It’s New Year’s Eve! Happy 2012!

Mary left to go to her job as a waitress at the local bar on New Year’s eve. On her way there she dropped a coin in a beggar’s cup. The beggar transformed into a magical genie and said, “At the stroke of midnight you will be granted one wish. Use it wisely.” The genie then vanished into a puff of smoke.

Slightly shaken, Mary continued on her way. When she arrived the bar was very noisy and filled with a lot of men, but very few women. She also noticed that almost all of them had on their wedding rings. “How sad,” she thought, “that these men are not home with their wives to celebrate the New Year.

As she waited on the tables she grew more and more disappointed that they were out celebrating without their wives. As the clock struck midnight she made her wish, “I wish all these men were standing next to the one person who makes their miserable existence bearable!”

The bartender was immediately crushed to death.

An optimist stays up to see the New Year in.  A pessimist waits to make sure the old one leaves.  –Bill Vaughan

Rape Jokes

So who here wants to play a game of rape?
No? That’s the spirit!

I called that Rape Advice Line earlier today.
Unfortunately, it’s only for victims.

If you have sex with a prostitute without her permission, is it rape… or shoplifting?

Yesterday, I told my coworker a joke about rape and he said, “If you think making jokes about rape is funny then you’re wrong. My wife got raped and trust me, it’s not funny.”
Feeling slightly ashamed, I said, “Sorry. When did this happen?”
“Last week,” he replied.
I paused for a moment and asked, “Behind the bus station?”
He said, “Yeah. Why?”
“Er… no reason.”

When people ask me what I do, I tell them I test rape alarms.
It sounds better than saying I’m a rapist.

Two white guys were walking past a Police Station.
A big poster at the front reads “Two black men wanted for rape!”
One guy turns to the other and says “Those bastards always get the best jobs”.

Me and six friends were sitting in a room; we got onto the subject of rape.
The only girl in the room said, “I’ve often wondered if I’m strong enough to stop someone trying to rape me.”
Turns out she’s not.

How do you stop a rape?

What has eight legs and makes women scream?
Gang rape!

I asked my girlfriend if she wanted to hear my latest rape joke.
She said no, but I just went ahead and told her anyway.

In an argument with my girlfriend yesterday, she shouted at me:
“Stop making jokes about rape! How do you think the women feel?
“Depends on the girth,” was probably not the best response.

A woman runs into a police station shouting, “Grape! Grape!”
The cop says, “Don’t you mean rape, ma’am?”
The woman says, “No, there were bunch of them!”

Last night I stopped a woman in the park and said, “Give me your purse before I rape you.”
She instantly handed me her purse and said, “Take it.”
I said, “Thanks for co-operating, sometimes after I’ve raped a woman I feel guilty about taking her purse.”

If you ever want to get away with rape, simply hire a wolf outfit from a fancy dress shop.
On the first night tap on a young girl’s window, and before her parents come, run away and hide.
On the second night, repeat.
On the third night, STRIKE – no one will ever believe her.

I am a male prostitute.
I say that, but really I just rape women and steal their money.

What do you do after you rape a 12 year old deaf dumb and blind girl?
Brake her fingers so she cant tell her mom.

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he’s in there, the husband tells his wife: “Listen, this guy’s an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck.” If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll k*ll us. Be strong, honey. I love you.” To which his wife responds: “He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!”