Author Archives: f2x

Kenny had died.

At the funeral the preacher talked at length of the good traits of the deceased, about what a hard worker he was, what a kind and thoughtful individual he was, how he was such a charitable and generous man, and what a loving husband and devoted father he was.

The widow leaned over and whispered to her son, “Zach, go up there and take a look in that coffin, and make sure it’s your pa in there.”

A small boy awoke in the middle of the night. He heard strange noises from his parents’ room, and he decided to investigate. As he entered their bedroom, he was shocked to see his mom and dad shagging for all they were worth.

“DAD!” he shouted. “What are you doing?”

“It’s OK,” his father replied. “Your mother wants a baby, that’s all.”

The small boy, excited at the prospect of a new baby brother, was pleased and went back to bed with a smile on his face.

Several weeks later, the little boy was walking past the bathroom and was shocked to discover his mother performing oral sex on his father.

“DAD!” he shouted. “What are you doing now?”

“Son, there’s been a change of plan,” his father replied. “Your mother did want a baby, but now she wants a BMW.”

It was a cool autumn afternoon when the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex party in a hotel. The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes line up along the driveway.

Suddenly the grandmother of one of the girls came by and saw her granddaughter in the lineup.

“Why are you standing in line, dear?” she asked.

Not willing to let her grandma know the truth, the girl told her that the policemen were passing out free oranges.

“Why, that is awfully nice of them! I think I’ll get some for myself,” said the grandma.

A policeman went down the line, asking for information from all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, he exclaimed, “Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it?”

Grandma replied, “Oh, it’s easy, dear. I just take out my dentures and suck’em dry!”

It was Miss Crabtree’s birthday, and all the children brought presents for their teacher.

The florist’s son handed the teacher a gift. She shook it, held it up and said, “I bet I know what it is – it’s some flowers!”

“That’s right!” shouted the little boy.

Then the candy store owner’s daughter handed the teacher a gift. She held it up, shook it and said. “I bet I know what it is – it’s a box of candy!”

“That’s right!” shouted the little girl.

The next gift was from the liquor store owner’s son, Little Johnny. The teacher held it up and saw that it was leaking. She touched a drop with her finger and tasted it. “Is it wine?” she asked.

“No,” Little Johnny answered.

The teacher touched another drop to her tongue. “Is it champagne?” she asked.

“No,” he answered.

Finally, the teacher said, “I give up. What is it?”

Little Johnny replied, “A puppy!”

Bonus Question: Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton were flying in a plane when it suddenly crashed. Who survives?

Answer: America

Oh, and if you’re eligible to vote in the US election today, be sure to take the time to go vote. Judging from the candidates we have to pick from, this might well be the last time we’ll get to do it!

A young ventriloquist was touring the clubs. One night he was doing a show in a small club in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he was going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stood on her chair and started shouting, “I’ve heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person’s hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It’s guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general…and all in the name of humor!”

The ventriloquist was embarrassed and began to apologize.

“You stay out of this, mister!” Yelled the blonde. “I’m talking to that little idiot on your knee!”

Before performing a baptism, the priest approached the young father and said solemnly, “Baptism is a serious step. Are you prepared for it?”

“I think so,” the man replied. “My wife has made all the appetizers herself and we have a caterer coming in to provide plenty of sandwiches and cakes for all of our guests.”

“I don’t mean that,” the priest responded. “I mean, are you properly prepared spiritually?”

“Oh, sure,” came the reply. “I’ve got a keg of beer and a case of whiskey.”

A blond walked into the doctor’s office with both of her ears burnt.

The doctor asked what had happened.

“Well,” she said, “I was ironing my work clothes when the phone rang. I accidentally picked up the iron instead of the phone.”

“Well that explains one ear,” chuckled the doc, “but what about the other?”

“They called back.”