During a routine traffic stop, the state trooper asked the little old lady for her driver’s license, registration, and proof of insurance. The elderly woman took out the required information and handed it to the officer.

Within the cards she handed the trooper, there was a concealed carry permit. The officer was a little surprised but followed the protocol. He asked if she had a weapon in her possession at the present time.

The old woman responded that she indeed had a .45 automatic in her glove box, a 9mm Glock in her center console, and a .38 special in her purse.

Taken aback by the old lady’s arsenal, he asked her what was she so afraid of.

The old woman looked him right in the eye and said, “Not a damn thing!”

A unit commander noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up various pieces of paper that he found lying around, frown and say, “That’s not it” and put them down again.

This went on for some time, until the commander arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested.

The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out a recommendation for discharge from the army.

The soldier picked it up, smiled and said, “That’s it.”

A family had twin boys whose only resemblance to each other was their looks. Opposite in every other way, one was an eternal optimist, while the other a dismal pessimist.

It was the twins’ 9th birthday. Just to see what would happen the father loaded the pessimist’s room with every imaginable toy and game. In the optimist’s room he loaded it with a pile of horse manure.

Later that night, the father passed by the pessimist’s room and found him sitting amid his new gifts crying sorrowfully.

“Why are you crying?” the father asked.

“Because my friends will be jealous, I’ll have to read all these instructions before I can do anything with this stuff, I’ll constantly need batteries, and my toys will eventually get broken,” cried the unhappy pessimist.

Passing the optimist twin’s room a moment later, the father found the boy dancing for joy in the pile of manure.

“What are you so happy about?” he asked.

His optimist son replied, “I figure there’s got to be a pony in here somewhere!”

While trying to get ahold of an associate over the phone, the caller was greeted by a child whispering, “Hello.”

“Is your Daddy home?” he asked.

“Yes,” whispered the small voice.

“May I talk with him?”

The child whispered, “No.”

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the man asked, “Is your Mommy there?”

“Yes.”

“May I talk with her?”

Again the small voice whispered, “No.”

Hoping there was someone with whom he could leave a message, the man asked, “Is anyone else there?”

“Yes,” whispered the child, “a policeman.”

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his associate’s home, the man asked, “May I speak with the policeman?”

“No, he’s busy,” whispered the child.

“Busy doing what?”

“Talking to Mommy and Daddy and the Fireman,” came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise through the earpiece on the phone, the man asked, “What is that noise?”

“A helicopter,” answered the whispering voice.

“What is going on there?” demanded the man, now truly apprehensive.

Again, whispering, the child answered, “The search team just landed a helicopter.”

Alarmed, confused, and a little frustrated, the man asked, “What are they searching for?”

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle, ”Me!”

A cannibal walked into a meat market to buy something for dinner. When the cannibal began to inspect the meat case, he noticed the market specialized in brains. Upon further inspection, he noticed a marked disparity between the costs of brain meats.

It seemed that carpenter brains were going for $1.50 per pound, while plumber brains cost $2.25 per pound. The cannibal then noticed with alarm that politician brains were selling for $375.00 a pound.

With overwhelming curiosity, he asked the owner why the huge difference in the price of brains.

With a deadpan expression, the owner responded, “Do you have any idea how many politicians it takes to get a pound of brains?”

A teenager lost his contact lens while playing basketball in the driveway. After a brief but fruitless search, he gave up. His mother took up the cause and within minutes she had found the lens.

“I looked everywhere, how did you do that?” he asked.

“We weren’t looking for the same thing,” she explained. “You were looking for a small piece of plastic. I, on the other hand, was looking for $150!”

A Swiss tourist was visiting Australia. He pulled up at a bus stop where two locals were waiting.

“Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?” he asked.

The two Aussies just stared at him.

“Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?” he tried.

The two continued to stare.

“Parlare Italiano?”

No response.

“Hablan ustedes Espanol?”

Still nothing, and the the frustrated Swiss drove off in disgust.

The one Aussie turned to the other and said, “Y’know, maybe we should learn a foreign language.”

“Why?” said the other. “That guy knew four languages, and it didn’t do him any good.”

Bonus:

How do you make a Swiss roll?

Push him down a hill.

An inventive young fellow had created a new bicycle design and wanted to test its stability at high speeds. He asked a friend, who owned a Mustang, if he could tie his bike to the bumper of the car to test his new design. His friend said, “Sure.”

So the young man tied the bike to the back of the car and instructed his friend, “I’ll ring my bike bell once if I want you to go faster, twice if I want you maintain speed, and repeatedly if I want you to slow down.”

With that, off they went. Things were going pretty well as the vehicle accelerated to well over 60 mph. The young fellow on the bike was handling the speed just fine.

All of sudden, a Corvette came up beside the Mustang and revved its engine. The driver of the Mustang forgot all about his friend on the bike and took off drag racing the Corvette.

A mile down the road a police cruiser clocked the two racing vehicles at over 100 mph! The officer called into headquarters on his radio. “Hey, you guys aren’t going to believe this, but there’s a Corvette and a Mustang racing out here, and some guy on a bicycle is ringing his bell trying to pass them!”