Author Archives: f2x

A Perfect Little Story

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There was a perfect man who met a perfect woman. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve this perfect couple was driving along a winding road when they noticed someone at the roadside in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.

There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident.

Only one of them survived the accident. Who was the survivor?

FEMALE ANSWER: The perfect woman. She’s the only one that really existed in the first place, because everyone knows there is no such thing as Santa Claus or the perfect man.

MALE ANSWER: So, if there is no perfect man or Santa, the perfect woman must have been driving, which explains why there was a car accident in the first place.

Sunday, December 23, 2018

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Merry Christmas

First, let’s get this annual issue out of the way. I say “Merry Christmas” because that’s what I’ve always said, and I’m old enough to have been saying it long before certain groups started imagining themselves to being persecuted for it. Whoever invented this notion that there is an armed conflict surrounding this specific holiday within the confines of western nations is a master at devilry.

I resent people who use the phrase as a divisive political tool in determining who is going on their naughty list. It’s not exactly a Christian thing to do. Being a Christian myself, I am offended by the use of my religious beliefs to forward your political agenda. You can bet your malevolent ass, I’ll be standing at that gate to testify that you are not a Christian if you do this. You are perverting the teachings of Christ, and you will answer for this on your judgement day.

As for the rest of you, I do wish you and yours a very merry Christmas. May your new year dreams come true.

New Header

I sprung it a little early this year, but the new header image for the website is in place. There has been a few subtle changes in the character designs over the past year, and I wanted to be sure the Header represented the look of the latest comics. I also decreased the height of the header from 200 to 150 pixels. I think it looks pretty good.

The logo text saw some changes as well. First, I updated my font, and I wanted to show it off in the logo. Next I mentioned the comic’s title since I differentiated it from the title of the site a while back. Finally, I specified which days had jokes. As usual, I kept the “Once for the bulk…” phrase, but this might be the last year I keep it.

I also changed the site’s tagline to just, “Jokes and Comics”.

Kudos and Promos

Thanks to George, who selflessly provides the jokes in his emails to me every week. But why should George do all the work? Submit jokes to Flush Twice! You can use our submission page, or send an email to flush2x@gmail.com.

It’s not too late to get your FREE Flush Twice T-Shirt. It’s a shirt! To get one, click on this link and follow the instructions: Gimme my FREE T-Shirt! (Limit one T-Shirt per household, and I reserve the right to refuse your request if I suspect bad faith.)

Pax,

-f2x

The Explorers

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Two explorers camped in the heart of the jungle. The first one started to talk about what drew him to the expedition.

“I came here because the urge to travel is in my blood. City life bored me, and the smell of exhaust fumes on the highways made me sick. I wanted to see the sunrise over new horizons and hear the flutter of birds that never had been seen by man. I wanted to leave my footprints on sand unmarked before I came. In short, I wanted to see nature in the raw. What about you?”

The second man replied, “I came because my son was taking saxophone lessons.”

Dead Donkey

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A preacher arrived at his church one morning to discover a dead donkey in the churchyard. He immediately called the police. Since there did not appear to be any foul play, the police referred the preacher to the health department.

The health department said since there was no immediate health threat, he should call the sanitation department.

The sanitation manager said he could not pick up the beast without prior authorization from the mayor.

Now, the preacher knew the mayor, and was not to eager to call him. The mayor had a bad temper and was generally hard to deal with, but the preacher called him anyway.

Immediately, the mayor began to rant and rave at the pastor and finally said, “Why did you call me anyway? Isn’t it your job to bury the dead?”

The preacher took a deep break the compose himself and said, “Yes, Mayor, it is my job to bury the dead, but I always like to notify the next of kin first!”

The Zookeeper’s Request

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A zookeeper wanted to open a new exhibit and wrote a letter to another zookeeper to ask for a breeding pair of mongoose.

He wrote, “Please send me two mongooses” and then realized that it just didn’t sound right. He tore up the letter and started again.

This time he wrote, “Please send me two mongeese.” Again, this didn’t sound right.

He tore up the letter and started again. “Please send me a mongoose,” he wrote this time, and then he added, “While you’re at it, please send me another one.”

Waiting for Heaven

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A couple of guys died in a freak accident. When they got to the pearly gates, St.Peter said, “I’m sorry but our computer glitched. We weren’t actually expecting you until next week. Because of this I am going to give you both one week back on earth, but you have to go back as something other than human.”

“I want to be an eagle soaring over the mountains!” said the first fellow.

“No problem,” responded St. Peter.

“I want to be a stud roaming along the Great Plains,” requested the second guy.

“A stud?” asked St. Peter. “Well, OK. Now that we have that in order, I’ll see the two of you in one week.”

After the week was up, St. Peter asked a passing angel, “Did you get those two guys from last week back up here?”

“Well,” said the angel, “We got the first one back. We found him soaring over the Rocky Mountains. Unfortunately we’re having a bit of trouble locating the second guy, but we think he’s somewhere in North Dakota on a snow tire.”

Steak Server

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As the plate of food was set before the customer, he noticed the waiter’s thumb was clearly on the steak he had just ordered.

“That’s disgusting” yelled the customer. “What’s with your thumb on my steak?”

“I beg your pardon,” snorted the waiter, “Did you want me to let it fall on the floor again?”

Sunday, December 16, 2018

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Foggy Metrics

I’m still disappointed with the stat program on the back end. I want to know how many people visit the site, and generally where they are from. It’s not for advertising or marketing purposes. It’s not for super secret squirrel stuff either. I’d just like to know how many people are visiting.

Unfortunately my old nemesis, the bots, are back at it again. WP Statistics implies that their plugin can detect bots. After getting suspicious about the so called “visitors”, I did a simple “whois” on the IP addresses and found that most of them are coming from hosting companies.

Visits from hosting companies does not necessarily indicate that it’s a bot. The user might be employing a proxy or VPN. I myself use a VPN from time to time, so perhaps others are using them as well… Except when checking IP address owners, nearly ALL of them are from hosting providers.

I seriously doubt that over 90% of you are using a VPN, therefore you may consider that visitor count in the sidebar to be complete and utter fiction. And honestly I don’t know how many of you are real people visiting this site. Other than the middle aged dork from Dayton, I’m not sure that any people ever see this site.

To further enhance my depressing undertones, I posted this week’s comic to reddit yesterday. Compared to last week’s, it was practically ignored. My best guess is around 7 people voted with 2 downvotes and 5 upvotes. That garnered me 3 imaginary internet points with a 60% approval rating. What a way to kick off the new story arc.

So why am I ranting about it? Because why not? It’s not like any people are coming to the site to read this. Besides, according to the section title, it’s suppose to be a rant.

OK, so after getting all that off my chest, I feel better. Of course the tequila is helping a little bit too. Tune in next week when I discuss the pros and cons of giving your loved ones shitty Christmas presents.

Kudos and Promos

Another shout out for George, who generously emailed me the jokes that we’re reading this week. If you would like to Submit jokes to Flush Twice, please try our submission page, or send an email to flush2x@gmail.com.

FREE Flush Twice T-Shirts are still available. I will happily mail you a shirt! The instructions are in the e-mail link: Gimme my FREE T-Shirt! (Limit one T-Shirt per household, and I reserve the right to refuse your request if I suspect bad faith.)

Pax,

-f2x