“It’s really quite simple,” said the Doctor. “We take a donor egg, replace the DNA inside with the DNA from one of your sperm, then we inseminate the egg with the sperm from your partner. After that, it’s just like any other in vitro fertilization procedure.”
Bruce and Dillon were beside themselves with joy that they were about to become the biological parents of their very own baby.
It was nine months later when they rushed to the hospital as their surrogate went into labor.
Immediately following the birth, they peered though the observation window in the hospital nursery and noticed that all but one of the babies were crying. They were even more amazed that the smiling happy baby turned out to be their very own.
One of the men remarked to the nurse at the window about how content their baby was.
“Well, he’s happy now,” replied the nurse, “but watch what happens when we pull the thermometer out of his ass.”
At the dinner table, the son asked his father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?”
The father answered, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, but hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.”
“Onions?” the son queried.
“Yes. You see them and they make you cry.”
This infuriated his wife and daughter, so the daughter asked, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?”
The mother smiled and said, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.”
“A Christmas tree?” the daughter remarked.
“Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”
I suffered the summer’s heat, and was a little disappointed to find October was much too warm for the season. Basically, I’m looking forward to the cold. Most people hate the cold, and if we’re talking sub-zero temperatures, I’m with you… But I’ll gladly take 28°F to 48°F this time of year.
It’s an amazing feeling to bundle yourself up into a nice warm sweater while breathing in the cool crisp air. It’s so much easier to chase away the chill in the fall than to draw off the heat in the summer. The weight of the extra blanket comforts you in the night as you snuggle into bed.
And don’t forget the best holidays are just around the corner. While I’m generally partial to the charm of Halloween, the flavors of Thanksgiving and Christmas along with the love of family and friends lifts the spirit and fills the air with a sense of hope and joy.
If you cannot find the love and joy in your life, perhaps your spirit has been poisoned. You must draw the poison out and cleanse yourself of hatred lest your soul wither and die. Cast away your fear and anger, and strive to enjoy life as it is. You can’t make a better tomorrow unless you make peace with today.
At the funeral the preacher talked at length of the good traits of the deceased, about what a hard worker he was, what a kind and thoughtful individual he was, how he was such a charitable and generous man, and what a loving husband and devoted father he was.
The widow leaned over and whispered to her son, “Zach, go up there and take a look in that coffin, and make sure it’s your pa in there.”
A small boy awoke in the middle of the night. He heard strange noises from his parents’ room, and he decided to investigate. As he entered their bedroom, he was shocked to see his mom and dad shagging for all they were worth.
“DAD!” he shouted. “What are you doing?”
“It’s OK,” his father replied. “Your mother wants a baby, that’s all.”
The small boy, excited at the prospect of a new baby brother, was pleased and went back to bed with a smile on his face.
Several weeks later, the little boy was walking past the bathroom and was shocked to discover his mother performing oral sex on his father.
“DAD!” he shouted. “What are you doing now?”
“Son, there’s been a change of plan,” his father replied. “Your mother did want a baby, but now she wants a BMW.”
It was a cool autumn afternoon when the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex party in a hotel. The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes line up along the driveway.
Suddenly the grandmother of one of the girls came by and saw her granddaughter in the lineup.
“Why are you standing in line, dear?” she asked.
Not willing to let her grandma know the truth, the girl told her that the policemen were passing out free oranges.
“Why, that is awfully nice of them! I think I’ll get some for myself,” said the grandma.
A policeman went down the line, asking for information from all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, he exclaimed, “Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it?”
Grandma replied, “Oh, it’s easy, dear. I just take out my dentures and suck’em dry!”
It was Miss Crabtree’s birthday, and all the children brought presents for their teacher.
The florist’s son handed the teacher a gift. She shook it, held it up and said, “I bet I know what it is – it’s some flowers!”
“That’s right!” shouted the little boy.
Then the candy store owner’s daughter handed the teacher a gift. She held it up, shook it and said. “I bet I know what it is – it’s a box of candy!”
“That’s right!” shouted the little girl.
The next gift was from the liquor store owner’s son, Little Johnny. The teacher held it up and saw that it was leaking. She touched a drop with her finger and tasted it. “Is it wine?” she asked.
“No,” Little Johnny answered.
The teacher touched another drop to her tongue. “Is it champagne?” she asked.
“No,” he answered.
Finally, the teacher said, “I give up. What is it?”
Little Johnny replied, “A puppy!”
Bonus Question: Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton were flying in a plane when it suddenly crashed. Who survives?
Answer: America
Oh, and if you’re eligible to vote in the US election today, be sure to take the time to go vote. Judging from the candidates we have to pick from, this might well be the last time we’ll get to do it!
A young ventriloquist was touring the clubs. One night he was doing a show in a small club in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he was going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stood on her chair and started shouting, “I’ve heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person’s hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It’s guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general…and all in the name of humor!”
The ventriloquist was embarrassed and began to apologize.
“You stay out of this, mister!” Yelled the blonde. “I’m talking to that little idiot on your knee!”
You know, on average, there is less than a single day per year that I don’t have something wrong with me. Usually, I get over it pretty quickly and life goes on. Right now I’m dealing with some kind of throat infection that keeps lingering and getting worse. Who knows! Maybe it’s cancer. In any event, it’s really pissing me off.
So basically it’s a swollen lymph gland. Go ahead and google the damn thing. I’ll wait. Now I kinda had an earache too, and there was a soar throat with sinus drainage… But I cleared all that shit up already, and now that lymph node in my neck is still aching. If I move my head or touch it in the wrong way, it will send intense pain shooting through me. Oh joy!
So I’m taking antibiotics. Maybe that will take care of it? Usually those things work pretty quickly, but it’s been a few days, and I’m still not better. So maybe it’s the early stages of sepsis, and I’ll be dead before the next holiday… At least one can hope.
One good thing about a painful malady, is that you momentarily forget about all the other shit that your body has been annoying you about. Oh, my feet still hurt like they’ve been mercilessly beaten, but that doesn’t begin to be in my top ten concerns. My arthritis is probably still there, but my neck is just screamingly painful.
I don’t dare scream though. I don’t even want to talk. It hurts to move my jaw, or even swallow. (insert “that’s what she said” reference…) All I can do is take my medicine and wait. Wait while this damn thing steals more of what’s left of my life. I’m not getting any younger here!
So my dear, gentle reader, take heed. Avoid bad habits, get plenty of rest, drink plenty of water, get plenty of exercise, practice good hygiene, and eat nutritious meals every day. You’re still going to die, but at least you won’t be in my situation thinking that it was the lack of the aforementioned lifestyle that led to your demise.
Pax
-f2x
September 2026
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GET THE PLUNGER!
What is Flush Twice?
Flush Twice has been around since May of 2003. It started out as a JOTD (Joke of the Day) website. New jokes were published every weekday. Over the years, good jokes were increasingly hard to come by, and eventually they got so rare that I just stopped trying to publish them.
Since 2004 there has also been an eponymous comic. I still occasionally publish a new one on Saturdays. It’s also rare anymore, but sometimes it happens.
Here lately I’ve been posting a “Link of the Day”. For the time being, I will be featuring a new website from my enormous collection of bookmarked websites every weekday. None of it is solicited promotions, and no one is paying me to feature their site. These are just websites that at one time I thought were interesting enough to add to my bookmarks folder.
I highly encourage using some kind of ad blocking extension before clicking on any of these links. You’ll also hear me say this phrase a lot about these posts: “They can’t all be winners.” But it’s better than just leaving the site abandoned.
The jokes were generously provided by friends and visitors such as yourself. I want to express my eternal thanks to everyone over the years who helped contribute to the collection.
So what is it that makes a joke funny?
It all boils down to a sudden shift in perception. The story starts you thinking one way, then the punchline turns that thinking on its ear. The art of the joke is to craft a short story that isn’t overly contrived, then deliver a punchline that suddenly shifts your perception about the story you were being told.
Many of the jokes on this site are offensive, and I make no apologies for it. Offensive jokes work by making the reader uncomfortable through the use of a taboo subject thus enhancing the underlying humor. Without the offensive element, the joke would simply not be as funny.
