Dear Tide,
I’m writing to say what an excellent product you have. I’ve used it since the beginning of married life, when my mom told me it was the best. In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My husband started to berate me about my drinking problem. One thing led to another and I ended up with a lot of his blood on my white blouse as well. I tried to get the stain out using a bargain detergent, but it just wouldn’t come out.
After a quick trip out, I stopped and got a bottle of liquid Tide with bleach alternative, and all of the stains came out! They came out so well, in fact, that the DNA tests were negative! I thank you, once again, for a great product.
Well, gotta go. I have to write a letter to the Hefty bag people.
Sincerely,
-Mary

The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, “Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?”
No one answered until little Mary stood up and angrily said, “You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I’m going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!” With a sneer on her face, she then sat back down.
Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, “Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?”
Little Mary’s mouth fell open; then she said to those around her, “Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!”
The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, “Anybody?”
Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, “The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye.”
Mrs. Parks said, “Very good, Billy,” then turned to Mary and continued, “As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: One, you have a dirty mind; two, you didn’t read your homework, and three; one day you are going to be very, very disappointed.”

A frog telephones a psychic hotline and is told, “You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you.”
“Great,” says the frog, “Will I meet her at a party?”
“No.”
“Will I meet her at a night club?”
“No.”
“When will I meet this beautiful young girl?”
“Well,” said the psychic, “You will meet her next year — in biology class.”

A farmer bought some breeding pigs, but after several weeks, not one was pregnant. He called the vet for help. “Why don’t you try artificial insemination?” said the vet.
The farmer didn’t know what artificial insemination was, but not wanting to appear ignorant, he said, “Okay, Doc, but how will I know when the pigs are pregnant?”
“Easy. When they lie down and wallow in the mud.” The farmer hung up and came to the conclusion that artificial insemination must mean that he has to impregnate those pigs himself.
So he loaded them onto his truck, drove them out into the woods, had sex with each of them, brought them back to the farm, and then went to bed. The next morning he woke up and checked the pigs.
Since they were all still standing around, he concluded that his first attempt didn’t take, so he loaded them into the truck again, drove them into the woods, had sex with each of them, brought them back to the farm, and went to bed. The next morning he woke up and checked the pigs. They are still just standing around.
Once again he loaded them onto the truck, drove them into the woods, had sex with each of them, brought them back to the farm, and went to bed. The next morning, he can’t even lift himself off the bed. He asked his wife to see if the pigs are wallowing in the mud yet.
“Nope,” she said. “They’re all in the back of the truck and one of them is honking the horn!”

The nurse asked a patient to remove his clothing and put on a gown to be checked by the doctor.
When the doctor walked in, he asked the patient to show him the problem.
“I’ll show you,” said the patient, “but you have to promise not to laugh.”
“Of course I won’t laugh,” said the doctor. “I’m a professional. In over twenty years I’ve never laughed at a patient.”
“Okay then,” said the patient, and he proceeded to lift his gown, revealing the smallest adult male organ the doctor had ever seen in his life. The size and dimensions of the mans penis was almost identical to a AAA battery.
The doctor tried to stop himself, but the site of the mans diminutive member was something very unexpected. Just then, the doctor started laughing uncontrollably. Feeling very badly that he had laughed at the man’s penis, he composed himself as well as he could.
“I am so sorry,” he said, “I don’t know what came over me. On my honor as a doctor, I promise that it won’t happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?”
“It’s swollen,” the patient replied.

Three Soviets were on a train to the Siberian gulag. So one of them asks the two others: “So what did you do?”
The first one answers: “Well, I arrived late at the factory, and so they accused me of slowing down the Revolution and the victory of the Proletariat.”
The second one answers: “Well, I arrived early at the factory, and so they accused me of wanting to be favored and promoted over my fellow workers.”
Then they turn to the one who asked the question: “How about you, then?”
“Well, I arrived at the factory right on time, and so they accused me of having a watch from the West.”

A man goes to his doctor and says, “Doc, I have a problem. My girlfriend is sleeping over this Friday, my ex-wife is sleeping over this Saturday and my wife is coming home Sunday. I need 3 Viagra pills to satisfy them all.”
The doctor says, “You know 3 Viagra pills 3 nights in a row is pretty dangerous for a man of your age. I will give them to you on the condition you return to my office on Monday so that I can check you out.”
The man says, “You have a deal, Doc.”
Monday morning the man returns with his arm in a sling. The doctor asks, “What happened?”
The man answered, “Nobody showed up.”

Schwartzenegger has a big one.
Michael J. Fox has a small one.
Madonna doesn’t have one.
The Pope has one but doesn’t use his.
Clinton uses his all the time.
Mickey Mouse has an unusual one.
George Burns’s was hot.
Liberace never used his on women.
Jerry Seinfeld is very, very proud of his.
We never saw Lucy use Desi’s.
What is it?

A Last Name!
What were you thinking?