Monthly Archives: October 2014

I wish you were a door so I could bang you all day long.
(Lick finger and wipe on her shirt) Let’s get you out of these wet clothes.
Nice legs…what time do they open?
Do you work for UPS? I thought I saw you checking out my package.
You’ve got 206 bones in your body. Would you like another one?
Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?
I may not be the best looking guy in here, but I’m the only one talking to you.
I’m a bird watcher looking for a Big Breasted Bed Thrasher. Have you seen one?
I’m fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on earth tonight.
Wanna play army? I’ll lay down and you can blow the hell outta me.
Oh, I’m sorry, I thought you were wearing a braille name tag.
I’d really like to see how you look when I’m naked.
Is that a ladder in your stockings or the stairway the heaven?
You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.
If it’s true that we are what we eat, then I could be you by morning.
Well It’s not going to suck itself.
You know, if I were you, I’d have sex with me.
You. Me. Whipped cream. Handcuffs. Any questions?
Those clothes would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor.
Hi, I’m Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me.
My friend wants to know if you think I’m cute.”
Hi, the voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you.
My name isn’t Elmo, but you can tickle me anytime you want to.
I know milk does a body good, but DAMN, how much have you been drinking?
If you were the last woman and I was the last man on earth, I bet we could do it in public.
Do you sleep on your stomach? Can I???

A man appears before the pearly gates. St. Peter leafed through the big book to see if the guy is worthy of entering. Saint Peter goes through the book several times, furrows his brow, “You know, I can’t see that you did anything really good in your life but, you never did anything bad either. Tell you what, if you can tell me of one REALLY good deed that you did in your life, you’re in.”
The guy thinks for a moment and says, “Yeah, there was this one time when I was driving down the highway and I saw a gang of KKK biker sadists assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on. There were about 50 of them torturing this chick. Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked straight up to the leader of the gang. He was a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear. As I walked up to the leader, the gang formed a circle around me. So, I ripped the leader’s chain off his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, ‘Leave this poor, innocent girl alone, you slime! You’re all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!'”
St. Peter’s eye grew wide and said, “Really? When did this happen?”
“About ten minutes ago.”

The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked Murphy in the eye and said, “I’ve some bad news for you. You have cancer and it can’t be cured. I’d give you two weeks to a month.”
Murphy shocked and saddened by the news, managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor’s office into the waiting room. There he saw his son who had been waiting. Murphy said, “Son, we Irish celebrate when things are good and celebrate when things don’t go so well. In this case, things aren’t so well. I have cancer, and I’ve been given a short time to live. Let’s head for the pub and have a few pints.”
After three or four pints the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of Murphy’s old friends who asked what the two were celebrating. Murphy told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad. He went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end. He told his friends “I’ve only got a few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed with AIDS.”
The friends gave Murphy their condolences and bought a couple rounds of beers. After his friends left, Murphy’s son leaned over and whispered, “Dad I thought you said that you were dying from cancer, but you just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS.”
Murphy said, “I am dying from cancer son, I just don’t want any of them sleeping with your mother after I’m gone.”

When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea.
No sooner were the papers delivered when a good friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, “You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea.”
“I nursed him night and day, so of course I know he died of diarrhea,” replied the widow, “but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big poop he always was.”

A 6-year-old and a 4-year-old are upstairs in their bedroom. “You know what?” says the 6-year-old. “I think it’s about time we start cussing.”
The 4-year-old nods his head in approval.
The 6-year-old continues. “When we go downstairs for breakfast I’m going to say “hell” and you say “ass.”
“OK!” The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
Their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6-year-old what he wants for breakfast.
“Aw hell, Mom, I guess I’ll have some Cheerios.”
WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear every step. The Mom locks him in his room and shouts “You can just stay there till I let you out!” She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4-year-old, and asks with a stern voice, “And what do YOU want for breakfast young man?”
“I don’t know,” he blubbers, “But you can bet your fat ass it won’t be Cheerios.”

A blond was shopping at Wal*Mart and came across a shiny silver thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and brought it over to the clerk to ask what it was.
The clerk said, “Why, that’s a thermos. It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold.”
“Wow,” said the blond, “that’s amazing. I’m going to buy it!”
So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day. Her boss, also a blond, saw it on her desk. “What’s that?” he asked.
“Why, that’s a thermos. It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold,” she replied.
“Wow, that’s amazing,” said the boss, “what do you have in it?”
“Two Popsicles and some coffee.”

A little boy was doing his homework. He said to himself, “Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine.”
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, “What are you doing?”
The little boy answered, “I’m doing my math homework, Mom.”
“And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?” the mother asked.
“Yes,” he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, “What are you teaching my son in math?”
The teacher replied, “Right now, we are learning addition.”
The mother asked, “And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?”
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, “What I taught them was, two plus two, the sum of which, is four.”

The mother was currently in the third trimester of her second child when her first born came up and hugged her belly.
“Mommy,” asked her curious 3 year old, “Are you getting fat?”
“Honey,” explained the weary mother, “we’ve discussed this already. Mommy is pregnant and your baby brother is growing in my tummy.”
“I know, Mommy,” said the little darling, “but what’s growing in your butt?”

A misbehaving young boy is sent to bed early by his father. Five minutes later the child called out, “Da-a-a-ad!”
“What?”
“I’m thirsty. Can you bring me a glass of water?”
“No. You had your chance. Lights out.”
Five minutes later: “Da-aaaad!”
“What?!”
“I’m thirsty! Can I have a glass of water?”
“I told you NO!” If you ask again, I’ll spank you!!”
Five minutes later: “Daaaa-aaaad!”
“What?!”
“When you come in to spank me, can you bring a glass of water?”

Dear Tide,
I’m writing to say what an excellent product you have. I’ve used it since the beginning of married life, when my mom told me it was the best. In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My husband started to berate me about my drinking problem. One thing led to another and I ended up with a lot of his blood on my white blouse as well. I tried to get the stain out using a bargain detergent, but it just wouldn’t come out.
After a quick trip out, I stopped and got a bottle of liquid Tide with bleach alternative, and all of the stains came out! They came out so well, in fact, that the DNA tests were negative! I thank you, once again, for a great product.
Well, gotta go. I have to write a letter to the Hefty bag people.
Sincerely,
-Mary