A farmer walked into a drug store and said to the Pharmacist, “I want me one of them thar condoms with pesticides on it. Where do I find ’em?”
The pharmacist replied, “Oh sir, you must mean that you want the condoms with SPERMICIDE, not pesticide. They’re on aisle 4.”
“No, no, I want me them thar condoms with PESTICIDE on it,” growled the farmer.
“Sir,” said the pharmacist, exasperated from explaining, “PESTICIDE is for killing insects, SPERMICIDE is for killing sperm. I’m sure that you mean spermicide instead of pesticide.”
“Listen here, ” argued the farmer, “I want condoms with PESTICIDE on them. My wife’s got a bug up her ass, and I aim to kill it!”
Note: These have all been around for a while, and I have no citations as to whether they are correctly attributed, but I thought these would be fun.
Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.”
“Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
“There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL.”
“Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.”
“Sex is one of the nine reasons for incarnation.
The other eight are unimportant.”
“Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.”
“My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.”
“Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is.”
Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady, and you didn’t think Barbara had a sense of humor)
“Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.”
“Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.”
“According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful.”
Robert De Niro
“There’s a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what’s the problem?”
“There’s very little advice in men’s magazines because men think, ‘I know what I’m doing. Just show me somebody naked !'”
“See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.”
“It’s been so long since I’ve had sex, I’ve forgotten who ties up whom.”
“Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy.”
“You don’t appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for later in life.”
“Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.”
“It isn’t premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married.”