As a teenager I had a summer job pumping gas.

One week an older guy drove up and said he wanted a fill-up. Then he got out of the car with an umbrella, opened it, and followed me around as I worked, holding the umbrella over my head to keep the sun off me. I awkwardly thanked him as he paid his tab and drove away.

A week later, he came back for a fill up. Again, he got out of the car with the umbrella and opened it, but this time he just stood there watching me work. I asked, “So you’re not gonna use that to keep the sun off me this time?” and he retorted, “Watch it, young man. Fuel me once, shade on you. Fuel me twice, shade on me!”

— T.O.R.

Sunday, May 15, 2022

It’s not COVID

For the past 3 days I’ve been sick as a dog. I did that “at home” test they send you in the mail, and it was negative, so I guess I don’t have to quarantine. I just stepped out of the shower, so for the moment I’m experiencing some relief from the congestion.

If you noticed the picture up above, that’s my new car. It’s a 2022 Kia Niro EV, and it’s been jinxed. Since I got it, it’s already been in a wreck and had a flat tire. Hopefully I’ll be getting the car repaired in a week or two. It needs a new lift gate and the rear bumper needs repainted. I don’t know what the deal was with the tire. It just started going flat, but that was an easy fix.

After I bought this new car, I sold my Leaf. The dealership I bought my Kia from tried to lowball me on the trade, so I took it to the Kelley Blue Book website. Believe it or not, I sold it for over $1000 more than I originally paid for it. The dealer then tacked on another five grand to sell it on their lot. I’ve been watching my old Leaf on the Autotrader site. It’s a nice car, and I really hope it sells soon. (* Just checked. and it’s gone already!)

So yeah, this Niro is a fully electric vehicle (BEV). It’s amazing how many times I’ve had to explain to people that you cannot put gasoline in it. It has an advertised range of 239 miles on a full charge, and more or less, that’s what it gets. I’ve been limiting my charge to 80% and it easily gets around 200 miles of range. I charge it about twice a week.

One of my favorite aspects of this car is when you turn on the lane keep, lane follow, and adaptive cruise control while going down the highway. It’s not quite self-driving, but it’s pretty damn close. When traveling along a well marked road, I only have to occasionally bump the back of my steering wheel with my knee to keep the system active, and most of the time I can just relax and enjoy the ride. You actually can install Comma.ai with Openpilot on this car to get an even more robust self-driving effect.


Kudos

So it’s the strangest thing… Someone or something keeps posting stuff that’s not jokes to the submission page. They are surreal word salads that don’t make any sense. I’m just guessing it’s some sort of bot and added a challenge question to the submission page to try to block them. There is, however, one actual joke for this week. Thank you, TOR.

Pax,

-f2x

A reporter is doing a piece on how Uk farmers release sexual frustration

A reporter is doing a piece on how Uk farmers release sexual frustration .

He starts in Scotland. He goes to the first farm and asks the farmer. “How do you release your sexual frustration?”

The farmer replies “I fuck one of my sheep. Their pussy is very like a woman’s.”

Reporter :- “And do you have a special technique?”

Farmer :- “Sure! I lead them to the dyke, put the back legs in mee wellies and the front legs over the dyke then take it from behind.”

The reporter thanks the farmer and moves on to Wales

Again he asks the farmer “How do you release your sexual frustration?”

The farmer replies “I fuck one of my sheep.”

The reporter asks what his technique is and the farmer replies. “I lead them to the fence, I put the back legs in mah wellies and the front legs over the fence then take I fuck it from behind.”

Again The reporter thanks the farmer and moves on to England.

The same first question is asked and the farmer also replies that he fucks his sheep

The reporter asks what his technique is and is told. “I lead them to the field’s gate, put the back legs in my wellingtons and the front legs over the gate , I can then take it from behind.”

Again The reporter thanks the farmer and moves on to Ireland and the conversation goes like this

Reporter:- “How do you release your sexual frustration?”

Farmer:- “To be sure, I fuck one of my sheep I do.”

Reporter:- “And what is your favourite technique?”

Farmer:- “Well I gets the sheep and ah pit it’s back legs in ma bitts an’ the front legs owner ma shudders then I fuck it.

Reporter: “Wow! That’s really interesting, farmers in Scotland, Wales and England all say they put the front legs over a wall, fence or gate.”

“WHAT???” Says the farmer. “Nae kissin’ ??”

— T.O.R.

Dear Diary,

Dear Diary,

For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.

Although I am still in great shape since playing football 24 yrs ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

Called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer named Vanessa, who identified herself as a 26 year old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.

My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress

MONDAY:

Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Vanessa waiting for me. She was something of a Greek goddess with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!! Vanessa gave me a tour and showed me the machines. She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobics outfit. Very inspiring, Vanessa was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

TUESDAY:

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out of the door. Vanessa made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air, and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Vanessa’s rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It’s a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY:

The only way that I can brush my teeth is by laying on the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both breasts. Driving was OK as long as I didn’t try to steer or stop. Vanessa was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so Vanessa put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Vanessa told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other shit too.

THURSDAY:

Vanessa was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn’t help being a half an hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Vanessa took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men’s room. She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine.

FRIDAY:

I hate that bitch Vanessa more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anaemic little cheerleader. If there were a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Vanessa wanted me to work on my triceps – I don’t have any triceps! And if you don’t want dents in the floor, don’t hand me the Barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn’t it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

SATURDAY:

Vanessa left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my fist. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Shopping Channel.

SUNDAY:

I’m having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year, my wife (the bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun — like a root canal or a vasectomy.

– T.O.R.