A new hooker just finished her first trick.
When she came back down to the street, the seasoned veterans all gathered around to hear the details.
She said “well, he was a big handsome and muscular Marine.”
“Well, what did he want to do?” they all asked.
She replied, “I told him that a straight lay was $100, but he said he didn’t have that much, So I told him that oral sex would be $75, but he didn’t have that much either. Finally I said, well, how much do you have?”
“The Marine said that he only had 25 bucks.”
The new hooker told him, “Well, for $25 all I can do is service you by hand.”
He agreed, and after getting the finances straight, she told the other hookers, “He pulled it out and I put one hand on it, and then the second hand above the first, and then the first hand above the second hand…”
“Oh my God!” they all exclaimed, “it must have been huge. Then what did you do?”
“I loaned him $75!” she said.

The husband was furious when he found out their bank account was empty.
When he confronted his wife, she simply said, “It’s my turn.”
“What do you mean, your turn?” yelled the husband.
“In bed,” she explained, “you’ve been making early withdrawals for years. Now, it’s my turn.”

A company was looking to hire someone for an important position. They interviewed dozens of applicants, and narrowed their search down three people. In an attempt to pick one of them, they decided to give them all the same question to answer. The one with the best answer would get the job.
The question:
“A man and a woman are in bed, nude. The woman is lying on her side with her back facing the man, and the man is lying on his side facing the woman’s back. What is the man’s name?”
The first one didn’t get the job because he answered, “Well, there IS no answer.”
The second was also turned down because he replied, “My answer is, that there is no way to determine the answer with the information we were given.”
The third contender won the position when he responded, “I’m not exactly sure, but I have it narrowed down to two names. It’s either Willie Turner or Willie Nailer.”

A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were spending the first night of their honeymoon. They opened the champagne and began undressing.
When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife asked, “What’s wrong with your feet? Your toes look all mangled and weird.”
“I had tolio as a child,” he answered.
“You mean polio?” she asked.
“No, tolio. The disease only affected my toes.”
When the groom took off his pants, his bride once again asked, “What’s wrong with your knees? They’re all lumpy and deformed!”
“As a child, I also had kneasles,” he explained.
“You mean measles?” she asked.
“No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees.”
The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer.
As the undressing continued, her husband at last removed his underwear.
“Don’t tell me,” she said, “let me guess… Smallcox?”

A sexually active middle aged woman informed her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because over the years they had grown quite large and resembled a couple of bear claws. She did insist however that the surgery be kept secret, and the surgeon agreed.
Awakening from the anesthesia, she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she immediately called in the surgeon.
“I thought I specifically asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!”
The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him. “I felt so sad for you, because you went through this all by yourself.”
“The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and understood perfectly, as she had the same procedure done some time ago.”
“And what about the third rose?” she asked.
“That’s from a man in the burn unit. He doesn’t know who you are, but wanted to thank you for his new ears.”

Harry teed up, addressed his ball and took a magnificent swing, but something went wrong and he hit a wicked slice.
The ball left the fairway he was playing, and went onto the adjoining one where it hit a man full in the face.
The poor guy dropped like a rock! Rushing over to the man, Harry and his partner found him unconscious, and with the ball lying between his feet.
“Oh my God!,” exclaimed Harry, “what should we do?”
“I’m not sure.” said his partner. “But don’t move him! If we just leave him here he’s an immovable obstruction and you can either play the ball from where it lies, or drop it two club lengths away without penalty.”

Two young boys in the Middle East just turned thirteen. Ali was Muslim, and David was Jewish, but they were very good friends.
One day Ali mentioned to David, “I’m getting operated on tomorrow.”
“Oh?” said David with surprise. “What are they going to do?”
“They are going to circumcise me,” said Ali.
“I had that done when I was eight days old,” remarked David.
“Did it hurt?” asked Ali.
“I couldn’t walk for a year,” said David.

A recent widow says to the mortician, “I’ve got my husband here in his very best blue suit, but what I’d really appreciate is if you could have him in a black suit for the funeral. Here’s a blank check, use whatever you need, but I want him in a black suit.”
The mortician agrees and thanks the woman as she leaves.
Just then another widow comes in and says, “I know I’ve brought my husband wearing a black suit, but I’ve always really loved him in blue. Is there any way you can have him in a blue suit for his funeral?”
The mortician assures her that it’s not a problem and the second woman thanks him as she leaves.
A few days later the at the first man’s funeral and the widow walks up and says, “Thank you so much for doing this. My husband looks wonderful in the black suit you found him.”
The mortician replies, “Of course, and I was happy to do it. By the way, here’s your check back.”
“No, I really appreciate it, and I want to pay you,” insisted the widow. “Just take whatever you need.”
“Oh no really, it didn’t cost me anything,”explained the mortician. “You see, right after you came in, a woman showed up with her husband in a black suit, and she wanted him wearing blue. So in the end all I had to do was switch the heads.”

Today is the first day I go to work without my friend and supervisor for the past seventeen years. I’ve been very fortunate to have worked under such an amazing person. He made my job easy.
When you take a long time to get something done, you’re slow.
When the boss takes a long time, he’s thorough.
When you don’t get something done that you needed to do, it’s because you’re lazy.
When the boss doesn’t get it done, he’s too busy.
When you do something without being told, you’re trying to be smart.
When the boss does the same, he’s showing initiative.
When you try to please the boss, you’re a brown noser.
When the boss tries to please his boss, he’s co-operating.
And when you do something really good, the boss never remembers.
When you fuck up, he never forgets.
Good luck at your new job, boss.

We’re all going to miss you, Charlie.

After an interfaith conference, a priest and a rabbi are having a few drinks together in the hotel lounge.
The priest turns to the rabbi and suggests, “Hey rabbi, let’s go find a couple of alter boys and screw ’em!”
The rabbi replies, with his hands spread out, “Outta what?”