A man came home from work and found his three children outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and 20 wrappers strewn all about the front yard.

The door of his wife’s car was open, and so was the front door to the house. There was no sign of the dog.

Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.

In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was smeared across the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food spilled on the floor, a broken glass under the table, and a small pile of sand was sitting by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she might be ill or something even more serious.

He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door. As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys thrown over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and tooth paste had been smeared over the mirror and walls.

As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel.

She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went.

He looked at her bewildered and asked, “What happened here today?”

She again smiled and answered, “You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world I do all day?”

“Yes,” was his incredulous reply.

She answered, “Well, today I didn’t do it.”

A golfer in a competitive match needed to shave off a few strokes. The golfer said to himself, “I’d give anything to sink this next putt.”

A stranger walked up to him and whispered, “Would you give up a fourth of your sex life?”

The golfer thought the man was crazy and that his answer would be meaningless. At the same time he thought, what the heck? So he said to the stranger, “Okay,” and sank the putt.

Two holes later he mumbled to himself, “Boy, if I could only get an eagle on this hole.”

The same stranger moved to his side and said, “Would it be worth another fourth of your sex life?”

The golfer shrugged and said, “Sure,” and amazingly, he made an eagle.

On the final hole, the golfer needs yet another eagle to win. Though he says nothing, the stranger moved to his side and said, “Would you be willing to give up the rest of your sex life to win this match?”

The golfer said, “Absolutely!” He made the eagle and won the competition.

As the golfer walked to the club house, the stranger walked alongside and said, “You know, I have not been fair with you because you do not know who I am. For you see, I am the devil, and from now on you will have no sex life.”

“Nice to meet you, devil,” said the golfer. “And by the way, my name is Father O’Malley!”

The Montana Department of Labor suspected a rancher was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.

“I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,” demanded the agent.

“Well,” replied the farmer, “there’s my farm hand who’s been with me for 3 years. I pay him $350 a week plus he gets free room and board.

“The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $300 per week plus free room and board.

“Then there’s the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $15 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.”

“That’s the guy I want to talk to… the half-wit,” said the agent.

“That would be me,” replied the rancher.

A minister wasn’t sure about how to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building.

During the meeting with the organist the minister asked about what kind of inspirational music she could play after the announcement about the finances to get the congregation in a giving mood.

“Don’t worry,” she said. “I’ll think of something.”

During the service, the minister paused and said, “Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected, and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up.”

Just at that moment, the organist started playing, “The Star Spangled Banner.”

“Look, Johnny,” said the coach, “I’ve taught you the principles of good sportsmanship. You understand that the Little League doesn’t allow temper tantrums, shouting at the umpire, or abusive language, right?”

Little Johnny nodded, “Yes sir, I understand.”

“Good. Now, would you please explain it to your father?”

A 747 was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and prepare for an emergency landing.

A moment later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.

“All set back here, Captain,” came the reply, “except for some lawyer who is still going around passing out business cards.”

Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert.

Congress said, “Someone may steal from it at night.” So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job.

Then Congress said, “How does the watchman do his job without instruction?” So they created a planning department and hired two people, one person to write the instructions, and one person to do time studies.

Then Congress said, “How will we know the night watchman is doing his tasks correctly?” So they created the Quality Control Department and hired two people. One to do the studies and one to write the reports.

Then Congress said, “How are these people going to get paid?” So they created a time keeper and a payroll officer position, then hired two people for the roles.

Then Congress said, “Who will be accountable for all of these people?” So they created an administrative section and hired three people: An Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary.

Then Congress said, “We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $18,000 over budget, we must cut back on overall cost.”

So they laid off the night watchman.

A man went on vacation to Jerusalem with his wife and mother-in-law. While they were there, the mother-in-law died.

The undertaker explained that they could ship the body back home, but that it will cost many thousands of dollars. On the other hand, they could inter her in Jerusalem for much, much less.

The man bluntly replied, “We’ll ship her home.”

The undertaker pressed, “Are you sure? That’s an awfully big expense, and we can do a very nice burial here.”

The man said, “Look, 2000 years ago they buried a guy here and three days later he rose from the dead. That’s a chance I’m just not willing to take.”

One night, a drunk came stumbling into a bar and said to the bartender, “Drinks for all on me, including you, bartender.”

So the bartender poured everyone and himself a round, but then the drunk admitted that he had no money. Incensed by the revelation, the bartender roughed up the drunk and threw him out.

The next night the same drunk came in again and ordered drinks for everyone in the bar including the bartender. Again the bartender poured the drinks, and again the drunk said he didn’t have the money. So the bartender roughed him up worse than before and threw him out.

On the third night the drunk came back and order drinks for everyone except the bartender.

“What, no drink for me?” replied the bartender.

“Absolutely not!” said the drunk. “You get violent when you drink.”