These three women were roommates. One night they all had all gone out on dates and they all came home at about the same time.

The first one said, “You know you’ve been on a good date when you come home with your hair all messed up.”

The second one said, “No, you know you’ve been on a good date when you come home with your makeup all smeared.”

The third one said nothing, but reached under her skirt, removed her panties and threw them against the wall, where they stuck. “Now THAT’S a good date!”

A wealthy man died and went to heaven.

He was met at the Pearly Gates by Saint Peter who led him down the streets of gold. They passed mansion after mansion until they came to the very end of the street. Saint Peter stopped the rich man in front of a little shack. “This belongs to you,” said Saint Peter.

“Why do I get this ugly thing when there are so many mansions I could live in?” the man demanded.

“We did the best we could with the money you sent us!” Saint Peter replied.

Friday night, Patrick went to his friend Paddy and said

“Paddy, I need a favor – I’m sleeping with the bartender’s wife. Can you hold him in the pub for an hour after he closes up?”

Paddy was not very fond of the idea, but being Patrick was a lifelong friend, he reluctantly agreed.

After the pub closed, Paddy struck up a conversation with the bartender asking him all sorts of stupid questions in an effort to keep him occupied. After some time, the bartender became suspicious and asked, “Paddy, what are you really up to with all this?”

Paddy, filled with feelings of guilt and remorse, confessed to the bartender and said, “I’m sorry…. my friend Patrick is sleeping with your wife right now and asked me to keep you occupied.”

The bartender smiled and putting a brotherly hand on Paddy`s shoulder, said *”I think you’d better hurry home, my wife died two years ago.”

A man is stuck inside a public restroom without any toilet paper. He calls over to
the man in the next stall, “Hey, you got any extra toilet paper in there?”
“No,” replies the man.
“You got any newspaper over there?” the stranded man asks.
“Nope,” the second man replies.
After a moment of silence, the first man asks the second, “You got two fives for
a ten?

A scoutmaster is out driving a country road near dusk, with his wife in the passenger seat. Suddenly a deer leaps out from the roadside and stands stock-still, frozen in the headlights. The scoutmaster hits the horn, but there’s no noise but the screeching of the car’s tires as it skids to a halt just short of the deer. The deer, finally recovering its wits, bounds away.

The scoutmaster puts the car in park, takes off his seatbelt, pops the hood and roots around in the engine compartment for a minute. He then returns to the driver’s seat, dusting off his hands in satisfaction.

“Did you fix the horn, honey?” his wife inquires.

He nods. “Beep repaired.”

— The Oldest Rater

A local bar was so sure that its barman was the strongest man in the town that they offered a standing $1000 bet.
The barman would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran out and challenge any man to squeeze out another drop.
Weightlifters, arm wrestlers; they all tried and
lost the bet.
Then one day, a scrawny little man, (if he stood sideways you would not see him) wearing scratched glasses, a ten year old polyester suit, walked in and said
“I’d like to take on the bet.”
After the laughter had died down, the barman said, “Okay”; grabbed the lemon and squeezed away.
Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the Lemon Rind to the little man.
But the Crowd’s laughter turned to total silence….as the man clenched his little fist around the lemon….
six drops fell into the glass.
As the barman paid the $1000 bet, he asked “What do you do for a living?
Are you a lumberjack, a metal worker,
a weight-lifter, or what?”
The little man quietly replied:
“I work for the IRS .”

A man was in a long line at his local supermarket.
As he got to the register he realised he had forgotten to get condoms, so he asked the checkout girl if she could have some brought up to the register.
She asked, “What size condoms?”
The customer replied that he didn’t know.
She asked him to drop his trousers, reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him and called over the intercom: “One box of large condoms, Register 5″.
The next man in line thought this was interesting, and like most of us was up for a cheap thrill. When he got up to the register, he told the cashier that he too had forgotten to get condoms, and asked if she could have some brought to the register for him.
She asked him what size, and he stated that he didn’t know.
She asked him to drop his trousers, gave him a quick feel, picked up the intercom microphone and said: “One box of medium sized condoms, Register 5″.
A few customers back was this teenage boy. He thought what he had seen was way too cool. He had never had any type of sexual contact with a woman, so he thought this was his chance.
When he got to the checkout he told the girl he needed some condoms.
She asked him what size and he said he didn’t know.
She asked him to drop his trousers, reached over the counter, gave him a quick squeeze then picked up the Intercom and said…
“Mop and bucket, Register 5″

An Engineer dies and goes to Hell. Dissatisfied with the level of discomfort, he starts designing and building improvements.
After a while, Hell has air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators. The Engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls and asks Satan, “So, how’s it going down there?”
Satan says, “Hey things are going great. We’ve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there’s no telling what this Engineer is going to come up with next.”

God is horrified. “What? You’ve got an Engineer? That’s a mistake – he should never have gone down there! You know all Engineers go to Heaven. Send him up here! ”

Satan says, “No way. I like having an Engineer on the staff.
I’m keeping him.”

God says, “Send him up here or I’ll sue.”

“Yeah, right,” Satan laughs,
“And where are you going to get a lawyer?”

So, me and my girls went to an All Male strip club last night.
A stripper came over and flexed his buttcheeks for us. One of the girls wanted to impress us, so she pulls out a $10 bill, licked it and put it on his butt cheek. Not to be outdone, another friend pulls out a $20 bill, licked it as well and put it on his other butt check. Still attempting to impress the rest of us, my other friend pulls out a $50 bill, also licks it and again puts it on one of his butt cheeks. Now the attention is focused on me. What could I do to top that? I got out my wallet, thought for a minute… and then got out my ATM card, swiped it down the crack of his ass, grabbed the $80 bucks and went home! 😎