Another Collection of Adult Jokes

By A Flush Twice Visitor | Wednesday, April 6, 2022 - 12:00 am |Sunday, April 3, 2022 Jokes

*ADULT JOKES*
1) A soldier’s wife sends him her nude photo with both legs wide open …
“Darling, I’ll wait like this till you come back!”
Soldier: That’s great. But who has taken this photograph??
🤪🤪🤪🤪
2) Girl Friend: I demand good manners in bed, just like at the dinner table …
Boyfriend climbs into bed slowly & says: Honey, would you pass the boobs please?
😊😊😊😊
3) Husband is praying before going to bed …
Wife: What are you praying for?
Husband: For guidance.
Wife: Pray for hardness. Leave guidance to me!!
😅😅😅😅
4) A collage student comes to his class with broken spectacles …
Teacher: What happened?
Boy: I was kissing my Girlfriend.
Teacher: But how did your spectacles break?
Boy: She closed her legs!!
😘😘😘😘
5) What’s the difference between a man & a woman …
A man always has the same DICK between his legs all his life …
A woman MAY NOT😁😁😁😁
6) After her operation, a blonde to the Doctor: How soon can I resume my sex life?
Dr: You are the first patient to ask this question after a tonsil operation!!
😜😜😜😜
7) During sex, Man suddenly stops and remains motionless.
He then starts again and after some time stops to remain motionless once again.
This goes on for quite some time.
Wife: What the hell are you doing?
Man: I have seen this new technique on an internet porn site…
Wife : Stupid……. it is due to Buffering
🤦‍♂️🤦‍♂️🤦‍♂️🤦‍♂️
8. Tension is when wife is pregnant! Terror is when girlfriend is pregnant! Horror is when both are pregnant! Tragedy is when you are not responsible for both!🙊🙈🙉😊😊
9. The Blue Whale ejaculates over 40 gallons of sperm when mating. Only 10% enters the female. And you always wondered why the
sea tasted salty?
🧤🧤🧤🧤
10. Why is it that a girl looks down when you say I love you? To see if you really mean it!!
🤩🤩🤩🤩
Why is sex similar to shaving? Well, because no matter how well you do it today, tomorrow you have to do it again.
💃🕺💃🕺
11. Wives are funny creatures. They don’t have sex with their husbands for weeks and then they want to kill the woman who does..
😎😎😎😎
12. Wife: My hubby & I have, what he calls-Olympic sex. Friend: Wow, must be a terrific sex life?
Wife: Not really. It only happens once in 4 years.
😏😏😏😏
13. The stock markets are now like an old man’s dick? Just refusing to rise, and the irony is that everyone is still getting screwed!
👏👏👏👏
14. This week is Breast Awareness Week. Spread the slogan ……. “We stare because we care!”
🤥🤥😏😏
15. The saddest part of a man’s body is his balls. The Lord Almighty sentenced them to “Hang Till Death!”
😬😬😬😬
16. A loud scream comes from the bedroom and the husband runs in. He sees a guy leaping out of the window.
Wife yells: That guy just screwed me…. twice!
Husband: Twice? Why didn’t you call me in after he screwed you the first time?
Wife: Because I thought it was you, until he started the second time.
😂😂😂😂
17. What is the difference between a chicken and a baby? Chicken is the result of a sitting hen while the baby is the result of standing cock.
🤠🤠🤠🤠
18. If a bomb bursts in a bra, what would you get?
Tit-Bits.
And if it bursts in a man’s underwear? Banana splits..
Ouch….😛😛😛😛
Collected.
A small church had a very attractive big-busted organist named Linda.
Her breasts were so large that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ. Unfortunately, this distracted the congregation considerably.
The very proper church ladies were appalled.
They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.
So one of the ladies approached Linda very discreetly about the problem, and told her to mash up some green astringent persimmons and rub them on her nipples and over her breasts, which should cause them to shrink in size.
But she warned Linda not to taste any of the green persimmons because they are so sour they would make her mouth pucker up, and she wouldn’t be able to talk properly for a while.
The voluptuous organist reluctantly agreed to try it.
The following Sunday morning the priest climbed into the pulpit and said,
“Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not hab a thermon tewday” 😬😱😜😝😝

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Gail’s Sunday Pic

Sunday, June 29, 2025

Alex Died on June 19, 2025

I suppose I should start by telling you how it happened. It was an otherwise nondescript day back in February. I went to get out of my rocker-recliner and when I scooched forward to get up, the front armrests bottomed out on the floor as they always do. Unbeknownst to me, Alex just happened to be laying down there that fateful day, and his left arm managed to get pinched.

Of course he yowled the loudest I'd ever heard him yell in his entire life and shot off into the basement. I felt terrible about it, but then I had no way of knowing he was down there when I went to get up. After a short while, Alex came back upstairs, and I was able to check for injury.

Shockingly, there were no broken bones, no blood, and Alex was able to walk just fine. It almost seemed cartoonish at the time, but down the left side of his left arm was a ribbon of flattened fur. He seemed somewhat indifferent to this, and acted like he just wanted to put the whole thing behind him. Seeing as Alex didn't appear to be in immediate danger, I took a "wait and see" position.

Over the next month, the "ribbon" began to shrink inward towards his elbow. I took this as a good sign that his injury was healing naturally and everything would be fine... But things were not fine. After a month and a half, his elbow began to swell. By mid-April I had to take him in to the vet for an exam.

The vet did a fair bit of Hmmm'ing and scrunched her face a lot. She didn't want to poke it with anything for fear it might introduce something. She took some measurements and expressed a "wait and see" attitude. I then scheduled a follow up appointment two months out.

Only a month later in mid-May, the swelling on his elbow had increased to the point that it started to ulcer. I called the vet and got him in immediately. This time they tried to drain it, but it went horribly. After the first stick, Alex started squirting blood all over the place, and the vet and technician freaked out and were running around looking for towels while I had to hold my cat down in a growing pool of his own blood.

After they got things back under control, she tried again with a larger needle, and went in from a different direction. After plunging to the center of the mass, she remarked that it was solid and that the fluid had probably dispersed into the surrounding tissue. She then went on to suggest that it might even be "malignant" and recommended a biopsy. They gave me an estimate for the procedure that ran from $500 to $800. I immediately left and made an appointment with another vet that I had gone to in the past.

The next day, my alternate vet didn't have any good news. By now, Alex's arm was very infected. At first he suggested that the arm would have to come off, but after noting Alex's age, he pulled back and recommended palliative care. I pushed for a quote on the cost of an amputation, and he informed me it would be around $3500 at the lowest, and that at his age, Alex would only live another 6 months after the surgery, and to just stick with palliative care.

They gave Alex a shot of antibiotics, a shot for long term pain management, prednisolone tablets and a liquid antibiotic, along with an appointment to come back about a month later.

Over the memorial day weekend, I cleaned Alex's wound and administered his meds. Alex was still Alex though. He obviously wanted to live, so I began making phone calls. Eventually I got in touch with the Humane Society. It took week and a half to finally get in, but after looking at Alex's arm, their surgeon said that the arm was "not compatible with long term survival" and agreed to amputate it... in two weeks.

That was the longest two weeks of my life.

Every day that thing on his elbow grew bigger and bigger. In the final week, it started to split open. It looked like something out of a horror movie. The outer layer of skin died off and eventually I had to cut the hard chunk of dried flesh off with scissors. Fortunately the antibiotics prescribed by the second vet kept the wound site free from infection.

And through all of this, Alex was still Alex. He just kept on living his life like nothing was wrong. Even with that thing on his arm, he still walked normal, climbed up and down the stairs, jumped on the bed, table, dresser, et cetera. Part of me knew this cat was gonna make it, but part of me was scared that his arm was going to go septic and Alex would die.

I felt relieved on the day of the surgery. We made it through to this day! Alex would be a tripod, but he was going to live! I dropped Alex off at the Human Society and went to work expecting to pick him up between 4:00 pm and 5:00 pm.

My phone rang a little before noon. The voice on the other end informed me that the surgery had gone fine, and they didn't notice anything wrong during the procedure, but in the recovery room, Alex's heart rate began to drop, he went non-responsive, and his pupils dilated. The surgeon explained that sometimes a blood clot will break free during the surgery and make its way into the brain. Alex had had a stroke. There was nothing more they could do.

Moments later, Alex died.

Usually I show off pictures of Gail here, (she's doing find by the way). Gail is a fun dog who loves to constantly run and play, but Alex was the one that I could really count on for affection. He would hop up on my chest when I was resting in my recliner and purr. He would be there at the door to greet me when I came home. He would keep me company when I pooped. He would wake me in the morning, and insist I gave him a thorough petting before I went to sleep at night. He talked to me with his incessant meows, and made sure I never left the house without filling the food and water bowls. Alex loved to get his "full kitty massage" complete with belly rubs, and he was the kind of cat that would walk up and headbutt me to let me know I was his as much as he was mine.

The house feels so empty without him now.

I miss you Alex,
-f2x
July 2025

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What is Flush Twice?

Flush Twice has been around since May of 2003. It started out as a JOTD (Joke of the Day) website. New jokes were published every weekday. Over the years, good jokes were increasingly hard to come by, and eventually they got so rare that I just stopped trying to publish them.

Since 2004 there has also been an eponymous comic. I still occasionally publish a new one on Saturdays. It’s also rare anymore, but sometimes it happens.

Here lately I’ve been posting a “Link of the Day”. For the time being, I will be featuring a new website from my enormous collection of bookmarked websites every weekday. None of it is solicited promotions, and no one is paying me to feature their site. These are just websites that at one time I thought were interesting enough to add to my bookmarks folder.

I highly encourage using some kind of ad blocking extension before clicking on any of these links. You’ll also hear me say this phrase a lot about these posts: “They can’t all be winners.” But it’s better than just leaving the site abandoned.

The jokes were generously provided by friends and visitors such as yourself. I want to express my eternal thanks to everyone over the years who helped contribute to the collection.

So what is it that makes a joke funny?

It all boils down to a sudden shift in perception. The story starts you thinking one way, then the punchline turns that thinking on its ear. The art of the joke is to craft a short story that isn’t overly contrived, then deliver a punchline that suddenly shifts your perception about the story you were being told.

Many of the jokes on this site are offensive, and I make no apologies for it. Offensive jokes work by making the reader uncomfortable through the use of a taboo subject thus enhancing the underlying humor. Without the offensive element, the joke would simply not be as funny.

(Just thought you might like to know.)
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Another Collection of Adult Jokes

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Gail’s Sunday Pic

Sunday, June 29, 2025

GET THE PLUNGER!

Yes, it’s a usable search function! Try it!

Warning: Offensive Content

This content may be considered too offensive for general audiences.