A woman sits down next to a cowboy in a bar.
She asks, “Are you a REAL cowboy?”
He replies, “Well, Ma’am, I brand calves, rope steers, mend fence, ride the range. Yup… I’m a REAL cowboy.”
She says, “Well I’m a lesbian. I think about women all day, all evening, all the time. It seems all I ever do is think about making love with women.”
And then they sat there quietly sipping their beers.
Just then a man walked in and sat on the other side of the cowboy. He said, “Are you a REAL cowboy?”
The cowboy responded, “Well, I THOUGHT I was, but I just found out that I’m actually a lesbian.”

Two guys had just gotten divorced and they swore they would never have anything to do with women again. They were best friends and they decided to move up to Alaska as far north as they could go and never look at a woman again.
They got up there and went into a trader’s store and told him, “Give us enough supplies to last two men for one year.”
The trader got the gear together and on top of each one’s supplies he laid a board with a hole in it with fur around the hole.
The guys asked “What’s that board for?”
The trader said, “Well, where you’re going there are no women and you might need this.”
They said, “No way! We’ve sworn off women for life!”
The trader said, “Well, take the boards with you, and if you don’t use them I’ll refund your money next year.
“Okay,” they said and left.
The next year this guy came into the trader’s store and said “Give me enough supplies to last one man for one year.”
The trader said “Weren’t you in here last year with a partner?”
“Yeah” said the guy. “Where is he?” asked the trader.
“I killed him” said the guy.
Shocked, the trader asks “Why?”
To which the guy replies, “I caught him in bed with my board!”

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring. This man knows his co-worker to be a somewhat conservative fellow, so naturally he’s curious about the sudden change in fashion sense.
The man walks up to his co-worker and says, “I didn’t know you were into earrings.”
“Don’t make such a big deal, it’s only an earring,” he replies sheepishly.
“Well, I’m curious,” begged the man, “how long have you been wearing an earring?”
“Ever since my wife found it in our bed.”

One day, John mentioned to his wife, “The guys down at the bar say that our landlord is screwing every woman in this apartment building except for one, but they aren’t sure who that one is.”
Without hesitation his wife replied, “I know who. It’s that stuck up bitch in apartment 12 down the hall.”

Jim died, and because he was generally a rotten bastard he was sent straight to hell and greeted by Satan himself.
“So Jim,” started Satan, “Do you like cigars?”
A little nervous and confused, Jim stammered, “Well, y-yeah.”
“Great! We have all you can smoke Mondays down here,” said Satan. “Look, I know people think of hell as this terrible place, but it’s not so bad. Say, do you like to drink?”
“Sure,” said Jim.
“Oh, you’re gonna love Tuesdays. We got beer, wine, 50 year old Scotch… You name it, we got it all on all you can drink Tuesdays,” said Satan. “So did you ever like to do drugs?”
“Occasionally,” replied Jim feeling a little more relaxed about his situation.
“Well, after a day of binge drinking we got all kinds of drugs to take the edge off on Wednesdays. Pot, coke, heroine… As much as you want, and you can’t O.D. because you’re already dead! Say, do you like to gamble?” asked Satan.
“I’ve been known to place a few bets now and then,” Jim said with a wicked grin.
“Well on Thursdays we got all kinds of gambling from casinos to horse races, and all the scratch-offs you can handle!”
“Wow, that sounds really great!” said Jim.
“So tell me,” asked Satan, “are you gay?”
“Uh… No, not at all.”
“Ouch! You’re really gonna hate Fridays then…”

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess.”
He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you.”
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pants pocket.
The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I’ll stay with you and do anything you want.”
Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, “What is the matter? I’ve told you I’m a beautiful princess and that I’ll stay with you and do anything you want. Why won’t you kiss me?”
The engineer said, “Look, I’m an engineer. I don’t have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog? Now that’s really cool!”

During a Biology class, the teacher asked the class, “Why is it that during childhood girls tend to grow taller than guys?”
Little Johnny raised his hand and replied, “That’s because guys have balls and that weighs them down.”
The teacher, a bit annoyed, responded, “Then why is it that at maturity guys tend to grow taller than girls?”
Little Johnny countered by saying, “That’s because girls get breasts and they are heavier than the guy’s balls.”

Sadie had been widowed for a few years and very lonely. Her daughter arranged a date with a local businessman named Morris. After much hemming and hawing, she consented to go on the date.
Morris picked her up the next day, and they went on a picnic in a very secluded spot. Morris also had been widowed for some time and found himself very attracted to Sadie. Despite her initial resistance to his advances, they made love right on the picnic blanket.
Sadie was mortified at her lack of self-control and sobbed “I don’t know how I can face my daughter, knowing in a time of weakness, I sinned twice!”
Morris said “What do you mean ‘twice?’ We only did it once!”
Sadie looked at Morris and said, “Well, you were going to do it again, weren’t you?”

When Ralph first noticed that his penis was growing larger and staying erect longer, he was delighted, as was his wife, but after several weeks, his penis had grown to nearly twenty inches. Ralph became quite concerned. He was having problems dressing, and even walking, so he and his wife went to see a prominent urologist.
After an initial examination, the doctor explained to the couple that, though rare, Ralph’s condition could be fixed through corrective surgery.
“How long will Ralph be on crutches?” the wife asked anxiously.
“Crutches? Why would he need crutches?” responded the surprised doctor.
“Well,” said the wife coldly, “you’re gonna lengthen his legs, aren’t you?

Lorraine was driving through a small town in Montana and stopped at a roadside produce stand to ask where she could find a taxidermist.

The older gentleman seemed a little confused and said he didn’t think there was any around these parts.

Surprised by this, she said, “Are you sure?”

It was then he admitted he didn’t actually know what the word meant.

So she explained that a taxidermist is a man who mounts animals.

The old man’s face relaxed with a smile and said, “Oh hell, we’ve got plenty of them around here, only we call them sheepherders!”