Monthly Archives: January 2014

A very successful attorney parked his brand new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he was getting out, a truck came along too closely and completely tore off the driver’s door. Fortunately, a cop in a police car was close enough to see the accident and pulled up behind the Lexus with his lights flashing.
Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the attorney started screaming hysterically about how his Lexus, which he had just purchased the day before, was completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how any car body shop tried to make it new again.
After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disbelief. “I can’t believe how materialistic you lawyers are,” he said. “You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life.”
“How can you say such a thing?” asked the lawyer.
The cop replied, “Don’t you even realize that your left arm is missing? It was severed when the truck hit you!”
“OH, MY GOD!!!” screamed the lawyer. “My Rolex!”

Frank always looked on the bright side. He would constantly irritate his friends with his eternal optimism. No matter how horrible the circumstance, he would always reply, “It could have been worse.” To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a situation so completely bad, so terrible, that even Frank could find no hope in it.
On the golf course one day, one of them said, “Frank, did you hear about Tom? He came home last night, found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both and then turned the gun on himself!”
“That’s awful,” said Frank, “But it could have been worse.”
“How in the hell,” asked his bewildered friend, “Could it have been worse?”
“Well,” replied Frank, “If it happened the night before, I’d be dead now!”

Here’s a bunch of great short puns to kick off the New Year!
I tried to catch some fog. I mist.
When chemists die, they barium.
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore.
I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.
I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
They told me I had type A blood, but it was a type-O.
This dyslexic man walks into a bra.
I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
A cross-eyed teacher lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils.
When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
What does a clock do when it’s hungry? It goes back four seconds.
I wondered why the ball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!
Broken pencils are pointless.
What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
I took the job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
Velcro – what a rip off!
Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.