A scientist built a time machine, and decided to travel back in time to ancient Rome in order to advance society more quickly.

Carrying a laptop computer, a television, and a cell phone, he went before emperor Caesar and said, “Emperor! I have brought you these gifts from many millennia in the future! Here, allow me to show you how they work.”

Caesar then turned to his guard and said, “Insanum hunc auferte ineptum.”

A soviet butcher came out, looked at the long line, and yelled, “We don’t have enough for all of you today! All the Jews, get out of the line and go home!”

After another hour of waiting, the butcher came out again and looked at the line. He yelled, “We don’t have enough for all of you! If you’re not a member of the communist party, get out of the line and go home!”

After another hour, the butcher came out again. “We don’t have enough for all of you! , unless you’re a veteran of the great patriotic war, get out of the line and go home!”

After another hour, the butcher came out. “We are completely out of meat for today! Everybody go home!”

One communist then turned to the other and said, “Yibat! What did I tell you, comrade? The Jews get all the luck!”

The teacher had a curious issue with his class and asked the principal to weigh in. To demonstrate the problem, the teacher called on a student and asked him “Who killed Julius Caesar?”

The student was terrified, “I swear it wasn’t me! I never even met him!”

The teacher went around the room and asked the rest of the class, but they all gave the same answer. The teacher then turned to the principal and asked him, “Do you think such a response is normal?”

The shocked principal replied “Are you sure the killer is in this class?”

I had the toughest time of my life. First, I got angina pectoris and then arteriosclerosis. Just as I was recovering from these, I got tuberculosis, double pneumonia and phthisis. Then they gave me hypodermics. Appendicitis was followed by tonsillectomy. These gave way to aphasia and hypertrophic cirrhosis. I completely lost my memory for a while. I know I had diabetes and acute ingestion, besides gastritis, rheumatism, lumbago and neuritis… I don’t know how I pulled through it. It was the hardest spelling test I’ve ever had.

A Soviet filmmaker made a film called “Lenin in Warsaw.” Everybody showed up for the premiere. The film opened—on Lenin’s wife, Krupskaya, naked, while having mad sex with another man.

And then another.

And another.

And so on.

The film continues in the same vein for ninety minutes. Finally, the lights come up and the director takes questions from the audience.

The first question asked was, “Very interesting movie, comrade, but—where was Lenin?

”The director answered, “In Warsaw.”

In the years before World War II, in a little Polish village, a learned rabbi used to teach his students, “Life is like the ocean.” And they would nod and respond, “Yes, life is like the ocean.”

One young student was particularly taken with this philosophy, and he carried it with him through the long years of the war, which he barely survived.

Later becoming a rabbi in his own right, he moved to Philadelphia, and taught all his eager young students, “Life is like the ocean.”

Year after year, “Life is like the ocean.” And they would nod and respond, “Yes, life is like the ocean.”

One year, though, a student asked, “But Rabbi, why is life like the ocean?” And the rabbi had no answer.

Why is life like the ocean? The question haunted him. It plagued him so much that eventually he returned to his home village, hoping against hope to find his teacher still alive.

Incredibly, the rabbi had survived the war, though now was quite old and in fact lay on his death bed when the young man arrived. He knelt by the old rabbi’s side and entreated, “Rabbi, Rabbi, why is life like the ocean?”

The old man looked at him through watery eyes and replied, “Okay, so life isn’t like the ocean.”

An elderly couple was having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife’s hand in his and said, “Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there’s something I have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?”

Martha replied, “Well Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I’ve been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good reason.

Henry was obviously hurt by his wife’s confession, but said, “I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by ‘good reasons?'”

Martha said, “The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn’t pay the mortgage.

Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?”

Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, “I can forgive you for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?”

Martha asked, “And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn’t have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge.”

“I recall that,” said Henry. “And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time.”

“Alright,” Martha said. “So do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 73 more votes?”

Joe and John were identical twins. Joe owned an old dilapidated boat and kept pretty much to himself. One day he rented out his boat to a group of out-of-staters who sank it.

Joe spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could and was out of touch all that day and most of the evening. Unbeknownst to him, his brother John’s wife died suddenly. When he got back on shore he went into town to pick up a few things at the grocery.

A kind old woman there mistook him for John and said, “I’m so sorry for your loss, You must feel terrible”.

Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said: “Hell no! Fact is I’m sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled horrible. She was always
holding water. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole too.

“Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy. I guess what finally finished her off was
when I rented her to those four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn’t very good and smelled, but they wanted her anyway. The damn fools tried to get in her all at one time and she split right up the middle!”

The old woman fainted

A rancher needs a bull to service his cows but needs to borrow the money from the bank.

The banker who lent the money comes by a week later to see how his investment is doing.

The farmer complains that the bull just eats grass and won’t even look at the cows.

The banker suggests that a veterinarian have a look at the bull. The next week the banker returns to see if the vet helped.

The farmer looks very pleased “The bull has serviced all my cows, broke through the fence, and has serviced all my neighbor’s cows.”

“Wow,” says the banker, “what did the vet do to that bull?” “Just gave him some pills,” replied the farmer.

“What kind of pills?”

“I don’t know,” says the farmer, “but they sort of taste like peppermint.”

The owner of a restaurant sends his employee undercover to the vastly more successful restaurant across the road.

Before sending him, the owner says “That restaurant is ruining business here, all because of their famous chowder. I need their recipe ASAP!”

The employee manages to infiltrate the kitchen of the successful restaurant the next day and returns to his boss gleefully: “Boss, I think I have the recipe!”

The boss and the employee follow the recipe, however the result is rather runny.

“This can’t be right. It’s too watery for chowder.” says the boss. “Go back and try again!”

The employee infiltrates the kitchen a second time, and returns with a baffled look on his face.

“Boss, we had everything correct, except one. The secret ingredient!”

“Well? What is it?” responds the boss.

“It’s pages from a book.”

“What?” replies the boss. ” A book?”

“That’s right, the chef tears small bits off of the pages and mixes it into the chowder.”

A light bulb goes off in the bosses head, “I see! The plot thickens.”