Monthly Archives: January 2015

An old man was sitting at the bar quietly having a drink. A young man came in and sat a few stools down. After ordering his drink he tried to start some conversation with the old curmudgeon. “You know,” he started off, “Humans have two ears, and only one mouth.”
“So what?” grunted the old guy.
“Well, I think that’s because we’re supposed to listen more and talk less,” the young man proclaimed.
Realizing this guy was an empty talker the old man remarked, “You know, humans also have two legs but only one head.”
“Why yes we do,” said the young man.
“So why don’t you think less and fuck off.”

Happy New Year.
As another year passes by, I realize just how old I’ve started to get.
I’m so old:
… I remember what it was like before the good old days.
… I knew the First of the Mohicans.
… my first beer was a New Milwaukee.
… when I was a boy Mad Magazine was only slightly peeved.
… undertakers think I’m an escapee.
… Abraham Lincoln’s school was named after me.
… AARP stopped sending me renewal notices.
… I broke the fountain of youth when I stuck my toe in it.
… I spent my college spring breaks partying in Sodom with Gomorrah.
… everything I buy has a lifetime guarantee.
… that’s not hair on my head, it’s mold.
… I remember when the Garden of Eden was just a vacant lot.
… my dreams are sepia toned.
… monkeys evolved from me.
… I creak when I blink.
… my library card says “Alexandria.”
… when I order a 3 minute egg they ask for the money up front.”