle. (The monster gave them no further trouble, since they had the throne and everything.)
After having walked half the night with the heavy throne between them, they were very tired and stopped at a grass house to rest. The farmer who lived there, wanting to steal the throne for himself, let them spend the night in the barn. The throne was “hid” in the farmer’s attic.
Some hours later, the farmer stole into his barn and killed the pages.
The farmer went back to bed. A few minutes later, the throne crashed through the ceiling, crushing and killing the farmer and his wife.

Moral: People who live in grass houses shouldn’t stow thrones.

When the powerful king found his throne missing the next day, he ordered HIS army to kidnap the other king’s count and force him to tell where the throne was being hid. The session went as follows:
King:
Where is the throne?
Count:
I cannot tell you.
King:
Then I will have you killed! Executioner, cut off his head!
Count: (as the axe is swinging down…) OK! I will tell you!
THWACK!!!

Moral: Don’t hatchet your counts before they chicken.

And there you have it… My Favorite “Punny Story”

Two factory workers were at the bar having a drink after work.
George starts out, “Hey Paul, ever notice those new kids at the plant always talk about basketball?”
“Yeah, Rick. Young people like to play hoops.”
“And did you ever notice us seasoned veterans always talk about football?”
“It’s a great game, Rick.”
“But then our middle management seems to be fond of talking about baseball.”
“Uh-huh,” says George. “They really get into that.”
Rick continues, “Of course the upper management is always talking about golf…”
“Well they play together every weekend, Rick. What’s your point?” asks George.
“Maybe it’s just be, but the higher you are in this company, the smaller your balls.”

The owner of a medium sized factory was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.
He called her into his office and said to her, “You graduated from college, didn’t you? I need some help.”
“Sure, boss, I’ll do what I can,” she said seductively.
He continued, “If I was to give you $20,000 minus 14%, how much would you take off?”
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, “Everything but my earrings.”

The was a man named George who got a new job. His fellow employees always met for a round of golf every Saturday. They asked George to meet them at 10 o’clock Saturday morning. George replied that he would love to meet them, but he may be 10 minutes late.
On Saturday morning George was there at exactly 10:00. He golfed right handed and won the round.
Next Saturday rolls around, and George says that he will be there, but he may be 10 minutes late again. He shows up right on time, golfs left handed, and wins the round. This continues for the next few weeks, with George always saying that he may be 10 minutes late, and then always showing up on time and winning the round golfing, either left or right handed.
The other employees are getting tired of this, and decided to ask him what the deal was. They said, “George, every Saturday you say you may be ten minutes late. You never are. Then you show up and golf with either right handed or left handed, and always win. What is up with that?”
George replies, “Well, I am a very superstitious kind of guy. Every Saturday when I wake up, I look over at my wife. If she is sleeping on her left side, I golf left handed. If she is sleeping on her right side, I golf right handed.”
“Well,” one of the employees questioned, “What happens if she is laying on her back?” George replies, “If that’s the case, I’ll actually be 10 minutes late.”

Two guys are talking in a bar.
“I came home early last night and caught my wife having sex with my best friend in our bed!”
“What did you do?”
“I grabbed my wife by the hair and said ‘that’s it, you’re outta here’ and threw her out of the house.”
“What did you do to your best friend?”
“I shook my finger at him and yelled ‘bad dog! bad dog!'”