Two guys were out walking their dogs on a hot day, when they pass by a pub. The first guy says “Let’s go in there for a pint.” Second guy, says, “They won’t let us in with our dogs.” First guy: “Sure they will, just follow my lead.”

He goes up to the pub, and sure enough the doorman says, “I can’t let you in here with that dog.” He replies, “Oh, I’m blind and this is my seeing-eye dog.” The doorman says, “Ok then, come on in.”

The second guy sees this and does the same thing. He goes up to the pub, and the doorman says, “You can’t come in here with a dog.” He replies, “I’m blind and this is my seeing-eye dog.” The doorman responds, “You have a chihuahua for a seeing-eye dog?” The second guy stops for a second, and exclaims, “They gave me a chihuahua?”

All the passengers are seated on a plane out on the tarmac and the stewardess announces “we’re just waiting for the pilots.”.

The passengers look out the window and see two men, dressed as pilots walking towards the plane. Both men are using guide dogs and appear to be blind. There are murmurs among the passengers, and some believe it is a joke. The men board the plane and go into the cockpit. More concerned murmurs and uneasy chuckles from the passengers.

The plane taxis normally to the runway and begins it’s takeoff. As passengers look out the window they realize they are nearing the end of the runway. The entire passenger cabin begins screaming but the plane lifts off just before the end of the runway. The passengers calm down and chuckle to themselves.

In the cockpit, the pilot turns to his copilot and says “you know, one day those people are gonna scream too late and we’re all gonna die!”

Q: “Why did the little girl drop her ice cream?”

A: “Because she got hit by a bus

Q: Why can’t Helen Keller drive?

A: She’s dead.

Q: “Why did Hitler not drink Tequila?”

A: “Because it made him mean.”

Q: “What’s green and pecks on trees?”

A: “Woody the Wood Pickle.

Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes?

A: No-eye deer.

Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?

A: Still, no-eye deer

Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs, and no reproductive organs?

A: Still, no fucking eye deer.

Q: “What do you call a slow moving poop?”

A: “A turdle.”

Q: What animal can jump higher than a mountain?

A: All of them! Mountains can’t jump!

Q: Why did the quarter go so high when it was flipped

A: Because it has an eagle on the back.

Q: In which month do people talk the least?

A: February, because it is the shortest month.

Q: What is the last thing through a bugs mind when struck by a car?

A: His asshole.

Q: “What’s red and hurts your teeth?”

A: “A brick!”

A six year-old girl walks into the bathroom as her dad is getting out of the shower.

“Daddy, what’s that?” she asks, pointing up.

“Well, it’s a penis” he replies.

“A penis? When am I going to get one of those?”

“Just as soon as your mother leaves for work.”

Guy picks up a hooker and once at the hotel, starts to fuck. He screams in agony as he pulls his cock out. “What the fuck…” he say “it feels like fucking two rocks”.

The hooker stands up “Oh I am so sorry..” and goes to the bathroom. She comes back and lays on the bed “Try that again Sugar” she says.

He does and it is the smoothest warmest pussy he has ever felt. While dressing he asks “That was a rough start but damn it was incredible. What did you do?”

She smiled and replied “I just picked the scabs.”

A man goes to his best friend’s house to watch the hockey game. At the end of the first period the man says to his friend, “You know, we’ve been friends for a long time and I’ve always wanted to tell you this, but I really want to fuck your wife.”

The friend thinks for a moment before replying, “Ok. You can fuck my wife, but promise me one thing. You MUST NOT go down on her.”

The man says ok, goes upstairs and fucks his friend’s wife, but no matter how hard he tries, he can’t resist the urge to go down on her. He comes back just as the second period is starting and says to his friend, “Man, I’m really sorry, but I couldn’t resist the urge to go down on your wife. The weirdest thing happened when I did it though… I got a mouth full of rice.”

The friend laughs and says, “That wasn’t rice, she’s been dead for a month!”

So you thought that wasn’t bad enough?

An ugly man walks into his local pub with a big grin on his face.

“What are you so happy about?” asks the barman.

“Well, I’ll tell you,” replies the ugly man. “You know I live by the railway? Well, on my way home last night I noticed a young woman tied to the tracks like in the films. I ran over, cut her free and took her back to my place. Anyway, to cut a long story short I scored big time. We screwed all night, all over the house. We did everything, me on top, sometimes her on top.”

“Fantastic!” exclaimed the barman. “You lucky sod. Was she pretty?”

“Dunno,” replied the man. “Never found the head!”

One day a nurse is giving a woman in a coma a sponge bath and notices the heartbeat change slightly when the sponge was in her crotch.

Excitedly, she goes to the phone and calls the woman’s husband and tells him to come to the hospital.

When he gets there the nurse tells him that she thinks that his wife could be helped perhaps by a little bit of oral sex, that maybe it is crazy but it just might work. The man goes into his wife’s booth. A couple of minutes later her heartbeat flat-lines. The man walks out, and the nurse stunned asks “What happened?”

The man replies “I think she choked”