A college professor, a company CEO, and a janitor were walking along the beach when they found a magic lamp half buried in the sand. Together they rubbed the lamp and the genie emerged. “I can only grant you a wish if you can do someone else’s job for a day,” said the genie.
The professor said, “I will do the job of an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?”
The professor was teleported into a classroom. Not even an hour had gone by when the children’s screaming and naughty behavior had gotten to him. He threw all the school supplies on the floor and gave up, and the genie denied him his wish.
The C.E.O said “I bet I would make a great waiter. All you have to do is carry food back and forth. This’ll be a breeze!”
And so he was teleported to a restaurant, but after an hour, all the annoying customers drove him insane. The CEO smashed the plates on the ground and gave up. The genie denied him his wish as well.
The janitor thought for a moment and said, “I would like to be an artist.”
Instantly he was transported to an art studio where he glued all the school supplies and shattered plates to a canvas. He then sold the piece for $13 million at a gallery.
The genie was impressed and agreed to grant the Janitor his wish, but then asked how he came to be so clever.
The janitor replied, “I have a masters degree in art.”
Three men came out of a bar and piled into a taxi. They were being rather surly and disagreeable. The driver could tell that they were drunk, and decided to play a trick on them.
The driver turned the engine on and stayed there for a moment, then turned the engine off and told the three drunk men they had arrived.
The first man handed the driver a handful of pennies as he exited. The second man gave the driver a $5 bill. The third man scolded the driver and said, “Next time don’t drive so fast. You almost got us killed.”
A golfer is walking down the road carrying his clubs when he sees an Arab being held up at gunpoint. He pulls out a wedge and smashes it over the back of the robber’s head, knocking him unconscious.
“You saved my life,” says the grateful Arab. “I am a member of the Saudi Royal Family and I have the power and money to give you anything you desire as a reward.”
The golfer glances at his golf bag. “Some new golf clubs would be nice,” he says.
Two weeks later, the Sheikh’s secretary calls him up.
“We have acquired your golf clubs,” she says, “but the Sheikh would like to apologize to you in advance. Only three of them have swimming pools.”
Back when I first started FlushTwice.com, I was doing the HTML primarily by hand… and poorly at that. Up until 2008, I was using a collection of page templates designed to be easily edited for daily use, but it was a manual process and only changed when I uploaded the changes. No database, no scheduling, and no way to update the look and feel without breaking everything.
But then I found Movable Type… which was awful so I switched to WordPress, which was much easier to use and had a much better selection of themes to give my site a unique look. This opened up a lot of possibilities, but most importantly it gave Flush Twice an automated schedule. Now I could upload a bunch of jokes and comics well in advance, then sit back and let the system reveal them in time. It also allowed for users to leave comments.
But it didn’t stop there. Oh no! This baby had plugins too! Back then I only used a handful, but today over 20 plugins are required to give Flush Twice its particular look and feel. Also to track visitors, but do it in a privacy respecting way. I could have used Google analytics, but then Google would use that info to… to… Come to think of it, I don’t know why I fucking care about that, but I do.
The thing here is this: This is my site. I have complete control. No one else can mess with it. It’s mine and… What’d you say? Auto updates? What about them?
Ugh!
In the end, the control is like a rainbow. Only an illusion. WordPress and those 20+ plugins run my site, and the scary truth is, any one of them can bring my site down. All it takes is one malicious update to make the whole thing go away. Of course I could turn off the updates, but that comes with its own pitfalls as well.
And then there is the other elephant in the room. Shady plugin developers that have flooded WordPress.org with plugins as a service. You install the plugin, and they handle everything on their own server… including analytics. And of course you’ll need to pay them for their services as well, or suddenly your site doesn’t feel so good. What’s more, if their site goes down, so does yours. Trying to find a plugin that doesn’t pull this crap is becoming rather challenging.
In the end, all of civilization is built on a house of cards. Best not to startle the table.
Kudos
OK, so to start out the week, we have a few jokes from reddit, followed by a couple jokes donated by my good buddy, Big D. The submission page is still a great way to add jokes to the joke queue, but sadly it doesn’t add comics to the comic queue. I’ll have to work on that one.
“Pop, I’m nothing! I’m nothing, Pop. Can’t you understand that? There’s no spite in it any more. I’m just what I am, that’s all.” ― Arthur Miller, Death of a Salesman
It was the middle of the night when Johnny’s car broke down a few miles from home. He decided to just walk the rest of the way, but to save time he would take a shortcut through the local graveyard.
As he was walking along the headstones, he heard a faint tapping noise. The deeper he went into the graveyard, the louder the tapping grew. Johnny started to feel very anxious until he saw the source of the tapping. An old man with a hammer and chisel was hunched over one of the headstones.
Relieved, Johnny said to the man, “Gee, mister, I was beginning to freak out because of that noise. I thought this place might have been haunted. What on earth are you doing here so late at night anyway?”
The old man continued chiseling and said, “They spelled my name wrong.”
A scientist built a time machine, and decided to travel back in time to ancient Rome in order to advance society more quickly.
Carrying a laptop computer, a television, and a cell phone, he went before emperor Caesar and said, “Emperor! I have brought you these gifts from many millennia in the future! Here, allow me to show you how they work.”
Caesar then turned to his guard and said, “Insanum hunc auferte ineptum.”
A soviet butcher came out, looked at the long line, and yelled, “We don’t have enough for all of you today! All the Jews, get out of the line and go home!”
After another hour of waiting, the butcher came out again and looked at the line. He yelled, “We don’t have enough for all of you! If you’re not a member of the communist party, get out of the line and go home!”
After another hour, the butcher came out again. “We don’t have enough for all of you! , unless you’re a veteran of the great patriotic war, get out of the line and go home!”
After another hour, the butcher came out. “We are completely out of meat for today! Everybody go home!”
One communist then turned to the other and said, “Yibat! What did I tell you, comrade? The Jews get all the luck!”
The teacher had a curious issue with his class and asked the principal to weigh in. To demonstrate the problem, the teacher called on a student and asked him “Who killed Julius Caesar?”
The student was terrified, “I swear it wasn’t me! I never even met him!”
The teacher went around the room and asked the rest of the class, but they all gave the same answer. The teacher then turned to the principal and asked him, “Do you think such a response is normal?”
The shocked principal replied “Are you sure the killer is in this class?”
OK… I was originally going to rant about how good my dad’s home grown tomatoes are this year, but fuck it.
Hopefully the suffering won’t be in vain. Over the years I financially spent my way into a very deep hole trying to maintain a comfortable though rather modest standard of living. The idea was that I would receive steady raises and eventually make enough to pay it down and one day pay it off.
The employer that I served for 23 years castrated that plan by reducing benefits, imposing a pay freeze, and destroying multiple retirement plans, so I resolved to cut my losses. My original plan was to deliver Amazon packages while I cleared my head, but even though I actually landed that job, a different fate awaited me.
Instead, I had the good fortune to be approached by a head hunter which lead to a much higher paying position. I now have a very real chance at getting out of debt much sooner than I could have ever hoped. However, there is a downside. Being much older now, this opportunity is more of a challenge physically than I had anticipated. I was already pushing the red line at my last job, but my new job has seriously been rattling my bolts off.
So the possible outcomes are as follows:
1. The new job proves to be too much. Within weeks or months, I will fall back on Amazon, and short of bankruptcy, the old debt essentially never goes away. I struggle financially, but my standard of living won’t suffer. I will retire with only my meager social security benefits.
2. The new job takes a heavy toll, but in 2 years I will be completely out of credit card debt. In 4 years, completely debt free. It’s a new day and I’m a greeter at Walmart for my remaining years until I keel over dead.
3. My body adjusts to the new demands. I get out of debt. I start squirreling away every red cent until my passive income exceeds my wages. I retire to a cabin on a lake in the woods.
For now these are the three possible outcomes that are likely at this moment in time. My personal favorite is option three, but just “wanting it hard enough” is a load of bullshit. If fortunes change or my body cannot physically handle the position, it doesn’t matter how much I want it. Reality does not work that way.
And there is always an outcome that I could not possibly foresee, as my crystal ball is only for decoration. I just have to remind myself that Rome didn’t fall in a day and try to stick to the plan so long as it is practical. While I can’t let the doom and gloom news cycle psyche me out, I also have to pay attention to actual warning signs and take prudent steps when necessary.
The bottom line is, I still have to try. I am going to be worn out, cranky, and not in the mood for any of this shit, but option three is somehow feasible (though unlikely), and I have to try.
Kudos
Well, it looks like another week of reddit reposts. Honestly, I think these jokes are pretty solid. Don’t like these jokes? Submit jokes that you do like.
“Many that live deserve death. And some that die deserve life. Can you give it to them?” ― J.R.R. Tolkien, The Fellowship of the Ring
Pax,
-f2x
July 2025
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GET THE PLUNGER!
What is Flush Twice?
Flush Twice has been around since May of 2003. It started out as a JOTD (Joke of the Day) website. New jokes were published every weekday. Over the years, good jokes were increasingly hard to come by, and eventually they got so rare that I just stopped trying to publish them.
Since 2004 there has also been an eponymous comic. I still occasionally publish a new one on Saturdays. It’s also rare anymore, but sometimes it happens.
Here lately I’ve been posting a “Link of the Day”. For the time being, I will be featuring a new website from my enormous collection of bookmarked websites every weekday. None of it is solicited promotions, and no one is paying me to feature their site. These are just websites that at one time I thought were interesting enough to add to my bookmarks folder.
I highly encourage using some kind of ad blocking extension before clicking on any of these links. You’ll also hear me say this phrase a lot about these posts: “They can’t all be winners.” But it’s better than just leaving the site abandoned.
The jokes were generously provided by friends and visitors such as yourself. I want to express my eternal thanks to everyone over the years who helped contribute to the collection.
So what is it that makes a joke funny?
It all boils down to a sudden shift in perception. The story starts you thinking one way, then the punchline turns that thinking on its ear. The art of the joke is to craft a short story that isn’t overly contrived, then deliver a punchline that suddenly shifts your perception about the story you were being told.
Many of the jokes on this site are offensive, and I make no apologies for it. Offensive jokes work by making the reader uncomfortable through the use of a taboo subject thus enhancing the underlying humor. Without the offensive element, the joke would simply not be as funny.
