A guy with leprosy won tickets to see the world series.

When he got there, he wandered through the bleachers looking for his seat. He finally found the open seat and asked the man in the adjoining seat if it would be okay to sit there.

The man answered, “Yeah. Just sit down, shut up, and watch the game.”

The leper sat down and added, “As you can see, I have leprosy. If it disturbs you, I will move.”

“It doesn’t bother me. Just shut up, and watch the game.”

A while later, during the fourth inning, the man suddenly vomited. Frothy beer, hot dogs, and peanuts were splattered everywhere.

Seeing this, the leper got up and said, “Thank you for allowing me to sit next to you, but I can see that my appearance has caused you to get sick. I will find another place to sit.”

“It’s NOT you. Just sit down, shut up, and watch the game.”

So the leper sat back down, but during the sixth inning, the man began to vomit again. This time it is projectile. A powerful blast of beer and pretzels shoots out from the man’s mouth and nose until his stomach is completely emptied.

Seeing this, the leper got up and said, “Thank you for allowing me to sit next to you, but I can see that my appearance has caused you to get sick. I will find another place to sit.”

“Really, it’s NOT you. Just sit down, shut up, and watch the game.”

So the leper sat back down, but during the seventh inning, the man began to vomit again. This time it was the dry heaves.

The leper feels absolutely awful at the sight of this man suffering. Once again, the leper offers to leave, but the man insists, “Really, it’s NOT you.”

So the leper asks, “Well if it’s not me, then what is making you so sick?”

“It’s that guy behind you. He keeps dipping his nachos in your back.”

A young executive was working late, trying to impress his boss.

As he was leaving the office, at 7 p.m., he found the CEO standing in front of the document shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

“Listen,” said the CEO, “this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary left hours ago. Can you make this thing work?”

“Certainly,” said the young executive. Excited with the opportunity to kiss up to the man, he turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

“Excellent, excellent!” said the CEO, “I don’t know what I would have done without you.”

As his paper disappeared inside the machine the relieved CEO says, “Now, I just need one copy.”

(Hope your day is going better than this. Happy Friday the 13th!)

Grandpa was driving with his 9 year old granddaughter home from Sunday school when he beeped the horn by mistake.

The little girl turned and looked at him for an explanation.

He said, “I did that by accident.”

She replied, “I figured that, Grandpa.”

He replied, “How did you know?”

She said, “Because you didn’t shout ‘asshole!’ afterwards.”

A funeral service was being held for a woman who had just passed away.

At the end of the service, the pall bearers were carrying the casket out when they accidentally bumped into a wall, jarring the casket.

They heard a faint moan coming from inside the casket. They opened the casket to find that the woman was actually still alive!

She went on to live for ten more years, and once again died.

Another ceremony was held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers were again carrying out the casket.

As they carried the casket towards the door, the husband cried out: “Watch that wall!”

Hillary Clinton was out jogging one morning along the parkway when she tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the river below.

Before anyone else could get to her, 3 kids who were fishing, pulled her out of the water.

She was so grateful she offered the kids whatever they wanted.

The first kid says, “I want to go to Disneyland.”

Hilary says, “No problem, I’ll take you there on my campaign airplane”.

The second kid says, “I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan’s.”

Hilary says, “I’ll get them for you, and even have Michael personally sign them!”

The third kid says, “I want a motorized wheelchair with a built in TV and stereo headset!”

Hilary is a little perplexed by this and says, “But you don’t look like you’re disabled.”

The kid says, “I will be after my dad finds out I saved your ass from drowning!

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman came over to their table, gave the husband a big kiss, said she’d see him later and walked away.

His wife glared at him and said, “Who the hell was that?”

“Oh,” replied the husband, “she’s my mistress.”

“Well, that’s the last straw,” said the wife. “I’ve had enough, I want a divorce.”

“I can understand that,” replied her husband, “but remember, if we get a divorce it means that you don’t get any more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Ferrari’s and Lexus’s in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours.”

Just then, a mutual friend entered the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.

“Who’s that woman with Jim?” asked the wife.

“That’s his mistress,” said her husband.

“Ours is prettier,” she replied.

The moon shown silver on the waters of the lake and the waves that were beating on the shore were hardly equal in intensity to the waves of passion nearby.

One ardent couple paused long enough for the young man to whisper, “Darling am I the first man to make love to you?”

Her tone, upon answering, was slightly more than irritable.

“Of course you are!” she said, “and the best, too. I don’t know why you men always ask the same old ridiculous questions.”

The wife handed her husband a silk scarf and asked, “Didn’t I see your secretary wearing this exact scarf the other day when I stopped in at the office?”

The husband was visibly shaken. “Where did you find that?” he stammered.

“I didn’t,” replied the wife. “The mail man found it sticking out of your night-stand.

Two good ol’ boys from Alabama who loved to fish heard that up in Canada they had a thing called “ice fishing”. They decided to go up there and try it. When they got there, they saw that the lake was frozen nicely.

So they headed down the road to a local bait shop. One of them said, “We’re gonna need an ice pick.” So they got it along with their other bait and tackle.

About a half hour later, one of the rednecks returned to the bait shop and said, “We’re gonna need about another dozen ice picks.”

The attendant at the shop was curious, but bagged 12 more ice picks and rang up the customer’s order.

An hour later the man was back. “We’re gonna need all the ice picks you got,” he said.

The bait shop attendant was dying to know what this was about. As he retrieved the last of his ice pick stock he asked, “By the way, how are you fellas doing?”

“Not very well at all,” said the redneck. “We ain’t even got the boat in the water yet.”