So we’re here at Ft. Dix, and an Army buddy of mine goes in for a pizza with me. As I’m eating it, I thought, “Not bad”. He folded his napkin in half, laid it next to a slice and said, “Aw hell no!” The pizza was literally thinner than the folded napkin.
Maybe I’m wrong, but it just seems that businesses around military installations tend to rip off service members. Our schedules are stretched so thin that we never have time to go back to complain when shitty service happens. Since new service members keep coming through on a regular basis, the businesses never really build up a reputations and can perpetually get away with being shitty for profit.
A city slicker went to the country to buy a pig. When he approached the pig farmer, he asked
for a 25 pound pig. The pig farmer put the pig’s tail in his mouth and bobbed his head up and down. He then told the city slicker that the pig was too heavy – it was 30 pounds.
The city slicker told the farmer he didn’t believe that was the way to weigh pigs.
The farmer called his son over and asked him to weigh the pig. The son put the pig’s tail in his mouth, bobbed his head a couple of times and said the pig weighed 30 pounds.
The city slicker said the farmer and his son were putting him on. The farmer told his son to go get his mother and have her come out and weigh the pig.
The son went into the house and after a few minutes came out telling the father that the mother was busy weighing the mailman.
So I'm working this weekend... And next weekend... And every weekend in the foreseeable future. There is no end in site. I really don't know how I'm going to handle it. I can barely handle 5 days a week, so this will be quite a challenge.
It's gonna be rough, but if I manage to hang in there, the overtime/double-time will be enough to fund my increasing addiction to the stock market. Maybe if I can squirrel enough money into the right stocks, I might be able to bootstrap a retirement plan that doesn't include me working till the day I die.
But then again, I'm pretty sure that once I buy a stock, someone on Wall Street makes a call and tells another guy, and then the word gets around, then they all agree in solidarity to just let that particular stock drop like a brick, just so I can never get ahead. In fact the CEO and Board of Directors for any stock I buy will also decide to scuttle their companies, and thus ensure that I never make fucking dime doing this shit.
Maybe I can use this curse to my advantage. Bezos, if you're listening, I swear to god I will buy every share of Amazon I can get my grubby little mitts on until the value of your company goes into the negative! To keep me from buying your stock and effectively forcing you to live on cat food for your remaining years, please send me one MILLION dollars! Mwaa-ha-ha-ha-hah!
I'm so sick of working all the time.
Of course a big shout out to my big homie, Big D, who came at me with 5 fantastic jokes for this week. Of course I'm only assuming it's Big D because the submission page is kind of anonymous. Full disclosure: it records your IP address, so I can check that against an IP lookup site to see what ISP owns the IP address, but I can't really tell who anyone actually is. I just assume it's Big D because its coming from and ISP out of Cincy.
Oh, and the IP address is overwritten after the joke gets officially scheduled, so it's not like there's any incriminating evidence left from submitting a joke. Try it today! Everyone will be glad you did!
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