A man turned to his friend at the bar and said, “It seems I’ve been informally named adviser on ‘Sexual Matters’ at my company.”
“That sounds interesting. Does this mean you’ll be counseling the big bosses on relations with their secretaries?”
“I’m not sure yet,” he answered. “During the last staff meeting, I popped up to suggest a reduction in executive expense accounts. After that I was told that if they ever wanted my ‘fucking advice’, they’d let me know.”
A blonde gal went to the dentist to get her tooth pulled, and she was really nervous about it.
The dentist noticed this and while he was putting his gloves on, he started to talk to the woman so she wouldn’t feel so nervous.
He asked, “Do you know how they make these gloves?”
The woman shook her head.
The doctor explained, “In a big rubber factory they have a whole lot of men and women with different hand sizes and they have to put their hands into a big huge tank of melted rubber and wait until it dries and then take it off and do it again.”
The woman didn’t even blink she seemed to be too busy trying not to panic.
So he tried telling her a joke or two but once again she didn’t even smirk. So he gave up about five to ten minute later.
In the middle of getting the tooth removed she burst out laughing and he had to stop in case she’d choke. He asked, “What’s wrong?”
She just laughed and said, “If that’s how they make gloves I wonder how they make condoms.”
A cowboy and his wife had just been married and went to a hotel for their honeymoon.
The man went to the front desk and asked for a room.
He said, “This here is a very special ‘casion — our weddin’ night, and we need a very special room with a strong bed.”
The clerk winked and asked, “Do you want the Bridal?”
The cowboy thought about it a while and then replied, “No, I guess not. I’ll just hold onto her ears until she gets used to it.”
An old retired sailor went down to the dock for old times sake. While is was there, he hired a prostitute and took her up to a room. He went at it as best as he could for a guy his age. After a couple of minutes he asked, “How am I doing?”
The prostitute replied, “Well sailor, you’re doing about three knots.”
“Three knots?” He asked. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
She said, “You’re knot hard, you’re knot in, and you’re knot getting your money back.”
There’s a student in medical school who wants to specialize in sexual disorders, so he makes arrangements to visit the sexual disorder clinic.
The chief doctor is showing him around, discussing cases and the facility, when the student sees a patient masturbating right there in the hallway.
“What condition does he have?” the student asks.
“He suffers from Seminal Buildup Disorder,” the doctor replies. “If he doesn’t obtain sexual release forty to fifty times a day, he’ll pass into a coma.”
The student takes some notes on that, and they continue down the hall.
As they turn the corner, he sees another patient with his pants around his ankles, receiving oral sex from a beautiful nurse.
“What about him?” the student asks. “What’s his story?”
“Oh, it’s the same condition,” the doctor replies. “He just has a better health insurance plan.”
Margaret decided she wanted to become a nurse.
Her first day at the hospital she was given several patients to bathe and change their beds.
Her instructor arrived in the room just in time to hear the male patient give a howl of pain.
The teacher took Margaret to one side and said. “When we make the beds, we gently turn the patient to one side and push the sheets up against his back. We then roll him over on the other side and pull the sheets firm. We do NOT pick him up by his penis and shove the sheets under him.”
A young fellow took his date to lovers’ lane where they started making out. After things started getting pretty good, he thought he might get lucky, so he asked her, “Do you want to go in the back seat?”
“NO!” she answered.
“Okay,” he thought, “maybe she’s not ready yet.”
Now he has her shirt and skirt off, the windows are steamed, and things are getting really hot, so he asks again, “Do you want to go in the back seat?”
“NO!” she answers again.
Now he has her bra off, they’re both very sweaty, and she even has his pants unzipped. Again he thinks, she has to want to now. “Do you want to go in the back seat?” he asks again.
“NO!” she answers yet again.
Frustrated, he demands “Well, why not!”
“Because I want to stay up here with you!”
Barry got a new dog. Like most responsible dog owners, he took her to the vet and got her fixed. Somehow the dog still got pregnant, and she gave birth to two perfect pups! Several veterinarians confirmed this amazing miracle birth, and even the media loved it. Soon the dog and her twin pups were a celebrities, and made the rounds on all the major talk shows. Barry even wrote a book about the experience entitled, “Two Dachshunds in One: A Spayed Oddity.”
A traveling salesman picked up a young woman in a bar and convinced her to come back to his hotel.
When they were relaxing afterwards, he asked, “Am I the first man you ever made love to?”
She looked at him thoughtfully for a second before replying. “You might be,” she answered. “Your face looks very familiar!”
Little 7 year old Jeremy tugged at his mother’s dress one day and innocently asked, “Mommy, where do babies come from?”
The mother, being a rather progressive woman, decided it was time her little boy started learning the facts of life. She sat him down in a chair and calmly told him, “Well, a man and a woman lie very close to one another. The man puts his penis inside the woman’s vagina and she will become pregnant. The baby grows inside the woman and nine months later the baby is born out of the woman’s vagina.”
Jeremy pondered this for a moment and then innocently asked, “Does the man ever gets his penis back?”
OK, so someone pointed out to me that’s it’s St. Patrick’s day, so I have to tell a related joke:
Q: What’s Irish and stays out all night?
A: Paddy O’Furniture
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Q: Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick’s Day?
A: Regular rocks are too heavy.
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Q: What’s the main difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?
A: One less drunk at the party
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Q: How do you blind an Irish man?
A: You put a bottle of scotch in front of him!
Happy St. Paddy’s Day!
