Author Archives: f2x

Two explorers camped in the heart of the jungle. The first one started to talk about what drew him to the expedition.

“I came here because the urge to travel is in my blood. City life bored me, and the smell of exhaust fumes on the highways made me sick. I wanted to see the sunrise over new horizons and hear the flutter of birds that never had been seen by man. I wanted to leave my footprints on sand unmarked before I came. In short, I wanted to see nature in the raw. What about you?”

The second man replied, “I came because my son was taking saxophone lessons.”

A preacher arrived at his church one morning to discover a dead donkey in the churchyard. He immediately called the police. Since there did not appear to be any foul play, the police referred the preacher to the health department.

The health department said since there was no immediate health threat, he should call the sanitation department.

The sanitation manager said he could not pick up the beast without prior authorization from the mayor.

Now, the preacher knew the mayor, and was not to eager to call him. The mayor had a bad temper and was generally hard to deal with, but the preacher called him anyway.

Immediately, the mayor began to rant and rave at the pastor and finally said, “Why did you call me anyway? Isn’t it your job to bury the dead?”

The preacher took a deep break the compose himself and said, “Yes, Mayor, it is my job to bury the dead, but I always like to notify the next of kin first!”

A zookeeper wanted to open a new exhibit and wrote a letter to another zookeeper to ask for a breeding pair of mongoose.

He wrote, “Please send me two mongooses” and then realized that it just didn’t sound right. He tore up the letter and started again.

This time he wrote, “Please send me two mongeese.” Again, this didn’t sound right.

He tore up the letter and started again. “Please send me a mongoose,” he wrote this time, and then he added, “While you’re at it, please send me another one.”

A couple of guys died in a freak accident. When they got to the pearly gates, St.Peter said, “I’m sorry but our computer glitched. We weren’t actually expecting you until next week. Because of this I am going to give you both one week back on earth, but you have to go back as something other than human.”

“I want to be an eagle soaring over the mountains!” said the first fellow.

“No problem,” responded St. Peter.

“I want to be a stud roaming along the Great Plains,” requested the second guy.

“A stud?” asked St. Peter. “Well, OK. Now that we have that in order, I’ll see the two of you in one week.”

After the week was up, St. Peter asked a passing angel, “Did you get those two guys from last week back up here?”

“Well,” said the angel, “We got the first one back. We found him soaring over the Rocky Mountains. Unfortunately we’re having a bit of trouble locating the second guy, but we think he’s somewhere in North Dakota on a snow tire.”

As the plate of food was set before the customer, he noticed the waiter’s thumb was clearly on the steak he had just ordered.

“That’s disgusting” yelled the customer. “What’s with your thumb on my steak?”

“I beg your pardon,” snorted the waiter, “Did you want me to let it fall on the floor again?”

Roy saw his old friend Paul drinking by himself at a bar. They hadn’t seen each other in over a year, and Paul was looking noticeably down.

“Long time no see, Paul,” began Roy. “How are things going?”

Roy looked up at his old friend with sadness in his eyes, and said, “Four months ago, my mother died and left me $10,000.”

“Gee, that’s tough,” Roy replied.

“Then two months ago,” Paul continued, “My father died, leaving me $20,000.”

“Wow. Two parents gone in two months,” Roy commented. “No wonder you look so depressed.”

Pressing on, Paul said, “And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000.”

“Three close family members lost in three months? Paul, I’m so sorry for your loss!”

“Then this month,” sighed Paul, “absolutely nothing!”

Bill and Hillary Clinton were visiting Hillary’s home town of Chicago. Before leaving town, their driver stopped at a service station to fill up the car with gas.

As it turned out, the owner of the station was a former boyfriend of the former first lady. They exchanged their hellos, and went on their way.

As the they pulled out of the station, Bill put his arm around Hillary and said, “Well, honey, if you would had stayed with him, you would be the wife of a service station owner today.”

She smirked and replied, “No, if I had stayed with him, he would have been the President of the United States.”