Category Archives: Jokes

Jesus was hanging from the cross and he called out to Peter, “Peter, I need to see you.”

Peter tried to get to the cross but the Roman soldiers fought him back.

Jesus again said, “Peter, please come here. I want to tell you something.”

Again Peter tried to fight his way through the guards but once again they stopped him.

One more time, Jesus said, “Peter, please, I need to tell you something.”

This time, Peter mustered up all of his strength, managed to get past the guards, went up to the cross and said, “Yes my Lord, what do you want to tell me.”

Jesus replied, “I can see your house from up here.”

After a few too many mixed drinks, a rather generously proportioned woman climbed onto one of the tables at the bar and started dancing.

Nearby, an equally inebriated man was watching in amazement. “Those legs are amazing!” he exclaimed.

“Do you really think so?” the woman giggled as she danced.

“Absolutely,” he replied. “Any other table would have collapsed by now!”

Two eight-year-old boys played in a vacant lot every day, and across the street was a brothel. Day after day they saw men go up, knock on the door, go in, and eventually come out happy and smiling.

One day they became curious and decided to see what was going on. The madam answered the door, looked down at the boys, and asked what they wanted.

They explained what they saw, and told her that they were curious as to what goes on inside. The Madam thought for a moment, shrugged, and said, “Do you have 5 dollars?”

Both boys dug deep into their pockets but only came up with a total of 50¢.

She said, “OK, that will have to do,” as she proceeded to lift her skirt and pull down her panties. She told both boys to take a sniff, which they did. After which she closed the door, and the kids went on their way home.

About halfway down the block one boy turned to the other and said, “Ya know Joey, I don’t think I coulda stood 5 dollars worth of that.”

Big Bad Bart walked into a bar. He was a rather large, menacing guy. He ordered a beer, chugged it back, and then bellowed, “All you guys on this side of the bar are cocksuckers!”

A sudden silence descended. After a brief pause, he added, “Anyone got a problem with that?” The silence deepened.

Bart chugged back another beer and growled, “And all you guys on this side of the bar are motherfuckers!”

Once again, the bar was silent. He scowled at them belligerently and roared, “Anyone got a problem with that?”

A lone man got up from his stool and started walking towards Big Bad Bart.

Bart looked the man square in the eye and said, “You got a problem, buddy?”

“Oh no,” insisted the man. “I’m just on the wrong side of the bar.

In a small town in the old country the Rabbi died.

His widow was so disconsolate that the people of the town decided that she ought to get married again. But the town was so small that the only eligible bachelor was the town butcher.

The poor widow was somewhat dismayed because she had been wed to a scholar, and the butcher had no great formal education. However, she agreed and they were married.

After the marriage on Friday, they went to the temple. Then home to prepare to light the candles. The butcher leaned over to her and said, “My mother told me that after the Friday services, and before lighting the candles, it’s expected the couple have sex.”

So they did.

That night after dinner she lit the candles. He leaned over again and said, “My father told me that after lighting the candles it’s good to have sex.”

So they did.

They went to bed after prayers.

When they awoke, he said to her, “My grandmother said that before you go to the synagogue, you are expected to have sex.

So they did.

After praying all day, they came home to rest, and again he whispers in her ear, “My grandfather says that after praying it’s a custom to have sex.”

So they did.

The next day, she went out to shop for food and met a friend who asked, “So how is the new husband?

She replied, “Well, he’s no scholar, but he comes from a wonderful family!”

A city boy wanted to marry a country girl. She insisted that he ask her father for her hand in marriage, so off he went to the farm.

“I want to marry your daughter, sir,” he politely informed the farmer.

“Well, my boy, you will have to prove to me that you are a man worthy of my daughter,” challenged the farmer

“I’ll do anything for my love,” replied the young man.

“You see that cow out in the pasture? Well go screw it.”

A little puzzled the young man sighed, “OK, anything for my love.”

After mounting the cow, the boy came back and asked, “Now may I marry your daughter?”

“Nope.” replied the farmer, “See that goat over yonder? Well, go screw it.”

After defiling the goat, the lad returned, “Now can I marry your daughter?”

“Not yet. You see that pig in the sty? Well hop to it.”

Once again he complied and returned.

The farmer is amazed at seeing this boy following through with these deeds just to marry his daughter, and tells the city boy, “Now you may marry my daughter.”

The young man replied, “To hell with your daughter! How much for that pig?”

An eligible bachelor took his new date to a fancy restaurant to impress her.

She ordered only the most expensive items on the menu: caviar, filet mignon, lobster, and even Champagne.

Taken aback, the man asked, “Does your father buy you things like this when your family has dinner out?”

She replied with a smile, “No, but then, Father’s not expecting a blow job later, either!”

Without hesitation, he mentioned, “Don’t forget to order your dessert as well.”

An elderly couple was sitting on the out porch when the husband turned to his wife and, “Muffin, I feel like making love tonight.”

The wife replied, “Ok Ernest, I will let you, but be gentle this time.”

“But I am always gentle with you, dearest!”

“That’s not true, she replied, “the last time you woke me up TWICE!”

Two very nervous men got to talking in the doctor’s waiting room.

They discovered they had similar symptoms: one had a red ring around the base of his penis and the other one had a green ring.

The fellow with the red ring was examined first.

In a few minutes he came out, all smiles, and said, “Don’t worry, man, it’s nothing.”

Vastly relived, the second man went into the examining room, only to be told a few minutes later by the doctor, “I’m sorry, but you have an advanced case of VD. I’m afraid you’ll have to be castrated.”

Turning white, the young man gasped, “But the first guy… He said it was no big deal!”

“Well, you know,” said the doctor, “there’s a big difference between gangrene and lipstick.”

A man got on the bus with both of his front trouser pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a blonde.

The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

Finally, after many glances from her, the man broke the ice and said, “It’s golf balls.”

Unable to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked, “Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?”