How does Alice like being pregnant?” Bob asked his friend John.

“Oh, she’s not pregnant,” John replied, “she’s expecting.”

“What’s the difference?” Bob pressed.

“Well, John explained, “She’s expecting me to cook dinner, she’s expecting me to do the housework, she’s expecting me to rub her feet…”

Three men were at a bar discussing coincidences.

The first man said, “My wife was reading A Tale of two Cities, and she gave birth to twins!”

“That’s funny”, the second man remarked, “my wife was reading The Three Musketeers, and she gave birth to triplets!”

The third man shouted, “Good God, I have to rush home!”

When asked what the problem was, he exclaimed, “When I left the house, my wife was reading Ali Baba and the forty Thieves!”

An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the God-given responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce children beyond comparison. With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman.

After a diligent, but fruitless, search up and down the east coast, he started to head west.

Shortly thereafter he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away.

So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them.

The farmer simply replied, “They’re all looking to get married, so you came to the right place. Look them over and select the one you want.”

The man dated the first daughter.

The next day the farmer asked for the man’s opinion. “Well,” said the man, ” She’s just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice, but pigeon-toed.”

The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls.

So the man went out with the second daughter.

The next day, the farmer again asked how things went. “Well,” the man replied, “She’s just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell, cross-eyed.”

The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.

The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, “She’s perfect, just perfect! She’s the one I want to marry!”

So they were wed right away.

Months later a baby was born.

When the man visited nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine.

He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the parents.

“Well,” explained the farmer, “She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell, pregnant when you met her.”

Bob Hill and his new wife, Betty, are vacationing in Europe, near Transylvania. They re driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It is late, raining very hard and Bob can barely see the road in front of the car. Suddenly, the car skids out of control. Bob attempts to control it, but to no avail. The car swerves and smashes into a ditch..

Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees Betty unconscious, with her head bleeding. Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to get her medical assistance. He carefully picks her up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light and heads towards it, which is coming from a large, old house. He approaches the door and knocks. A small, hunched man opens the door.

Bob blurts, “Hello, my name is Bob Hill and this is my wife Betty. We’ve been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been Seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?”

“I’m sorry,” replies the hunchback, “but we don’t have a phone. My master is a doctor. Come in, and I will get him.”

Bob brings his wife in.

An older man comes down the stairs. “I’m afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had some basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory.”

With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.

After a brief examination, Igor’s master looks worried. “Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion.” Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.

The Hills’ deaths upsets Igor’s master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. It is here that he has always found solace and he begins to play. A stirring, almost haunting melody fills the house.

Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty’s hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano music. Stunned, he watches as Bob’s arm begins to rise, marking the beat. He is further amazed as Betty and Bob both sit up straight!

Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory. He bursts in and shouts to his master:

“Master, Master! The Hills are alive with the sound of music!”

After yet another tragic breakup, a blonde was telling her friend that she’d gone off men for life.

“They lie, they cheat, and they’re just no good,” she moaned. “From now on when I want sex, I’m going to use my tried and tested plastic companion.”

“What happens when the batteries run out?” asked her friend.

“That’s simple,” replied the blonde. “I’ll just fake my orgasm like I usually do.”

A man walked into an antique store, and began to look around. Suddenly, he spied a large brass rat in the corner. He fell in love with it, and so he brought it up to the cashier.

“The rat, eh?” said the wizened old proprietor.

“That’s right. How much?” replied the customer.

“Well, five dollars for the rat…” the old man paused, “but 200 dollars for the story,” he answered with a grin.

“I’ll just take the rat… without the story,” laughed the patron.

After paying the old man $5.00, he left the store with his precious brass rat tucked under his arm.

Soon he began to hear a scurrying and squeaking noise behind him. When he looked back, he noticed that a few rats were following him. After he had walked a few more blocks, the number of rats behind him increased. This continued, until there were virtually millions of rats behind him.

The man panicked, ran to a pier overlooking the sea, and threw the brass rat in. All of the rats plunged in after it, and met their watery deaths.

Freaked out and nearly breathless, the man ran back to the antique store.

The old store owner was chuckling to himself. “So now do you want the story?”

“No,” said the man, “but have you got any brass lawyers?”

A woman went to a very prominent plastic surgeon with a very unique request.

“What seems to be the problem?” the doctor asked confidently.

“It’s kind of embarrassing, doc”, said the woman. “One of my butt cheeks is sagging lower than the other, and I was hoping you could even them out a bit.”

The surgeons face was overtaken by a look of horror. “I’m sorry. There is no way I can help you. Now if you’ll please leave.” He opened the door and motioned for her to get out.

“What? But why?” pleaded the woman.

In a low but angry tone the surgeon growled, “I am considered one of the foremost plastic surgeons in the world! Do you have any idea what would happen to my reputation if people found out I was doing a half-ass job?”

A schnauzer, a poodle, and a great Dane were sitting in the waiting room of a vet’s office. The poodle turned to the schnauzer and asked “why are you here?”

The schnauzer replied, “I’m 17 years old. I don’t see or hear very well. I’ve been having accidents in the house. My owner says I’m too old and sick, so he brought me here to put me down.”

The other two dogs lowered their heads on that somber note.

The poodle had to confide, “I’ve not been myself lately. I’ve been especially high strung. I’ve been barking all the time, I’ve been snapping at people and I even bit one of the neighbor’s kids. Nobody knows why this has been happening. My owner says he can’t risk me biting somebody else, so he brought
me here to be put down as well.”

The schnauzer and the great Dane shook their heads in sorrowful solidarity.

It was then that the poodle and schnauzer looked at the great Dane and asked why he was there.

“Well you see my master was in the shower yesterday,” replied the great Dane. “When she got out of the shower, she went into the bedroom and bent down to pick up something on the floor. I guess nature took over and the next thing I know I’m on top of her doing my doggy thing. I just couldn’t help myself.”

The other two dogs were stunned at the great Dane’s tale. The poodle asked, “They’re putting you down for that?”

“Oh, no,” said the great Dane. “I’m here to get my nails trimmed.”