The manager noticed his blonde secretary at her desk in tears.

Deeply concerned, he asked, “What’s wrong?”

The blonde replied, “My mother passed away this morning.”

“I’m so sorry to hear that,” replied the manager. “Why don’t you go home and take the day off?”

“No thank you,” replied the blonde. “It’s best that I keep myself busy.” And with that the blonde dried her eyes and got back to typing.

Later that day, her manager finds her crying again, so he said, “I know you’re upset about your mother passing away, and I know you said you’d rather keep busy, but the company does provide paid bereavement when you lose a parent.”

Drying her tears again she said, “It’s not that. My sister just called, and her mom passed away this morning too!”

An American went into a Swiss bank carrying a large duffel bag.

He walked up to a teller and in a hushed voice said, “I have a million dollars in cash that I need to deposit into a Swiss bank account as quickly as possible.”

The teller replied, “There’s no need to whisper, Sir. Poverty is nothing to be ashamed of in Switzerland.”

A man walked into a pharmacy and asked for some Viagra.

The pharmacist said, “Sure, do you have a prescription?”

“No,” answered the man, “but here’s a picture of my wife.”

An old woman died and went to heaven. She was chatting it up with Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden, she heard the most awful bloodcurdling scream.

“Don’t worry about that,” says St. Peter. “It’s only someone having the holes put into their shoulder blades for wings.”

The old woman felt a little uncomfortable about this, but carried on with the conversation.

A moment later, there were more blood curdling screams.

“Oh my God!” exclaimed the old woman. “Now what is happening?”

“Not to worry,” said Saint Peter. “They’re just having their head drilled to fit the halo.”

“I can’t do this,” said the old woman, “I think I’d rather just go to hell.”

“Oh, you don’t want to go there,” said Saint Peter. “If you go down there, you’ll be raped and sodomized.”

“Maybe so,” said the old woman, “but I’ve already got the holes for that.”

A blonde on her way home from work was caught in a hail storm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop.

The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her to just go home and blow into the tailpipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.

So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her car’s tailpipe. Naturally, nothing happened. She blew a little harder, and still nothing happened.

Her roommate, also a blonde, came home and said, “What are you doing?”

The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tailpipe in order to get the dents to pop out.

Her roommate rolled her eyes and said, “HELLLLOOOO!!!You need to roll up the windows first.”

The 8-year-old choir boy was exploring the church, when he caught the priest masturbating.

“What are you doing, Father?” he asked innocently.

“It’s called masturbating,” the priest replied. “You’ll be doing this soon.”

“Why, Father?” he asked.

The priest answered, “Because my wrist is killing me.”

Two men were drowning their sorrows at the bar. After the first one tells his tale of shame and regret, the other said, “You think that’s bad? Even though I know it’s unethical, I keep having sex with one of my patients. If any of my colleagues, staff, or clients find out, I’m sure it will ruin me!”

“I wouldn’t be so hard on yourself,” said the first guy. “It’s not like you’re the first doctor to fall in love with a patient.”

“Oh sure,” said the second man, “but I bet they weren’t veterinarians.”

Dirty Grandpa Harry was feeling a bit frisky one night. Not wanting to waste a rare erection he nudged Grandma laying in bed next to him.

“Hey Ethel,” he said as he lifted the sheets. “How’d you like to put your teeth around this beauty!”

Bleary eyed she reached over to the nightstand and grabbed her dentures. As she handed them to Harry, she said, “You go right ahead, but try not to disturb me.”