A Staff Sergeant was addressing his squad and said, “I have a nice easy job for the laziest man here. Put up your hand if you are the laziest.”
Seven men raised their hands, and the Staff Sergeant asked the remaining troop, “So why aren’t you raising your hand?”
To which the soldier replied, “It just seemed like too much trouble, Sergeant.”
As Wendy put on her daily makeup, she gave herself a playful, sultry glance in the mirror and said, “Mirror, mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Suddenly, the mirror replied, “How the hell should I know? Your fat ass keeps blocking my view!”
A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
“You’ll get your chance in court.” said the Desk Sergeant.
“No, no no!” said the man. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I’ve been trying to do that for years!”
An usher at a movie theater noticed a customer laying across three seats near the back of the theater. He told the customer that he can only take up one seat.
The customer just moaned and rolled his eyes.
The usher went to get his supervisor who came back and told the customer he must only take one seat or he will call the police.
Once again the customer just moaned and rolled his eyes.
The supervisor called the police, who came and told the customer that he has been told by the usher and the manager to sit up and that he can only take up one seat. “What’s wrong with you?” they ask.
The customer just moaned and rolled his eyes.
Scratching his head, the police officer then asked the man “Where did you come from?”
Slowly the man lifted a hand in the air, and said “The balcony.”
John asked his wife, Mary, what she wanted to celebrate their 40th wedding anniversary.
“Would you like a new Mink Coat?” he asked.
“Not really,” replied Mary.
“Well how about a new Mercedes sports car?” said John.
“No,” she responded.
“What about a new vacation home in the country?” he suggested.
Again she rejected his offer with a, “No thanks.”
Frustrated he finally asked, “Well what would you like for your anniversary?”
“John, I’d like a divorce,” answered Mary.
John thought for a moment and replied “Sorry dear, I wasn’t planning to spend that much.”
Three guys began work as salesmen for a toothbrush company.
Every day, Larry and Curly sold about twenty toothbrushes each, but Moe consistently sold at least two hundred.
Of course Larry and Curly were jealous, and wanted to know Moe’s secret.
One day, they ran into Moe at the mall, where he had set up a chips and dip sample table.
“This is your secret?” said Larry.
“Why don’t you try some dip?” asked Moe.
They both took a little bit of dip.
“Blech!” exclaimed Curly. “This tastes like shit!”
“It is shit.” said Moe. “Would you like to buy a toothbrush?”
Here are 8 things we know by watching movies:
A man called his wife into the bedroom and said, “I want to show you the new watch I got today.”
So she went into the room and found him with his pants around his ankles.
“That’s not a watch!” she said in an annoyed tone.
“Well sure it is,” he insisted. “You just need to put two hands and a face on it.”
John O’Reilly hoisted his beer and said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!”
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, “I won the prize for the best toast of the night.”
She said, “Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?”
John said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.”
“Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!” Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John’s drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, “John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.”
She said, “Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You know, he’s only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.”
Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom!
When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. “Miss Beatrice”, he said, “I wonder if you would tell me about this?” pointing to the bowl.
“Oh, yes” she replied, “isn’t it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven’t had the flu all winter!”
