Helicopter Ride

Walter took his wife Ethel to the state fair every year, and every time he would say to her, “Ethel, you know that I’d love to go for a ride in that helicopter.” But Ethel would always reply, “I know that Walter, but that helicopter ride is 50 dollars and 50 dollars is 50 dollars.”
Finally, they went to the fair, and Walter said to Ethel, “Ethel, you know I’m 87 years old now. If I don’t ride that helicopter this year, I may never get another chance.” Once again Ethel replied, “Walter, you know that helicopter is 50 dollars and 50 dollars is 50 dollars.”
This time the helicopter pilot overheard the couple’s conversation and said, “Listen folks, I’ll make a deal with you. I’ll take both of you for a ride; if you can both stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word I won’t charge you! But if you say just one word, it’s 50 dollars.”
Walter and Ethel agreed and up they went in the helicopter. The pilot performed all kinds of fancy moves and tricks, but not a word was said by either Walter or Ethel.
The pilot did his death-defying tricks over and over again, but still there wasn’t so much as one word said.
When they finally landed, the pilot turned to Walter and said, “Wow! I’ve got to hand it to you. I did everything I could to get you to scream or shout out, but you didn’t. I’m really impressed!”
Walter replied, “Well to be honest I almost said something when Ethel fell out but, you know, 50 dollars is 50 dollars!”

Husband and Wife Correspondence

To My Dearest Wife,
During the past year, I have attempted to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of only once every 10 days. The following is a list of why I didn’t succeed more often:
We will wake the kids – 54 times
It’s too late – 15 times
I’m too tired – 42 times
It’s too early – 12 times
It’s too hot – 18 times
Pretending to be asleep – 31 times
The neighbors will hear – 9 times
Headache or backache – 26 times
Sunburn – 10 times
Your mother will hear us – 9 times
Not in the mood – 21 times
Watching the late show – 17 times
Too sore – 26 times
New hairdo – 6 times
Wrong time of the month – 14 times
You had to go to the bathroom – 19 times
Of the 36 times that I DID succeed, the result was not always satisfying because 6 times you just laid there, 8 times you reminded me that there was a crack in the ceiling, 4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with, 7 times I had to wake you up to tell you I was finished, and once I was afraid that I had hurt you because you started thrashing around and breathing heavy. Let’s try to improve this, shall we??
Love, Your Hubby
To My Dearest Husband,
I think things are a little confused. Here are the REAL reasons you didn’t get more than you did this past year:
Came home drunk and tried to screw the cat – 23 times
Did not come home at all – 36 times
Did not come – 21 times
Came too soon – 38 times
Went soft before you got it in – 19 times
Cramps in your leg – 16 times
Working too late – 33 times
You had a rash, probably from a toilet seat – 29 times
Caught yourself in your zipper – 15 times
You had a cold and your nose kept running – 21 times
You had burned your tongue on hot coffee – 9 times
You had a splinter in your finger – 11 times
You lost the notion after thinking about it – 42 times
Came in your pajamas after reading a dirty book – 16 times
The reason I laid still was because you had missed me and were screwing the sheet. You seemed to be having a good time and I didn’t want to move and spoil it for you. I wasn’t talking about the crack in the ceiling. What I said was, “Would you like me on my back or kneeling?” The time I was thrashing around and gasping was when you farted and I was fighting for air. Maybe you can work on your “shortcomings?”🙂

Sunday, December 12, 2021

Big Auto is Big Bullshit

I am really starting to hate the automotive industry. So much of it is a racket, and here’s a little secret: A large part of what you pay for when you buy a car is production scrap. That’s a little fact they fucking hate, but it’s the truth. Ironically, a lot of the scrap is created because of stupid policies so they can claim they’re being “responsible” or “sustainable” or “going green” or whatever buzzword they think will get them a promotion. It really is funny how car executives are so concerned about their image, but they never seem to realize that their narcissism is not very attractive either.

Every month the scrap rate is too high, the production numbers are too low, 12 hour shifts are the norm, burn-out is an understatement, people come, people go, and the pricks calling the shots keep blaming “lazy” workers. It’s funny just how far they will shove their own heads up their asses to avoid the blindingly obvious. Rushing people, overworking them, and deliberately trying to make their work environment uncomfortable because some psycho-dipshit convinced them it would improve productivity… It is all so incredibly myopic and stupid, I would not have believed it, had I not witnessed this farcical nonsense in person.

The amount of waste created by LEAN, Kaisan, Five S, and “the like” is a disgrace, and let me be clear, it is all a fraud. No matter what they tell you, the ideas still come from the top down. If they give credit to someone on the line it was only because they were toeing that line while someone higher up had already been musing the idea all along. The thinking goes that it would look more down to earth if one of their “epsilons” got the credit. In reality, it looks depressingly stilted and forced.

And the saddest part is, they can’t even build the fucking cars anymore. Have you seen the new car lots lately? Pickin’s are fucking slim, folks! They keep blaming it on the chip shortage, and yeah, there is a bottleneck there, but there is far more to this car shortage than a lack of Taiwan microchips. Think about it: After covid hit, industry developed and distributed hundreds of millions of doses of a new type of vaccine based on mRNA that requires only the most sophisticated technology that the world has ever known, but for some reason, they can’t make the fucking computer chips needed to drive a car?



OK, well I hope you enjoyed my little angry rant. I just want to say thanks to whoever for putting in a couple of jokes. I went ahead and queued them up for Monday and Tuesday. As always, the submission page is at your disposal.

Also I want to mention that I am still basically on “hiatus”. That just means that for the foreseeable future, updates will continue to be far and few between.