Two men were having lunch together when one says to the other, “I made the worst Freudian slip the other day. I was trying to buy train tickets from this beautiful female conductor. She had these really huge breasts, so I meant to say ‘I would like two tickets to Pittsburgh’, but instead I said, ‘I would like two pickets to Titsburgh.'”
The other man says, “I got a better one. I was having dinner with my wife the other night, and I meant to say, ‘please pass the salt,’ but instead I said, ‘you miserable bitch, you ruined my life.'”
 

Oh, BTW… The house is finished, and that means I’m back to posting jokes on the weekdays again. Don’t expect a whole lot while I get back into the swing of things.

I know, I know… I said I’d be back on the 7th, but things didn’t work out the way I had hoped. Here’s the scoop:

Back in mid-April, the lovely “Department of Building Services Housing Inspection Division” sent me a lovely letter telling me my house looked like shit and needed gutters. They gave me until June 30th to have it done, or they “may issue a legal order”. After inspecting the situation for myself, it turns out they were pretty much on the money. The exterior of the house was really looking shitty.

For the first month and a half, I was getting estimates and applying for home improvement loans. Apparently the painters in my town don’t like credit cards, and the banks didn’t like my credit report. So what seemed like a good idea at the time, ended up being a waste of time. (BTW, my credit card doesn’t give me “convenience checks”, so that wasn’t an option.)

Plan B was to get my dad to help me… and talk about a deal with the devil.

I really could not do this on my own, so without Dad’s help, I’d really be fucked. On the other hand, my dad is in his 70’s, so things aren’t going very fast… or smooth.

You know they say experiences like this bring families closer together… Right now, we both want to gouge each others eyes out with salad forks, so people who say things like that are full of shit.

On a brighter note, we’re actually doing a pretty good job. The trim work looks fantastic, and the body is going to be done in a couple of days.

I know… Most people do the body first then trim, but Dad wanted to do it bass ackwards, and it turns out he was right. I have open eaves, so painting them by hand would have been a bitch. Dad used his paint sprayer to get the job done in a fraction of the time. So now we’re having to cut in the body color around the trim, then cover the windows and doors so we can cut loose with that paint sprayer again.

So that’s it, right?

Nope… Gutters.

See the old gutters were just nailed right into the rafter tails. E.g. no fascia board. The rafter tails were also cut at an odd angle, so we had to square them… There were a lot of little complications like this, but Dad’s insisting we do things the right way, and I couldn’t agree more with him. It’s a lot more work, but in the end, the house should be set for the next 20 to 30 years.

With all the little details we’re taking the time to address, I imagine it would have probably cost close to $8000 or more to have a contractor do it, but so far it’s only cost me about $3200.

Funny how I can charge up $3200 on a credit card, but get turned down for a loan from the bank to have a professional do it… But in the end, the professional wouldn’t have fixed the deteriorating woodwork, or repaired the broken and missing tiles for the siding.

So after all is said and done, all I can say is that Home Depot and Sherwin-Williams better send me a fucking Christmas card.

And yeah… The city only gave me to June 30th to have to work done… Sorry. I tried, but it’s going to take us a little longer. They could get that court order or whatever… But honestly, we’re getting the work done, and we’re going above and beyond to make this house look really nice. I really don’t see them making too much of a fuss about it.

For the curious, the house was boring ass white with shitty ass white trim… but now it’s “Needlepoint Navy” with “Swing Brown” trim, and no more white.

Bold but soothing colors, and the neighbors love it.

So let’s just extend this hiatus a little longer… The house is going to be a couple more weeks yet, but I owe my dad big time after this. He wants two weeks of lawn and garden help, and believe it or not he wants me to update his resume!

We’re just going to add it all up and say see you in August… I hope!

They hadn’t even noticed they’d been sitting just a couple stools away at the bar for the past half hour when the man offered to buy the lady a drink.
“So what’s your name, miss?” he asked directly.
“I was named after the two things I like best: Carmen. Because I like cars, and I like men,” she confidently replied.
“Huh… Me too,” the man said.
“Oh really?” said Carmen. “So what is your name?”
“Beerfuck.”
And now my dear friends… I must take another hiatus whilst I put my house in order. I hope to see you Monday, July 7th with good news and great jokes.

A little girl goes to the zoo with her parents, she sees the elephant pen and runs as fast as she can to see them. When she gets there, the big bull elephant has a huge erection. As her father walks up, she asks, “Daddy, what is that thing between the elephant’s legs?”
“Honey,” the father gently said, “That’s the elephant’s ‘weewee’.”
A moment later, the trailing mother catches up. The little girl excitedly tells her mother, “Daddy says that thing between the elephant’s legs is his weewee!”
The mother sees the beast’s pendulous member and replies, “No Dear, your daddy has a weewee. This elephant has a cock.”
 

The chief says to the three applicants “Alright, one of the most important things for a detective is to have good observational skills, so I’m going to give you all a little test. You’ll each get a photo to examine for just five seconds, then you have to tell me what you notice about the subject’s appearance.”
The chief takes the first applicant into a room and gives him a photo from their mugshot gallery. After five seconds, he says “so what did you notice about the subject?”
Applicant #1 thinks for a bit and says “he only had one eye.”
The chief looks at him in disbelief. “What? No, it’s a picture in profile! You can’t see the other eye because his head is turned sideways! What an idiot, get out of my station!” He bellows. Applicant #1 flees.
The second applicant comes in and the chief gives him the same photo. After five seconds, he barks “time’s up, what did you notice about the subject?”
Applicant #2 hems and haws and finally says “he only had one ear!”
The chief nearly flips the table. “It’s a picture in profile, you brainless buffoon! You just can’t see the other ear! Get out of my sight!” He roars. Applicant #2 takes off as well.
The third applicant enters tentatively. The chief slaps the photo down in front of him, and after five minutes he growls “Tell me anything you noticed about the subject!”
Without so much as a pause, applicant #3 says “He was wearing contact lenses.”
The chief squints at the picture, but for the life of him he can’t tell whether the guy is wearing contacts or not. So he goes and checks the records and sure enough, he wore contact lenses!
The police chief comes back out beaming and says “you were right! What amazing powers of observation! You’re hired, sign here and I’ll go get your new badge.” So applicant #3 signs his name and the chief soon comes back with the badge. When he does, he shakes #3’s hand and says “I’m curious, how could you tell he was wearing contact lenses? I couldn’t tell at all!”
Applicant #3 smiles and says “Simple logic–he couldn’t have worn regular glasses, since he only had one ear and one eye.”

During trial, a small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand.
He approached her and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know me?”
She responded, “Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I’ve known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a big shot when you haven’t the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.”
The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?”
She again replied, “Why, yes, I do. I’ve known Mr.Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He’s lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can’t build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.”
The defense attorney almost died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and in a very quiet voice said, “If either of you fucking idiots asks her if she knows me, I’ll send you both to the electric chair.”

A professor travels to Africa to live with a primitive tribe and spends years with them, teaching them all about the wonders of science, mathematics, and medicine. One day, the Chief’s wife gives birth to… a white child!
The word spreads, and the entire tribe is in shock. The chief pulls the professor aside and says, “Look, you’re the only white man we’ve ever seen around here, and this woman just gave birth to a white child. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what happened!”
The professor replied, “No, Chief. You’re mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence, what we in the civilized world call an albino! Look at that field over there. All of the sheep are white except for one black one. Nature does this on occasion.”
The chief was silent for a moment, then said, “Tell you what. You don’t say anything more about that sheep and I won’t say anything more about that white child.”