Sunday, April 10, 2016

Please Do Not Consume Raw Cookie Dough

So I’m shopping at my local grocery when I got a sudden hankering for fresh made chocolate chip cookies. Keep in mind the store is pumping delicious aromas into my nostrils. My left brain kicks in and says: “Cookies in the bakery are too expensive.” OK, so that’s out… How about the cookie isle? “They taste terrible compared to the real deal!” says the right brain. So what about making them from scratch? The right and left brain thought about it for a moment before unanimously shouting “No!” with the right brain objecting to a lack of immediate gratification, and the left pointing out that I’ll probably just eat all the chips before I ever get around to making the cookie dough.

Pre-made cookie dough! What about a tube of cookie dough?

The left brain was trying to say something about the cost when the right brain threw a heavy blanket over the left hemisphere while jumping up and down shouting “Get it! Get it! Get it! It’s on sale! Get it!”

Don’t remind me that I’m already waaaay too fat as it is… I bought the cookie dough and took it home. “preheat oven to 350…” I got the cookie sheet out of the oven and began to prepare for this evening’s gluttony. Along the way I noticed that a serving size is one (1) cookie. One fucking cookie?! Aw come on! I could eat a dozen before reaching for a glass of milk… OK, so how many servings in this “tube”? I could scarcely believe the pitifully low number: 16. That’s it… Sixteen cookies in a tube. Oh well… My cookie sheet only holds 14 cookies anyway. The last two blobs of uncooked dough are for my troubles.

And then I read it… “Please do not consume raw cookie dough.”

My shit day has already been shitty enough, and now I’m faced with this plea to not consume the product in what is arguably it’s tastiest form.

When did they start putting that shit on there? As if eating a pile of chocolate chip cookies is a healthy food choice to begin with. Who are these people to tell me how to live my life after providing me with a foodstuff that (baked on not) is essentially a tube of diabetes?

My job sucks. My day sucked. My life sucks. Fuck you. I’m eating the raw cookie dough.


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