Author Archives: A Flush Twice Visitor

After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.
He looked at her for a while … then he said,
“You’re A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K.”
She asks … “What does that mean?”
He said, “Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot.
She smiled happily and said …. “Oh, that’s so lovely … What about I, J, K?”
He said, “I’m Just Kidding!”
The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctor is fairly
optimistic about saving his testicles.

A man told his best friend he accidentally swallowed a bunch of scrabble tiles.

The friend asked. Are u going to be all right?

I don’t he said. The next bathroon trip I take might spell disaster.

Two whales are swimming around in the ocean one day when the guy whale shouts at the girl whale says
“Hey look! That is the ship that harpooned and killed my daddy!

She says “ I think your right.”

He says Angrily “ I want to kill them! I want to hurt them! I want to mess them up!”

She says “I do to but I don’t that there is anything we can do to kill them.”

Well he comes up with a plan. What he lays out for her is for both of them to fill up their lungs with as much air as possible, swim under the ship, exhale all their air at the same time, and sink the ship.

She says “I don’t think that will work, we could never sink that ship!”

After talking about it for a little he talks her into it.

They go through to motions, get under the ship, and on the count of three they start exhaling. Whoosh, whoosh, whoosh they exhale and empty all the air in their lungs!

Sure enough the water all around the ship gets aerated, the ship gets top heavy and flips over and starts sinking!

The sailors start jumping off the ship and they start swimming towards the land.

The guy whale says “Quick honey, eat the sailors before they get to the land!”

She puts her foot down and says “look I agreed to the blow job but I’m not swallowing the semen!!!!”

Dear Abby,
I’ve never written to you before, but I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision. I’ve suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. It’s the usual signs… phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife
has been going out with the girls a lot recently – although when I ask their names she always says, “Just some friends from work, you don’t know them.” I always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she always walks down the street.
Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just don’t want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her.
I decided I was going to park my boat next to the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the whole street when she came home. It was at that moment, crouching behind my boat, that I noticed that the lower unit seemed to be leaking a little oil. Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the dealer?
Worried Sick in North Carolina

The Cowboy and Indians

A bunch of Indians capture a cowboy and bring him back to their camp to meet

the chief. The chief says to the cowboy, “You going to die. But we sorry for

you, so give you one wish a day for three days. On sundown of third day, you

die.

What is first wish?” The cowboy says, “I want to see my horse.” The Indians

get his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse’s ear and whispers something, then

slaps the horse on the ass. The horse takes off. Two hours later, the horse

comes back with a naked blonde.

She jumps off the horse and goes into the teepee with the cowboy. The Indians

look at each other, figuring, “Typical white man … can only think of one

thing.”

The second day, the chief says, “What your wish today?” The cowboy says, “I

want to see my horse again.” The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy

leans over to the horse and whispers something in the horses ear, then slaps

it on the ass. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked redhead.

She gets off and goes in the teepee with the cowboy. The Indians shake their

heads, figuring, “Typical white man … going to die tomorrow and can only

think of one thing.”

The last day comes, and the chief says, “This your last wish, white man. What

you want?” The cowboy says, “I want to see my horse again.” The Indians

bring him his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse by both ears, twists them

hard and yells, “Read my lips! POSSE, damn it! P-O-S-S-E!”

d ladies who socialize together are having tea when one complained to the other,” my husband refuses to have sex with me. I turn to him in bed and he turns his back on me.
Her friend replied “The reason for that is that ad we grow older we get bigger down there and they don’t get much satisfaction anymore”.
Puzzled at this, the lady went home, drew her bathwater, and took the mirror off the wall. placed it on the floor, straddle it and looked trying to determine if, in fact, it was bigger than she remembered.
As she’s doing this her husband comes home, runs up the stairs and barges in to take a leak.
The door hits her in the elbow and she cries out
” you dam near broke my arm!
He replied, “You’re lucky you didn’t fall down that hole.You could have broken your neck!”.

Oldie but goodie…same as me

A Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other, and finally they got married, and had a little sweet potato, which they called ‘Yam’. Of course, they wanted the best for Yam. When it was time, they told her about the facts of life. They warned her about going out and getting half-baked, so she wouldn’t get accidentally mashed, and get a bad name for herself like ‘Hot Potato,’ and end up with a bunch of Tater Tots. Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her! But on the other hand she wouldn’t stay home and become a Couch Potato either. She would get plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring Cousins. When she went off to Europe, Mr. and Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out for the hard-boiled guys from Ireland. And the greasy guys from France called the French Fries. And when she went out West, to watch out for the Indians so she wouldn’t get scalloped. Yam said she would stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn’t associate with those high class Yukon Golds, or the ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all the trucks that say, ‘Frito Lay.’ Mr. and Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (that’s Potato University) so that when she graduated she’d really be in the Chips. But in spite of all they did for her, one-day Yam came home and announced she was going to marry Tom Brokaw.
Tom Brokaw!
Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset. They told Yam she couldn’t possibly marry Tom Brokaw.
Because he’s just……
Are you ready for this?
Are you sure?
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OK!
Here it is!
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A COMMONTATER!

Plain Nasty — and FUNNY Riddles
Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.
Q. What’s a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.
Q What’s the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.
Q. What’s the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.
Q. What’s the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball.
Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?
A. They spray paint X’s on the back of the sheep that kick!
Q. Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it’s worth it!
Q. What is a Yankee?
A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.
Q. What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.
Q. What is the difference between ‘ooooooh’ and ‘aaaaaaah’?
A. About three inches.
Q: What’s the difference between purple and pink?
A. The grip.
Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A. It’s not hard.
Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.
Q: What’s the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 pounds.
Q: What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.
Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don’t have eyes.
Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A. The swallow.
Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.
Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A . They don’t have balls to scratch!

1. I was walking through the cemetery this morning and I saw a guy crouching down behind a tombstone. I said “morning”. He said “No, just taking a shit”.
2. When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realized that the Lord doesn’t work that way so I stole a bike and asked him to forgive me.
3. My girlfriend was in labor with our first child. She was shouting out “get this out of me? Give me the drugs”. She looked at me and said, “You did this to me you fucker,” I casually replied, “If you would care to remember, I wanted to stick it up your ass but you said “Oh no, it’ll be too painful.”
4. I went to an extremely attractive female doctor today for my annual checkup. She told me that I had to quit masturbating. I asked why and she told me “Because I am trying to examine you.”
5. I was walking down the road today and saw my Afghanistan neighbor Abdul standing on his fifth floor apartment balcony shaking a carpet. I shouted up to him, “What’s up Abdul, won’t it fuckin start.”
6. My girlfriend and I were making love last night when she looked up at me and said “Make love to me like in the movies”. So I turned her over on all fours, stuck it in her ass, pulled out, flipped her back over and came all over her face and hair. She was a little upset. I guess we don’t watch the same movies.
7. I parked in a disabled person’s spot today and a cop yelled at me “Show me proof of your disability.” I shouted back at him, “Tourettes syndrome. Now fuck off you asshole.”

Jake went to the doctor and told him he was having a problem, as he was unable to get his manhood erect:

The doctor checked him out then told him that the muscles around the base of the organ were damaged and there was nothing he could do for him. However, he knew of an experimental treatment that might work, if he was willing to take the risk. The treatment consisted of planting muscle tissues from an elephant’s trunk into his ‘old fella’.

Jake thought about it for a while. The thought of having to go through life without sex was too much for him to bear. So, with the assurance that there would be no cruelty to the elephant, the man decided to go for it.

A few weeks after the operation, he was given the green light to go and try out his newly renovated equipment.

As a result Jake planned a romantic evening with his wife Mary and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in town. In the middle of dinner he felt a strong stirring in his loins that continued to the point of being extremely painful.

To release the pressure he unzipped his fly and his knob sprang out, slid across the top of the table, grabbed a bread roll and returned to his trousers.

Mary was stunned at first, but then with a sly grin on her face said. “That was incredible. Can you do that again?”

With tears in his eyes he replied. “I think I can, but I am not sure if another bread roll will fit up my ass.”