Author Archives: f2x

Mother Theresa died and went to heaven. Saint Peter was waiting at the gate. He welcomed her and gave her a small golden halo to wear. She put it on and stepped into heaven.
Saint Peter was showing her around and introducing her to people when she looked over and saw Princess Diana. Princess Di had a huge halo, much bigger than hers, and it’s encrusted with jewels.
Mother Theresa looked at St. Peter and said “Excuse me, but why is her halo so much larger than mine? I worked my entire life to make the world a better place. I cared for the poor, healed the sick, and fed the starving. I was practically a saint. She does a little bit of charity work for a few years, and she gets that fancy halo and I get this little thing?”
Saint Peter leaned in and whispered “That’s not a halo. That’s her steering wheel.”

A man finally goes with his wife to church, after promising her for weeks that he’d go. Surprisingly, the man was so impressed with the preacher’s sermon he stopped on the way out to shake his hand.
“Preacher, I’ll tell you, that was a damn fine sermon.”
The preacher winced and said, “Why thank you sir, but we don’t used profanity in the house of the Lord.”
Not getting the hint, the man replied, “But seriously, I’m not a religious man, but that was the best damn sermon I ever heard.”
The preacher was getting a little miffed and retorted, “Sir, while I appreciate what you’re trying to say, I must be blunt: Do not use curse words in the Lord’s house again.”
Realizing what the preacher was telling him he changed to a more humble tone and said, “Well, anyway, I was so impressed with your sermon that I placed $5000 dollars in the collection plate”.
“No Shit?” said the Preacher.

A boat sinks in the ocean and three survivors, two men and a woman, make it onto a life boat. After a couple of days they landed on a small island with everything they needed to survive. Fresh water, fruit, and animals were all plentiful. While on the island, nature takes its course, and after two years the woman couldn’t stand sleeping with the two men any more. Knowing there was no way for her to escape, she hung herself.
Now only the two men remained. Being lonely, isolated, and unable to control their libidos, nature took a different course. After another couple years had passed, one man says to the other, “We can’t go on doing this any more. Its just not right.”
With a heavy sigh, his companion replies, “You’re right. We’ll bury her body tomorrow.”

Why did so many kids die at Sandy Hook?
They weren’t allowed to run in the hall.
The kids at Sandy Hook went to the library to get a book, but instead, they got a few magazines.
What do you call a 10 year old with no friends?
A Sandy Hook survivor
What has more brains than a Sandy Hook student?
The wall behind it.
Why didn’t the world end on Dec 21st, 2012?
Because we sacrificed 20 virgins on Dec 14th
Why did the shooter kill all the kids?
He was a strong proponent of No Child Left Behind.
How many Sandy Hook kids does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. One to move the bodies out of the way and one to screw it in.
I know… I know… These Sandy Hook jokes are getting old… not like those children.
Sandy Hook Bumper Sticker:
“My kid shot your honour student!”

A very successful attorney parked his brand new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he was getting out, a truck came along too closely and completely tore off the driver’s door. Fortunately, a cop in a police car was close enough to see the accident and pulled up behind the Lexus with his lights flashing.
Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the attorney started screaming hysterically about how his Lexus, which he had just purchased the day before, was completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how any car body shop tried to make it new again.
After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disbelief. “I can’t believe how materialistic you lawyers are,” he said. “You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life.”
“How can you say such a thing?” asked the lawyer.
The cop replied, “Don’t you even realize that your left arm is missing? It was severed when the truck hit you!”
“OH, MY GOD!!!” screamed the lawyer. “My Rolex!”

Frank always looked on the bright side. He would constantly irritate his friends with his eternal optimism. No matter how horrible the circumstance, he would always reply, “It could have been worse.” To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a situation so completely bad, so terrible, that even Frank could find no hope in it.
On the golf course one day, one of them said, “Frank, did you hear about Tom? He came home last night, found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both and then turned the gun on himself!”
“That’s awful,” said Frank, “But it could have been worse.”
“How in the hell,” asked his bewildered friend, “Could it have been worse?”
“Well,” replied Frank, “If it happened the night before, I’d be dead now!”

Here’s a bunch of great short puns to kick off the New Year!
I tried to catch some fog. I mist.
When chemists die, they barium.
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore.
I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.
I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
They told me I had type A blood, but it was a type-O.
This dyslexic man walks into a bra.
I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
A cross-eyed teacher lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils.
When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
What does a clock do when it’s hungry? It goes back four seconds.
I wondered why the ball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!
Broken pencils are pointless.
What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
I took the job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
Velcro – what a rip off!
Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.

A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile and a pyromaniac are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution when a cat walks by outside the window.
“I’d love to have sex with that cat,” said the zoophile.
“Let’s have sex with the cat and then torture it,” says the sadist.
“Let’s have sex with the cat, torture it and then kill it,” shouted the murderer.
“Let’s have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it and then have sex with it again,” said the necrophile.
“Let’s have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it, have sex with it again and then burn it,” said the pyromaniac.
There was silence, and then the masochist said, “Meow.”