Four nuns were in a car crash and died. They went to the Pearly Gates and stood before St. Peter.
He said: “Before I let you into heaven, I have to make sure you’re pure. Have any of you had anything to do with a man’s private parts?”
The first said: “I saw a penis once.”
Peter replied: “Wash your eyes with the holy water from the fount and then you can enter heaven.”
The second said: “I touched a man’s penis once.”
Peter replied: “Wash your hands in the fount and then you can enter heaven.”
Just then the fourth cuts in front of the third. Peter asked “what are you doing?”
She replied: “If I have to gargle with that water, I’m going to do it before Sister Ruth sits in it.”

A city boy moves to the country and decides he’s going to start farming. He goes to a local hatchery and tells the owner, “Give me 100 baby chickens.”
A week later he returns and says, “Give me 200 baby chickens.”
Again, a week later young man returns. This time he says, “Give me 500 baby chickens.”
“Wow!” the hatchery owner replies. “You must be doing really well.”
“Not really,” said the man with a sigh. “I’m either planting them too deep or too far apart!”

One day an employee came in to work with both of his ears bandaged. When his boss asked him what happened, he explained, “Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and I accidentally answered the iron instead of the phone!”
“Well,” the boss said, “that explains one ear, but what about the other?”
“They called back!”
 

A turtle was walking down the alley in New York City when he was mugged by a gang of snails. A police detective came to investigate the incident and asked the turtle if he could describe his assailants and give his account of what happened.
The poor turtle with a confused look on his face replied, “I don’t know, Detective, it all happened so fast!”
 

A brain and a pair of jumper cables walk into a bar. The brain says, “Can I get a couple of beers from me and my friend here?”
The bartender says, “There’s no way I’m going to serve you.”
“Why not?” asked the brain.
The bartender explained, “Well, you’re clearly out of your head, and your friend looks like he’s about to start something.”
 

With a heavy heart, Marshal knocked on his redneck neighbor’s door. Bubba answered the door in his dirty wife-beater, “What the hell do you want?”
“Well, Bubba,” Marshal began, “Your dog just jumped the fence into my back yard again…”
“What of it?” Bubba remarked while scratching himself.
“I hate to have to tell you this,” Marshal casually explained, “but my dog just killed your dog.”
Bubba was almost dumbstruck, but chuckled and said, “How the hell could your Chihuahua have killed my Rottweiler?”
Marshal continued, “Apparently my dog got lodged in your dog’s throat when he tried to eat him, and he choked.”

Two men were having lunch together as one says to the other, “I’m so embarrassed. I got a raging erection during a prostate exam today.”
“That’s not so bad. These things happen,” his friend responds.
“Yeah, well precum was definitely dripping out,” the first continued.
“It happens all the time,” said the friend.
“I had to bite my lip to keep from moaning, and I was getting really close to shooting my load.”
“You’re being too hard on yourself. Lots of guys experience this sort of thing. It’s nothing to be ashamed of.”
“Yeah, but what if my patient had noticed?” replied the doctor.

Two pedophiles are sitting on a park bench discussing their propensities. The first one says, “I like’em  real young, ya know?”
“Oh me too,” said the second, “The younger the better.”
Just then a six year old girl merrily skips on by.
“Whoa! Check out the body on that one,” said the first.
To which the other replied, “Yeah, I bet she was really something in her day.”

A 12 year old boy gets hit by a car at a busy intersection.
A woman witnesses the entire event and runs over to the little boy, who’s lying on the ground in a pool of blood.
She gently cradles the boy’s head in her arms and whispers, “Do you need a priest?”
The boy moans, “How you can think of sex at a time like this?”
 

Little Suzy was in the back yard filling in a large hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Curious about the little girl’s activity, he politely asked, “What are you doing, Suzy?”
“My goldfish died,” replied a tearful Suzy, “and I just finished burying him.”
The neighbor asked, “Isn’t that an awfully big plot for a goldfish?”
Suzy patted down the last heap of dirt and replied, “That’s because he’s still inside your cat.”